This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly .... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:
What Makes 100% ?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why Politicians are where they are!
You know, this is true...
And finally, some marital advice...
Trust is important...
His fights to curtain immigration into Florida, limiting workers in the agricultural sector...
Democratic Representative Jamaal Bowman had words with Marjorie Taylor Greene on the Capital steps. Her response was that she felt "threatened" by a large black man and felt that his portrayal of her as a white supremacist was the same as calling him the "N-word"...
Mother's Day was last week, I hope those of you lucky enough to still have a mother alive showed her that you truly care...
Yes, he is quite the candidate to oppose an even worse choice, Trump...
In Sports News, the NFL released the 2023 schedule, and the Tennessee Titans found a clever way to tell their fans who they were playing each week...
A real groaner from ...
So with the News covered, on to Jokes with the lead off spot giving us a scientific look at the basis of politics, from a guy who would know about the last two items ...
And lastly, the Arab League met and despite the peace between Egypt and Israel, Egyptian reporters clamored for Israel's destruction. The star of the upcoming move about Cleopatra will not make this situation any better...
And his elimination of college courses in Florida schools dealing with gender studies, African American studies or any racial equity admission requirements...
The Republicans have been desperate to find some nefarious activity between Joe Biden and his family, but alas, none was found...
So this is the last Update of Jokes From Shaf for a bit, as The Chairman has to deal with some medical issues that will put me on the DL for a while. Hopefully, all will go well and a quick recovery will occur so I can get back to fun in the summer. Unfortunately, my trip to Ireland and Scotland with our Traveling Buddies was cancelled, but still have a Dells trip with all the kids and grandkids in July and Vegas in September to look forward to. And Beautiful Bonnie getting good news on her test this week makes the future look bright. Appreciate all of you who have emailed or called to wish me well, I have confidence in the surgeon (he did Bonnie's procedure last year) and the care at Froedtert is top notch.
So the next Update of Jokes will probably come in later June, hopefully with The Chairman getting a clean bill of health. Until then, keep the jokes coming. I will be checking my email and
appreciate the laughs that Big Al, The Duffer, The Sniper and Mista Tobey provide on a regular basis. Why don't you send in something too? After all, you get to see a custom made avatar of your own.
So all of you stay well, and enjoy this week's Update, starting with a look at the News...
A group of white supremacists called The Patriot Front marched in Washington last week...
My kind of workout...
A widowed man enters a nursing home. Lonely, he meets a lady and invites her to sit with him in the courtyard and hold hands.
Wheelchairs side by side, night after night, their affection blossoms to the point she lays her hand on his crotch. This happens like clockwork, every night.
One night, she wheels herself to the courtyard. To her horror, he is sitting next to another woman's wheelchair. In tears, she wheels up to him at breakfast and says, "I have to know. What does SHE have that I don't?"
He smiles, "Parkinson's"
Advice on what to get your wife to brighten her mood...
Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help.
"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped!" says the Minister.
"No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".
A few quickies...
The Democrats are trying to allow Diane Feinstein to keep her seat in Congress, despite her age and medical issues...
A list of books I've read this year:
● Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face.
● Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day.
● All Aboard! by Abel Seamann.
● One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.
● The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn.
● Improve Your Target Shooting by Mr Completely.
● Monster-making as a Hobby by Frank N. Stine.
● The Worst Journey in the World by Helen Back.
● Discipline in the Home by Wilma Child-Begood.
● How to Diet Successfully by M. T. Cupboard.
● My Years in a Lunatic Asylum by I. M. Nutty.
● Grow Your Own Vegetables by Rosa Carrotts.
● Tape Recording for Beginners by Cass Ette.
Oldie but goodie medical joke...
You can not turn on the News without hearing a story warning you about the danger of Artificial Intelligence (A.I.)...
A business man who owns a company wanted to travel for a business meeting. He was scared that his wife was gonna cheat on him with his employees while he's gone, so he decides to put a machine on his wife's thighs that will cut off anything that comes near it.
He traveled and finally came back, he put all of his employees in a line and asked them to pull down their pants.
He was so disappointed to see that the first man had his penis cut off, so as the second man, and the third man... Until he reached the last man whose penis was still there safe and sound.
He went up to him and told him: "I knew I could trust you! You've always been my favorite employee, and I'm proud of you!"
The employee replied :"Thankth both, no worrieth."
Leave it to Randy Rainbow to get to the bottom of this new GOP candidate...
And the rest of the Republican nut jobs are at it again, starting with Lauren Boebert...
My sister recently returned from a trip to Israel, Dubai & Abu Dhabi.
She told me she learned the difference between the citizens of the two gulf emirates.
People who live in Dubai don’t believe in the Flintstones. People who live in Abu Dhabi do! (Say it out loud.)
A truly amazing story, from ...
His fixation with the LBGTQ community...
The GOP mouthpieces still are extolling the Russian war criminal, Putin...
Ready to bring this show back to TV?...
wants you to say this one out loud...
Another oldie but goodie...
Back to crude QUICKIES for this week's Update...
As we are only 2 weeks from default, the two parties continue to play politics with the deficit...as well as your 401-K...
So that's all for this Update of Jokes From Shaf.
When I return, a Blooper Reel Update.
Hope it is soon and that you stay healthy as well.
And have you ever noticed...
Jokes From Shaf
His investment of Florida pension money into risky venture capital funds, which coincidently contributed huge amounts of money into his campaign...
Republicans in Ohio, New Jersey and Kansas are all in favor of checking genitalia of girls participating in high school sports...
Billy Bong always wants to know what I am reading...
It looks like Ron DeSantis will be declaring for the GOP Presidential nomination this week. We will see how his battles with Disney...
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.
One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.
one more for The Sniper...
I dated a dental hygienist once...
Whitest teeth I ever came across.
In 1996, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1996, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, slipped past the "WARNING-DO NOT ENTER" sign, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
So, this probably…wasn't the same elephant.
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May 23, 2023
SOON, I HOPE
BLOOPER REEL UPDATE