Choosing a Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much...
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
In Business News, the US is attempting to try and force China to sell the Tik-Tok App...
WANT TO FEEL OLD?
Bonanza premiered 64 yrs ago.
The Beatles split 54 yrs ago.
Laugh-In premiered nearly 56 yrs ago.
The Wizard of Oz is 84 yrs old.
Elvis is dead 46 yrs. He'd be 86 today.
The Thriller video is 40 yrs old.
Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin dead 53 yrs.
John Lennon dead 43 yrs.
Mickey Mantle retired 55 yrs ago.
Back To The Future is 39 yrs old.
Saturday Night Fever is 46 yrs old.
The Ed Sullivan Show ended 51 yrs ago.
The Brady Bunch premiered 54 years ago.
The triplets on My Three Sons are 54.
Tabatha from Bewitched is 59.
The Corvette turned 70 this year
The Mustang is 59.
If you were born in the 50's, you've had 14 presidents.
Always have to be sure...
What is known is that he will use the arrest as a campaign tool to rally his base in support of his
"unlawful persecution", and as a tool to keep the spotlight on himself and raise money...
In Sports News, March Madness is upon us, and this teams cheerleaders had a novel way to distract the opposing player at the free throw line...
The News is dominated by all the legal dealings of our past President, Donald Trump...
The Democrats are certainly not a perfect bunch either, with flip-floppers like Joe Manchin...
It seems that no matter what nefarious deeds Trump does, he never seems to pay for it...
How to react to getting older, from ...
Who would have expected 6 inches of snow at the end of March! Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it is Wisconsin. And for all those returning in April from the warm south and west, you never know what April will bring.
March Madness games are always the best. Upsets, Cinderella Teams and games down to the wire.
It is certainly the best that college athletics has to offer. And this year, no high seeds remain and 3 first timers in the Final Four. Amazing, and great games to watch on TV.
In the Sick Bay is G-Man who returned from his trip to Portugal with Covid. Luckily, both he and his wife are on the road to recovery. Got to hand it to G-Man, shook off major lung surgery like nothing and then kicked Covid to boot. He really has a hearty immune system. The Cap'n's trip to New Zealand was also plagued with people coming down with Covid as was The Waiter's trip to Spain. Seems like that is the risk when you go on group tours these days. Thankfully, all had mild cases and are doing well. Hope The Sniper, Lucious Lori, Beautiful Bonnie and I can stay Covid free when we visit Scotland and Ireland in August.
And this weekend will be headed for Nashville to see Talia in a cheerleading competition. It is a real bonus as we will stay with DicDoc and Stacey for the weekend. Certainly miss having them next door and all the great time we spent together when the kids were young. Will have to make a stop at The Loveless Cafe to sample the outstanding biscuits they make there.
And what else is going on? Let's check it out...
If he does not run, the likely person to take his place is Ron DeSantis. His record of whitewashing history by removing any "uncomfortable" topics from the cirriculum, does not make him a much better choice...
I just watched a documentary on marijuana.
I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million.. and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
Sixth-grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
I was at a wedding reception…
When I noticed the woman sitting opposite me kept staring until finally she spoke. “Every time you smile, I want to take you back to my place”
In my excitement I asked if she was single.
“No” she replied. “I’m a Dentist”
But while it would be nice to have Trump finally pay for his illegal activity, I doubt it will happen...
giving him a feeling of invulnerability and superiority...
Do you know the difference?...
WWJD...
The charges of weaponizing the Justice Department will ring out, although the memory of the GOP crying,
"Lock her up!!" for 4 years have been conveniently forgotten...
A quickie that may make you laugh...
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes & pretty face. "I can't be certain" I said.
The sheet went back further to reveal her creamy white breasts & perky pink nipples. "Sorry,
I'm still not sure".
They took the sheet completely off. I stared at her pale body & shaved pussy,
"That's definitely not her".
"Are you sure?"
"Yep, my girlfriend's black."
although the Justice Department has other ideas...
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... so she hugged me.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else....
I thought growing old would take longer.
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what's going on.
The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed.... now I need bail money.
Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone."
A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.
Life is too short to waste time matching socks.
Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.
I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me
If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds
March 28, 2023
If he is indicted, will he submit?...
This DID make me feel old, from ...
Can always count on for a good one...
And one company that seems to know how to survive in these tough times is Costco. The CEO has a most refreshing idea of what running a company and having employees means...
Such talent...
The poorly performing Silicon Valley Bank will be absorbed by stronger banks. They have even found a use for some of the branch banks that are no longer needed...
Oldie but goodie from our Denver pal ...
So that wraps up another Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next week, a MAD WIFE UPDATE.
Have a great week until then.
which did not occur. He still claims he did nothing wrong in relation to Stormy Daniels...
One would think that Republican loyalists would see through this grift, but they haven't yet...
On the local level, the GOP agenda of book banning and no talking about sexual things has come back to bite them in the ass...
Wonder if I will see that distillery when I head to Scotland with The Sniper in August.
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to my traveling buddy,
with his view on how to pick the perfect wife...
And one last one on the same topic of "Know the Difference"...
He certainly panders to the Trump base with the same message of division, conspiracy and fear of others...
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jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
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March 28, 2023
Update 1111
Next Update-
April 4, 2023
MAD WIFE UPDATE
and exDemocrat, now Trump loyalist, Alan Derschowitz...
This past week, he said that he would be indicted on Tuesday...
What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?
Beat it, we’re closed.
Such crude language from such learned people...
Support Planet 13...
QUICKIES that will make you groan...
One for The Sniper...
Jokes From Shaf
And lastly, when you are looking for a kosher liquor to bring to your Jewish friend for dinner, head over to Total Wine and More and pick up this scotch with the clever name...
And with committee appointments like this, there is no way any progress could be made...
And if he does not serve any jail time but does not run again, I would consider it a win for America...
And speaking of Big Al...
In Congress, it is all about obstructionism and not letting Biden get anything done...
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster schucker and a diahrettic prostitute?
The epileptic oyster schucker shucks between fits.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
The pickpocket spends all day snatching watches.
What's the difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish?
The goldfish spends its time mucking around the fountain.
A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.
The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.
The priest watching this stops to observe.
The young man again pickes up the stone, takes aim and misses again.
"Fuck! Motherfucker! Missed it!" he says.
The priest on observing this says "Dear young man, please do not make use of such obscene language"
The young man completely ignores him and, does the same thing again.
"Fuck! Motherfucker! Missed it!" he says
The priest warns him again, "Young man I warn you not to repeat such words"
The young man paying no heed repeats the same thing again and misses again.
"Fuck! Motherfucker! Missed it!" he says
The priest clearly angry now warns him, "Dear young man if you repeat this sentence one more time I will unleash the fury of gods on you. Take my heed!"
As usual the guy ignores him again, takes aim and misses again.
"Fuck! Motherfucker! Missed it!" he says
The priest now quite furious calls upon the gods, "Dear God, its me your humble servant. I request you to strike this man with lightning if he keeps spewing such nonsense"
Well of course the young man doesn't give a single damn and continues. Picks another stone, aims and misses.
"Fuck! Motherfucker! Missed it!" he says
Suddenly as if on cue, dark clouds start looming, there's thunder and a lightning bolt strikes the Priest!
There's a loud voice from the sky "Fuck! Motherfucker! Missed it!"
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