but it does not seem to be the case unless you agree to support him and his policies...
President Trump also constantly states he will never forget our Veterans...
And speaking of fucking yourself...
Be careful what you want...
and the always outspoken, Charles Barkley...
Elderly golfer
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER.................$2.50
HAMBURGER...............$3.50
CHEESEBURGER.........$4.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH..$4.75
HAND JOB................$150.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the Elderly Golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. May I help you sir?”
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am. I give the best hand jobs around.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
“Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
Maybe a new paradigm in leadership is what this country really needs...
Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johnny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, “Can I have some of your cookies?” Little Johnny replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” His grandpa replied, “It most certainly can!” Little Johnny replied, “Then go fuck yourself.
More punny QUICKIES to tickle your funny bone...
The Queen's breasts
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan
the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.
The other unbelievable event last week was Trump's attempt to lure the Hispanic vote by fawning over the owner of Goya Foods. Not content with just meeting with him, he posed with Goya products at his desk in the White House...
In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”
“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.
“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”
“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.
The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”
“Chemo, sabe”
This is the last Update until August 18 as The Chairman is packing away all the stuff in our home of 30 years to move to a new place in Mequon. Lots of work and hard to package all the memories of building a house, raising your kids there, and now leaving that all behind. But it is time. So for the next 2 weeks the packing goes into high gear before the move on August 4. Then on August 9, Rabbi Scott and the two boys will be here for a visit for a week. Couple that with getting a new computer when we move...you can see why Jokes will have to take a back seat for a short while. Will try and keep up on the Coronavirus Updates, they are quick and I get a lot of good material from the readers.
So while I am gone, keep sending all that good material, makes my job easier. Can always count on Big Al, The Sniper, The Sultan of Silicone and The Duffer for a joke every day or two.
All you other slackers, get with it and find me more material, be it jokes, pictures or videos.
Hopefully when I return, I will have a big backlog of material to draw from.
And what else is happening these days in the world? Let's check it out on a CANDIDATE TRUMP Update week...
Funny joke about the Lone Ranger and Tonto...
And lastly, with people in nursing homes still quarantined from their loved ones, some places have become inventive to try and allow some interaction...
Seems like that plan is about as well thought out as the plan to go to Tele-medicine for medical care...
Not content to do that, he had his daughter pose with Goya products as well...
I guess if you looked at all those who knew CANDIDATE TRUMP in the past, you would never be surprised at where we are now...
July 21, 2020
In Business News, Americans are certainly dumb...
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire
area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
The next day, the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
And finally, a golf joke from ...
And if you are not getting any sex...
But racism plays both ways, and recently, Desean Jackson, Stephen Jackson, Ice Cube and Nick Cannon said some very anti-semitic things. There was no denunciation from the black athletic and entertainment community with two exceptions, Kareem Abdul Jabbar...
saying they have a plan to do it safely...
The Coronavirus continues to rage through the South...
In the wake of George Floyd, the country is still trying to deal with the scourge of racism...
A Little Johnny joke from ...
The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.
"How is she?", I asked.
"Very critical", replied the officer.
"The fuck is she complaining about now?"
Look how we have fallen!!
School opening is another hot topic. Parents, teachers and the CDC are all concerned with the rising virus totals, however The President and his lap dog, Betsy Devos, say we MUST open all the schools for face to face learning in the fall...
and with the public trusting Dr. Fauci more than Trump, and his message being different from The President, he is the perfect one to pillory...
Everything on Ebay is not a bargain...
In other news, with all the time at home, streaming services are making a mint. And with students going back to college in the fall, there is a new streaming service who will have costs that make Netflix and Amazon pale in comparison...
Jokes From Shaf
Even in Wisconsin, the Republicans gathered for their convention, and there were no masks seen. Maybe, in light of this speech of Rep. Glenn Grothman, it might have been a good idea...
President Trump ended last week by sneaking through a pardon of Rodger Stone, indicted for
criminal activities in support of Trump's election. His toady, Attorney General Barr, seems to have changed his tune from when he was confirmed...
Does this describe your beloved?...
despite the fact that endorsing products is illegal for a President...
Instead of trying to enact rules to protect Americans, Trump just wants to look for someone else to blame...
One from a sex expert, ...
A Darkside joke from a guy who has never seen it on the Vegas Trip, our pal from Minnesota, ...
And STILL, despite all evidence saying that masks will help slow the virus, Trump and his fellow Republican governors in Florida, Texas and Georgia refuse to order wearing them when out of your home. It seems like such a no-brainer!!!...
So with all the News of the Week covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to with a touching father-son story...
But there is hope. Racism is not born to us. It is learned, and if we can try and keep the hateful rhetoric from our kids, there is a chance for better days ahead...
There are five different kinds of sex:
The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you’ve got to do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Screw you!”
And the last, fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in court.
Well, that's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
You will have to wait until August 18 to get the next Update, one called They Still Got It Part 1 Update.
Stay safe and hope your family is well until we talk again.
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
July 21, 2020
Update 1007
MOVING--1 MONTH OFF
Next Update- August 18, 2020
They Still Got It Update 1
I guess his evaluation of others does not apply to himself...
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”
Content Copyright 2015. Jokes From Shaf. All rights reserved.