No wonder is always in the garden...
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?”
The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.
The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”
He says, “One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.”
The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.”
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”
The first guy says, “Small world!”
but report it to manipulate the public for their ends...
and it works...
Better be careful who you tell this one to...
More financial planning, from ...
Don't be surprised when regulation of contraception devices is next...
However Trump's race baiting led to another shooting in Buffalo...
And fomenting the discord are wealthy conservatives using Fox News as their tool. They admit that they do not report the news...
Some careers are not destined for financial riches...
I can't help it, I laughed...
For all of you with any money left or that do not know what to do with all of your government funds....be READY for the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2022:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, "Vladimir Putin...
INFLATION IS SO BAD THAT……………
I just received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture now is worth only 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I called to get Blue Book Value on my car. They asked if gas tank was full or empty
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Ain't this the truth...
A funny look at the inflationary economy, from ...
And it has not changed.
Still there are some good people out there, as The Chairman shows you to lift your spirits...
I have one of these coming up...
And finally, what is your level of stress?...
In Sports News, the NFL really has become a year round activity. From the end of the season, there are the combines to report on, the NFL Draft and last week they made a big deal out of the release of the schedule of games for the upcoming year...
Some QUICKIES that are actually pretty funny...
I do not think I was aware as to how astute George Carlin was in his view of American society and class warfare so many years ago...
In the recent elections, it was a test of the power of Donald Trump's endorsement, and the results were mixed...
So with all the NEWS covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to an investment expert here to share his insight on the turbulent market, ...
Look around, you know this is true...
As if the US did not have enough issues...Ukraine, inflation, racial division, there is no consensus to work together to solve these problems...
Must have had Platinum Tarks giving him legal advice...
Elon Musk leads off the NEWS with the not so startling news that he will no longer vote Democratic, saying...
"In the past I voted Democrat, because they were (mostly) the kindness party. But they have become the party of division and hate, so I can no longer support them and will vote Republican. Now, watch their dirty tricks campaign against me unfold," tweeted the billionaire.
Well, to nobody's surprise, his Twitter deal also is on hold...
Think that is nuts? What about these crazy ideas the GOP is pushing...
And the fight over Roe Vs. Wade remains an issue that polarizes America...
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"
Congrats to Billy Bong in Denver on the birth of another grandchild, as his son, Sam, has his third, a little boy, Calvin. Everyone is doing well and Billy Bong is so lucky to be in the same city as ALL his kid and grandchildren...and even his sister, Jody. Now all he has is stay healthy to enjoy all the sweet times ahead.
And in the sick bay, sad to say that Murphy is undergoing surgery again on Monday AM. One year ago she had a bad cancer and had 2 operations, but came through it well. (Not including the 2 weeks of putting plastic on all the carpets and sleeping on the couch with her as her drain would have ruined our bedding and carpeting). It will be more rolling up of the rugs, keeping her in one room and staying with her on the couch until the "cone of shame" and the drain come off. Debated putting her through it again, but the ultrasound we did came out clean and the vet said it might buy her another year. So here we go...for the last time. She is such a sweet dog and seems to still be fun and playful, so we do not want to lose her yet.
Also in sick bay last week was mbaRRY, who had covid. Doing ok and thankfully it was a light case. Had plans to go to LA this week, we will see if he can, as his 10 day quarantine will be over.
And lastly, many kudos to Beautiful Bonnie on her last program, a dinner for almost 200 people last week. Covid provided many challenges, as her program participants dropped off, leaving her to do more than she wanted to and to even sing! But she handled it with amazing grace and things went off flawlessly. Now it is downhill for the next month as she wraps up her office and retires at the end of June. And then we will both be footloose and fancy free, to go where we want, when we want. I am so looking forward to those times ahead.
And what else is going on this week? Let's check it out, as we peruse the...
Makes you wonder if we are a nation of law...
So that is all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next week with a MARIJUANA UPDATE
Have a great week until then.
And maybe his fear of the "dirty tricks campaign" stems from the recent revelation that...
Take the recent baby formula shortage. While everyone sees the need to address the problem, some stand intransigent to gain political chips to play in the next election...
A mohel walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"This has to be the worst day of my life. My job is over," he says to the bartender.
"What happened?" the bartender asks.
"I got the sack." he replies.
And the Republicans had their slant on the shooting...
Weather is getting nice, so time for a golf joke from ...
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen," What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
I am sure you remember texting when you were in gradeschool...
Dave was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune after his sickly father died.
Dave wanted two things:
• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
• to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men…
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied,
Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,
"The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident", I just lost it.
Hair loss competition
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender.
"What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks.
"Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'"
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.
The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"
They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"
The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.
"Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
Jokes From Shaf
And lastly, the Brewers remain in first place, largely due to their formidable pitching staff. The Chairman has looked at the minor league roster however, and has found a pitcher on their team who is baffling all the minor league hitters with her deceptive wind up...
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May 24, 2022
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Well, he takes after his pal...