And Trump Junior, Boris Johnson, is equally loved by the Brits...
And the tweeting goes on and on...
Well done U of T!!!
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to
for all you rednecks out there...
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …
“Go look in the garage!”
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
Be careful when your girl asks you to pick the movies from Redbox...
Always beware of the seductive wife...
A businesswoman works in a tall building.
She has to ride the elevator every day, and every day a man gets on the elevator, leans into her, sniffs, and exclaims "Your hair smells so good."
Every day, this happened. She'd get on the elevator, he'd follow, sniff, and say "Your hair smells so good."
Finally she confronted the man, threatening with a lawsuit. Sure enough, the following day, he got on and did it again. "Your hair smells so good!"
The woman, of course, went to the courthouse to file sexual assault. The judge tells her, "You can't file sexual assault against a man for telling you that your hair smells good!"
The woman leans over and tells the judge, "He's a midget."
But Trump's base is undetered...
Important medical advance...
And despite President Trump's assertion, it did not hit Alabama...
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.”
She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
In Business News, L.L. Bean had to redo their catalog before the Christmas holiday...
You’re An EXTREME Redneck When...
1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And in closing…Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!”
And finally, The Darkside hits medicine...
Hurricane Dorian is history...
Well, that's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Will be taking a week off after the Vegas trip to recharge.
Will return on October 1 with a Golf Update.
Have a great 2 weeks until then.
And what did Tennessee do? They sent boxes of Tennessee shirts for the boy and his entire class, and then made a replica of his shirt to sell online with the proceeds going to a stop bullying campaign..
And speaking of women...
September 17, 2019
And now comes the bombshell that the CIA pulled some of its Russian assets from Russia as they were not confident that Trump would not expose them to Putin. This caused consternation in the Republican leadership, but as usual, they did not do anything to stand up to Trump...
Funny QUICKIES for the Vegas Part 2 Update...
There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...
Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.
*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.
The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.
In International News, China gave the US a "fuck you" regarding our boycott of Iran and its oil exports...
In NFL News, Antonio Brown was able to get himself kicked off the Raiders so he could join the team he really wanted to play for, the Patriots...
and we will be watching the Packers hosting Denver at Jackson's Packer Bar in Vegas this week...
But Trump could not admit he had misspoken about the path of the storm, and used a sharpie to alter an
old weather map to assert he was actually correct in his statement...
Needs Platinum Tarks to sue for harassment...
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link
Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
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Now that he is retired, getting a lot more jokes from ...
Always important to have confidence in your surgeon...
as Trump tries to woo minority voters to vote for him in 2020...
And lastly, a touching story of the University of Tennessee, who really stepped up to do the right thing...
No nuclear bombs or other innovative techniques were done to stop it...
Jokes From Shaf
while the Badgers will face a real test at home as they host...
This launched a mass of sharpie memes all over the internet which left the country laughing at him...
Makes sense...
A tongue twister...
And oldie but goodie...
In other National News, there is still no movement on gun control issues...
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Today is the final Vegas Update before the 27th Vegas Trip. What began as a casual idea at a poker game by The Czar of The Cigar or The Cap'n (opinions vary) has become a weekend that those of us who go look forward to all year. While some enjoy the gambling, there are those who never gamble at all. Some enjoy the premium cigars and the adult beverages of the nightly cocktail hour, and some do not smoke at all. Watching football in the rowdy confines of the casino or Jackson's Bar is fun, but some do not follow football at all. What binds those who go is a real feeling of brotherhood, of friendship. The laughs, the jokes and the time to get away from all of
the stress of daily life make the trip such a great time. And I know that this year will be just as great as all the years past. Only hope we all stay well so that where ever we may be, from Milwaukee to Minneapolis to Nashville to Colorado to Florida to California, we can always keep these dates of our trip in the book for more years to come.
And a sad note as we leave for Vegas 27, one of the original Vegas Boys, Jes Levin, passed away in Arizona today. A victim of the subprime mortgage debacle, Jes lost The Bank of Elmwood, which his father started, and retired to a modest retirement in Arizona. His health deteriorated, but he
still was a loving caregiver to wife, Ellen, who was stricken with MS. We have not seen him on the Vegas trip for 15 years, but we remember all the good times of those early years and what a rabid
Badger fan he was. May he rest in peace now.
And speaking of the Badgers, a big test this weekend. I am sure that DicDoc and I will have some heavy drink action bet on the results of this one. Should be great fun to watch it in Vegas, and surprisingly, the Badgers are favored.
And the Packers being 2-0 against some tough competition? Amazing. Let's hope there is no letdown this week against Denver. Will be fun to watch it in Vegas at the Packer bar,
The Jackson Grill.
And with all the partying going on in Vegas this week, will need a week off to get my shit back together, so no Jokes on the next Tuesday. Will pick it up with a new Update on October 1.
So what else is going on this past week? Let's check it out...
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