Those who will kiss the ring of the King of The GOP in hopes of advancing their own political future, will be front and center, like the Trump sycophant, Lindsey Graham...
Donald Trump lost the battle to keep his tax records private...
and he will continue to exploit the divisions among Americans. The wall he build was not really between Mexico and the US, it was between different groups of Americans...
Good thing she cropped off the picture or you would have seen her most interesting bayonet...
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants...?
One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.
And lastly, more amazing pictures from Mars...
And now Texans are looking at who is to blame for the fact that the electrical grid failed so badly...
A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.
As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.
"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to send you to hell." he tells the programmer. He snaps his fingers to send them to hell, but nothing happens.
The programmer starts laughing uncontrollably as St Peter tries again and again to send them to hell without success.
"What is going on? Why can't I send you to hell?" demands St Peter.
"It appears you have a Sin-Tax Error, sir!" laughs the programmer.
After being savaged in the press, Cruz returned to Texas and tried to fix his image with images of helping out those in need. Unfortunately, it was a photo shoot in a parking lot...what a turd...
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.
She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"
So I bought her nothing.
Can always count on good advice from ...
This past weekend marked his return to the public as Republicans welcomed him to be the keynote speaker at the Conservative Political Action Conference. All of those who followed his insane Covid policies will be there...
Some of his constituents hired a mariachi band to play in his front yard to make him feel better for his aborted vacation...
President Biden is trying to push his Covid Relief Bill through Congress, although the increase in the minimum wage will not be a part of it. I actually agree that it has no part being in that bill, rather it should be debated on its own merits. I think the wage should go up, maybe not to $15, the Republicans are against it going up at all...
And lastly, that weasel, Mitch McConnell, who blamed Trump for the events on January 6, was willing to put that all aside to once again stand in support of the King...
maybe they need to trust the scientists who have studied the problem...
Wisconsin's lunatic Senator, who feels the Capitol assault was done by Democrats in disguise,
Ron Johnson...
Oldie but goodie...
Fox News has an interesting idea to show how they are the "Free Speech Network"...
March 2, 2021
The idea that Trump would sit back and work on his memoirs for his library...
Who wears the pants in the house?...
This is what the proud party of Lincoln has become...
Funny restaurant menu...
Not about a bus, but about a truck...
and some help when you are at Costco to interpret their pricing...
So with all the News covered here are a bunch of quickies, from a guy known for being a quickie
(just kidding), my brother from another mother, ...
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.
The snowstorm in Texas and power outage, which brought such misery, is going away. And in every
tragedy, there are always those who try to lighten the mood...
I am sure the message will be the same...stolen election, blame the Left, divide America...
The old gang that served him in the White House will be in attendance, hoping his career can be resurrected and that they can get back their old jobs...
A young Italian girl was going on a date.....
Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.
He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too... but don'ta let him do that.
But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that.
Doing that willa disgraca the family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
And while you might think that would knock Ted out of office, while we say "No to Ted", most Texans probably will say "Yes"...
Speaking of sex...
My wife and I only have sex one way
It's so boring just the one way we have sex. It's called doggy style.
I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
His comments that he "could not do anything even if he were in Texas" rang hollow when
his liberal foil, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez raised 5 million dollars for Texas relief. And even these kids did more than Cruz did...
Republicans who have no business in Congress, like Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert will be there, like rabid dogs, slobbering up every Trump word...
Another Republican numbskull is Lauren Boebert, here seen with a photo that mimics another terrorist...
More good advice about women...
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
It will be tough sledding for any meaningful tax legislation to pass Congress with the divide between Republicans and Democrats, although most of the increased taxes will be on those who can certainly afford it...
Jokes From Shaf
One person who did not emerge from the crisis with a favorable public opinion is Ted Cruz, who abandoned his state to vacation in Mexico...
Last Saturday night, took a drive down to the Lakefront for the Hoan Bridge lighting to music on
FM 88.9. I realized that I have not be out of the house in the evening, except to get take out food, in over a year!! We stopped at Three Brothers, got carry out food and watched the show eating dinner in the car from Summerfest Lot P. While it wasn't the dancing waters at Bellagio, it was a nice diversion from sitting at home, watching TV. And it was free, parking and all. I think it will be going on for the next number of Saturday's at 7PM, so if you are looking to get out of the house, it is worth the drive.
Lots of my friends are now vaccinated, many with both shots, some with one, very few in my age group with none. And now the question is how to restructure our lives. Can we get together with friends who are vaccinated? How about a plane trip? A vacation? When can the poker group restart? Everyone gives the same answers, "Not sure", but at some point, live has to go on. If the risk is that you will get a flu like illness, but not end up hospitalized or dead, that I can accept...and I think that is where we are at. So after Beautiful Bonnie has had her shot for the prescribed 2 weeks, maybe things may change in The Chairman's household...in baby steps...for the time being.
The lull in the sports world will soon break...March Madness, baseball restarting, NFL draft, the
resolution of the J.J. Watt sweepstakes. Hope the Packers take a bold approach, they won't have as good a chance for a title when Rodgers is gone.
And finally, the weather is changing. No more bitter cold, the snow is melting and the days are getting longer. Won't we love it when spring comes and we can be outside. It will make those wary of socializing even more comfortable.
And what else is going on? Let's see...
and not be a part of Republican politics are wrong. His ego is too great...
These QUICKIES that will really make you groan...
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “That's the last thing I need."
Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.
Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.
What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
In a related subject, in Business News, in an employment story that Platinum Tarks will get a kick out of, a new hiring technique to avoid hiring nut cases...
One for The Sultan of Silicone...
All the shady characters who inhabited the swamp in Washington that Trump pledged to drain will be crawling out from under their rocks to bask in his limelight...
In Science News, with the Texas power officials continuing assert that "Green Energy" was the problem with the power failure...
Here is one from someone we haven't heard from in ages ...
Trump's family will be cheering from the stage, knowing how lucrative a term in office has been for them...
Google is kind of racist with its search results...
True Golf Buddy
A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced,
for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at
the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a
fucking mess and the dishes are still in the sink.
I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night.
Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas? I can't be
bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the fuck did you bring him home without
letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married!"
So that's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next week a MOST REWATCHED MOVIE SCENES UPDATE.
Will have a week to think about what that might be.
Have a great week until then and stay safe.
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
March 2, 2021
Update 1035
Next Update-
March 9, 2021
Most Rewatched
Movie Scenes Update
Defending the family honor...
Two Italian men get on a bus
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
The Jewish sex postition...
And finally, one for computer expert, Brad The College Grad...
The ultimate Trump ass kisser who would rather kiss Trump's ass than his wifes, who Trump implied was unfaithful with his tweet that Cruz better be careful or he would "spill the beans" on his wife...
The Evangelical crowd will put aside any semblance of morality, only looking at Trump's Pro-Life stand, as they cheer his return...
sent this one, but I guarantee it did not work on his wife's
birthday...
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