Jokes From Shaf
So with all the NEWS covered, we move to TODAY'S JOKES, with the lead off spot going to
giving us his view on this past tough year...
There is already a Russian vaccine out, but testing and safety of this are sketchy...
And speaking of women...
Now that was a great Update of Jokes From Shaf...a new comic to love and a great recap of the election.
Back next week with a Funny Songs Update.
Have a great week and stay safe until then.
November 24, 2020
Quite the week with Murphy this past week. Her surgery went well, but she was left with a drain in the anal area, which as you might guess...drained. So it was pick up all the rugs, wall off any rooms with carpet, and try and keep her quiet. Someone, usually me, spent the night on the couch with her because she could not sleep on our bed as she always does. Such a sad puppy, such sad owners. Plastic sheeting all over and feel like we need a hazmat team to come in. But as the week progressed, she was in less pain, the drain stopped draining and things got better. Thankfully, one of the possible complications of the surgery, fecal incontinence, did not occur. That would have been a deal breaker. The drain comes out monday and we will find out what the tumor removed was, although it was most certainly malignant. Nice to see her starting to return to normal, and in a week, I think she will.
What a bad weekend for my Badgers and Packers as they both fumbled their way to losses. 5 turnovers for the Badgers and 4 for the Packers will usually spell doom for any team...and they did. Lets hope for better in the weeks ahead, although for the Badgers it will kill any big time post season games. And if they get another game cancelled, there will be no post season for them.
The Bucks reshaped their roster, although it won't mean much if Giannis does not sign to stay in Milwaukee. Let's hope he sees the good things that small town living can bring him. Stay tuned.
And finally, MBArry came home for Thanksgiving. Armed with a negative Covid test, he left NYC at 7am and arrived in Mequon by 8pm!! What did he need a plane for, he really flew with 4 wheels. It is great to have him home and not have to spend the holiday alone.
And what else is going on? Let's see...
And what of the rest of the Republicans? Are they putting country before party? No, they are rotting just like Trump and Rudy...
Are you fit for a government job?...
What do you call an 80 year old who can masturbate?
Miracle whip....
A groaner...
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
Well, that's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next Tuesday with a Hans Zimmer Themes Update.
Have a great week until then.
While Trump may have done things that would merit jail time, my guess is that Biden would rather look the other way to avoid further dividing the nation...
And what of Trump's base? Have they seen the light? Hardly, they are just as rabid for Trump, claiming the election was stolen, Covid is a myth, masks are an infringement on their liberty and
more pure crap....
And not just the "Anti-vaxers" are not excited for the population to get immunized...
A few quickies from ...
More quickies from ...
Trump continues to allege election fraud...
Trump's staff ducks the questions of Covid and only talks about the second Trump term that is upcoming...
it is clear that TRUMP HAS LOST...
Kind of punny, isn't it?...
Some real groaner QUICKIES ...
In SPORTS NEWS, after fumbling away the game against unbeaten Northwestern, the Badgers go after arch rival...
finish his endless audits with the IRS...
You will probably figure this one out before the punch line...
He needs to leave and get a new job...
Not sure that Fox keeps to its motto of "Fair and Balanced"...
Do you think it is true? This one sent from ...
Some of the readers are getting close to this...
If all the legal challenges fail, there remains one last way to remain in office...the "Scorched
Earth Alternative"...
and the Packers hope they can get their defense to stop the run as they continue the oldest rivalry in the NFL against their biggest foe...
2020 HAS COME DOWN TO THIS…
1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner
2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
4. The world has turned upside down . Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat We laughed a lot .
6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well.
7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!
9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room .
12. Appropriate analogy. "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying:
“The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now .”
13. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & asking for money.
14. The spread of COVID-19 is based on 2 things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
The importance of keeping patient information confidential in a medical office...
And speaking of Pat...
In court case after court case, there is no evidence found of this allegation. To bolster his claim,
he sent his personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, out to give a press conference to support him. Many allegations, and as usual, no proof. It was a sad, but fitting metaphor to end the Trump Presidency...a political figure lauded for his work during 9-11, reduced to lying with hair dye streaming down his face, a comic tidbit for late night talk show hosts and the internet...
How the mighty have fallen...
And Biden has other items on his agenda, including climate change, racism and education...
A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee".
"Have you ever been in the military?"
"Yes, I serves two years in Iraq"
The interviewer says "that will give you extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Do you have any disabilities?"
The guy says, "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "OK, you're a disabled veteran, you have enough points for me for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start here tomorrow at 10am, and make that your start time every day".
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are 8-4, why don't you want me here til 10am?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."
There is more pressing news to deal with like Covid and rolling out the vaccine, which Trump does get credit for fast tracking. Biden will need to convince Americans that the vaccine is safe and effective, something more difficult now that spurious claims of vaccines causing autism are in the press...
He and his followers just don't want to accept the proven fact that he lost...He's a loser...and he will need to get out of the White House in less than 60 days...
A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.
Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.
The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you being different again?”
He says, “well, because I’m not a Trump fan.”
“Why aren’t you a Trump fan?”
“Because I’m a democrat.”
The teacher snuffs and says, “oh really? Why are you a democrat?”
He responds, “well, my mom is a democrat, my dad is a democrat, so I’m a democrat.”
She then says, “Oh really? Then what if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
Little Timmy smiles and says, “a Trump fan.”
And finally, a different look at politics...
Have we seen him do the honorable thing, admit defeat, transfer power and concede? Think not...
All the votes from the November election are counted, and despite Trump showing strength in areas he was not predicted to do well in...
A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body.
They go to his wife and ask “Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket? To which she replies,
"No, just Barium”
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.
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A red curry and a green curry had a fight….
There was no winner…it was a Thai.
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What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."
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jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
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November 24, 2020
Update 1022
Next Update-
December 1, 2020
Hans Zimmer Themes Update
And speaking of SCIENCE facts, here is a bit of news that you might have missed, but I am sure we will hear about from DicDoc over cocktails in Vegas next year...
Once in office, prepare for the nightly assault on the Biden Presidency from Rush Limbaugh and Fox News...
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
They say curiosity killed the cat, and they weren't kitten.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Coming home from his Little League game, Little Johnny swung open the front door very excited.
Because his father was unable to attend the game, he immediately wanted to know what happened."So, how did you do son" he asked?
"You'll never believe it" Little Johnny said! "I was responsible for the winning run"!!
"Really? How'd you do that"?
"I dropped the ball".
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story department store with a sign that reads: “Find your man here.” They decide to go in.
At the door, a very attractive security guard explains to them how it works. “We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. You can go up, but not down. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are plain but kind.” The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are handsome but poor.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are smart but unattractive.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they keep going.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are handsome, rich and kind.” The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
work on his Presidential Library...
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