These lawn bags will be getting a lot of use during planting season this summer...
So with all the News now covered, we turn to Jokes, with my best source
leading off with one that might be considered equal time for the
Trump fans...
Whistle in the Shower
Q: Why do blondes whistle in the shower?
A: So they know which lips to wash.
Trump continues to turn over his Cabinet, and has not "Drained The Swamp" as he promised...
In other International News, just like England, Mexico is leaving the EU as well...
Lots of cat humor today...
That's all for this Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next Tuesday with a Fight Update.
Have a great week until then.
And speaking of cats...
and how Kawhi sent Philly home, ala "Rocky"...
Different customs in Spain...
An international joke...
May 21, 2019
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
A few Quickies...
And finally, this ad was meant to show the growth of the tiger in 10 years, however to The Chairman's eye, it shows that he made a meal of the tasty young girl instead...
He recently had Tiger Woods visit The White House, where he awarded him a medal...
Jokes From Shaf
Trump continues to be fixated on immigration across the Southern Border, taking money from other defense appropriations for his wall and denigrating Mexicans...
And just like windmills causing cancer, Trump has now discovered a new link to cancer that
further justifies his wall...
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
The Bucks are locked in a tussle with the Toronto Raptors, but you might want a second look at the shot that put Toronto in the Eastern Conference Finals...
Assumptions in the check out line...
who over half of America does not support...
New cookie that might want to reconsider their name...
And in Business News, McDonalds lost their trademark and Burger King is coming at them hard...
More about women...
Blondes and 747s
Q: What do blondes and 747s have in common?
A: They both have cockpits!
Christmas Trees and Priests
Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls.
Some QUICKIES about women that are actually quite funny...but crude...
It seems that our government is a bad script from "The Twilight Zone"...
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Seems like he only hired one person qualified for their job...
Next Update on
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Fight Update
Our National Leader is a...
Makes one suspicious if he can run the government when he has gone through bankruptcy and lost so much money in his business life...
And speaking of my "Brother From Another Mother", here is one from out pal,
...
And lastly, in Celebrity News, what the hell has Pete Davidson got? First, Ariana Grande, then the hotty, Kate Beckinsale, and now...Hillary Clinton!!!...
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New York papers claim to have seen Trump's taxes, and they say that he has lost over a billion dollars in the past years...
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time."
Went to an exciting Buck's Playoff game last week as they went up on Toronto, 2-0,
then watched them fall in double OT on Sunday. Not going to win many games if Giannis only has a dozen points. Credit Toronto with a good defensive scheme. Bucks need more out of Bledsoe, especially when Middleton has to spend so much effort defending Kawhi. Lets hope for a win on Tuesday and close it out on Thursday.
Good news about The Dim Bulb who's prostate issues will just merit watching for now.
About time he caught a break with all the health issues he has had to face. Hopefully,
now just retired, it will be clear sailing.
And Chivalrous Ken's courageous wife has come to the end of chemo and is now just concentrating on regaining her strength and energy. And knowing her, it is only a matter of time before she is up and about and spending her time caring for others. Let's hope there will never be any more chemo!!
And what else is going on this past week? Let's check out the...
Lest you think that anti-semitism is only in Europe, here is a photo of a protester at a Holocaust Remembrance rally in Arkansas last week. And you don't think that the rhetoric
of our President and his failure to condemn racism has a part in emboldening these people?...
One night, Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she said, "what's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you." he said simply.
"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her.
"I'm awfully tired, honey." said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
A trip to the Vet...
Bottled Water
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
One day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
The Sniper liked the Toto toilets from Japan, but if he had seen this one from BOSE,
he might have changed his mind on which to buy...
A teacher asked her class how many of them were Bernie Sanders fans.
Not really knowing what a Bernie Sanders fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Bernie Sanders fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Bernie Sanders fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Conservative.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mom was a Moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
Little Johnny replied, 'A Bernie Sanders fan.'
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