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For the Democrats, the acquittal was not good news...
An old man and his lawyer have a meeting with an IRS agent.
They sit down in his office as the agent pulls out the man's tax records. "it says that the majority of your income is made by gambling, how do you manage that?". The man replies "I'll show you; I will bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eyeball." The agent thinks a minute and then agrees to the bet. The man pops out his glass eye and chomps down on it. The agent is surprised and disappointed.
The man then says "you didn't know I had a fake eye, so I'll give you another chance; double or nothing that I can bite my other eye!". The tax agent thinks that of course he can't have two fake eyes, so he agrees. The old man pops out his dentures and chomps them down on his other eye.
The agent is distraught, how did he fall for that? Seeing the agent upset the old man has another offer: " tell ya what, double or nothing one more time that I can stand on one end of your desk, piss into the trash can on the other side without getting a drop on the desk." the tax agent looks at his oversized 8 foot long desk and figures there's no way he can do this, so he takes the bet. The man unzips, gives it a good try, but ends up pissing all over the agent's desk. The tax agent looks up smiling that he finally won, but then sees the lawyer shaking his head in disbelief. "what's wrong with you" he asked. The lawyer responds "just before we walked in the door he bet me $10000 that he could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it."
Well, the impeachment of President Donald J. Trump is over, and to nobody's surprise, he was acquitted in a vote that went along party lines...
Well, that's all for this Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next week with a Yoga Update.
Have a great week until then.
Chivalrous Ken's wife is at Froedtert Hospital to become the first patient in this area to try a new immunotherapy drug to treat adult leukemia. Let's hope that her bone marrow will respond and that she will then be able to get a bone marrow transplant to provide the remission we all hope she gets. If attitude counts for anything in healing, she will get a good result, because there is NOBODY who has a more positive, optimistic mind set than she. And the support of Chivalrous Ken helps as well.
And we also wish a speedy recovery to Brad The College Grad's wife who is facing some tricky vascular surgery to relieve blockages in the abdominal aorta.
Some other news regarding The Chairman...we are on the move! Our home of 30 years will be on the market as you are reading this Update and we will be moving just down the street from The Sniper in Mequon. Will be sad to say goodbye to a home we built and raised our kids in, but with
retirement coming in just over a year, it is time to make this change. Not sure how Murphy will like giving up her big backyard to run in. We close on the new place in just over a week, but will stay in the old home for a while as we do some decorating. Plus it is easier to sell the home with furniture in it. So if you know anyone who is interested, give The Chairman a call.
And what else is happening this week? Let's check it out...
When the husband wants to get a romantic gift for Valentine's Day...
In Sports News, the NBA is considering changing their logo featuring a likeness of Jerry West ...
February 18, 2020
Everyone finds their own help...
For Joe Biden, the fourth place showing in New Hampshire was a big disappointment...
What happened to the Blonde who tried to blow up a School Bus?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
But for Fox News, the turmoil with the Democrats is welcome news...
More about sex, from ...
And speaking about sex...
Morning sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "you've got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this us going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave her my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "thanx," and return to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzle, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, *"the eggs timer's broken"*
And those masks are not just for the mouth, you have to protect the twins, you know...
Tax time is coming soon...
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday… but I fish on Fridays.”
The brewers of Corona beer have been hurt the association with the coronavirus, so to keep sales up, they have renamed their Corona beer...
The importance of education...
to one honoring Kobe Bryant...
as this mayor suggests...
The one Republican Senator who voted actually evaluated the evidence and did not just toe the Party line was rewarded by President Trump with a new position in the administration...
In a related story, Saun Weiss starred in the film, "The Mighty Ducks" at the age of 13 on the left. On the right, you seen him at age 41 today, a victim of a meth addiction...
In other National News, our buddy Platinum Tarks state of Minnesota has continued its tradition of electing some unusual folks...
Mitch McConnell cemented his place in Trump's inner circle with his work during the trial...
A teacher asks a boy in her class “If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?”
The boy responds with “None.”
The teacher asks why. “
They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot.”
The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think.
Later, the boy asks the teacher “3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?”
The teacher says “The one sucking it.”
The boy says “No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think.”
And with the primaries in full swing, those in the rear are taking pot shots at the front runners...
It was too bad that nobody ever heard John Bolton's testimony...
More QUICKIES that will make you groan...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Blonde joke...
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's submissions:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Can't see talking to his wife like this and living either...
Maybe now that the trial is over, Trump's memory will improve...
Seems like this is what all the Republicans did to our most precious document...
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with one from
just back from Hawaii...
How true this one is...
And the local Target stores really laid an egg when they put these sweatshirts on sale in the Twin Cities...
Hate that autocorrect...
And I guess if you are going to have sex with animals, you must wear protection!!?*?!!...
In other Business News, McDonalds is getting into the aesthetics field...
After several months of hounding, a guy finally takes his wife golfing ....
On no. 8, she hits an errant shot right behind a barn. She asks her husband, "now what am I gonna do?"
The husband replies, "don't worry, I'll just open the barn doors and you'll have a clear shot right to the pin!"
He opens the doors and the wife lets fly a line drive that hits the support post, comes straight back at her, hits her in the temple and strikes her dead on the spot!
The man needs time to properly grieve, then 2 weeks later decides to go golfing with his buddies at the same course. He also hits the same errant shot behind the barn and as he approaches the ball sitting there, he confides in his buddies, "sorry if I seem down but this hole brings back bad memories."
They all consoled him "oh man, we're real sorry ... we heard."
The man replies, "ya, last time here I got a 7 on this hole."
With only one Republican taking the time to actually consider the evidence and vote without considering the political fallout it might have ...
Jokes From Shaf
A malpractice suit waiting to happen...
What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?
You pull off the ring and then your house is gone
And lastly, after the Kansas City Chiefs won this year's Super Bowl, some fans felt that the victory needed to be shared with the coach who led them to glory in the early years, Hank Stram...
Scientists continue to study the transmission of the coronavirus...
A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea, it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refunded for myself.
‘ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose and another, then another…..
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! “You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’
No golf yet, but always the season for golf jokes...
Those who must fly in Asia are trying novel ways to protect themselves...
And oxycodone maker, Purdue Pharmaceuticals, arrested a man for putting a 10 foot heroin sculpture on their doorstep to protest their part in the oxy crisis...
And finally, a German girlfriend joke that is funny...
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