These sure must taste better that those organic ones...

So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes with the Lead Off Spot going to a guy who is becoming a regular submitter now that he is retired,                                                                                       ...

The rallying cry for the Trump base is that if you don't like Trump's America, the leave. Maybe a past

President had a more cogent view...


the fact that people were not present with guns to stop this...

Lots has happened in Washington in the past two weeks since we have had an Update of Jokes. 

First, President Trump railed against Democratic House Oversight Chairman, and frequent Trump critic, Elijah Cummings about how his city of Baltimore was a rat infested mess...

mental illness...

No Update is complete without one from                                                                      ...

If you wonder how others see us, take a look at their media...

And lastly, everyone is trying the "Bottle Cap Challenge", where you try to spin off the top of a twist top soda bottle...

And if you don't believe that racism is a problem in America that fuels this type of hateful action, just take a look at some of the filth that was spewed when Obama was in office...

In other News, Canada will be banning plastic straws soon...

And the stock market had a bad week as trade talks with China failed to reach an agreement. Lost in the Trump spending spree is any talk of reducing the deficit, which the Republicans are always clamoring for when the Democrats are in office...

and the movies...

                         August  13, 2019

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college, “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.

In Technology News, the rage is the Age App, which attempts to show you what you will look like in 25 years. Tried it myself, not too happy with what it showed me...

In Business News, an interesting footnote to why A and W was not able to beat McDonalds, sure shows how dumb Americans are...


In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, an attractive girl was waiting for a bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn’t!


So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.


So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.


About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him “How dare you touch me!! I don’t even know who you are!”


At this, the big guy drawled, “Well ma’am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured it would be OK!”

So Donald Trump was talking to one of his aides, and off on one of his usual rants...

“We need less immigrants! Less Mexicans! Less Colombians! Less Guatemalans! Less Puerto Ricans!”

Finally the aide couldn’t take it anymore, leaned in and said quietly: “fewer.”

“I told you not to call me that yet!!”

So the lawyer says...

Lawyer: so you wanna divorce Minnie cuz she’s... extremely silly..????

Mickey Mouse: No I said she was fucking goofy!!!

The Baltimore Sun had a stellar response...

video games...

A way with words with the ladies...

And maybe if he is really concerned about the condition of rental properties in the area, he only needs to look to his own family for answers...

Not what it looks like to me...

And second, the demonization of Hispanics coming from Trump and the failure to reign in his

white nationalist racist base...

Did you miss me with my week off last week? Had a great time watching DrJ's kids for 5 days while they went on a 10th anniversary trip to Toronto. Did so much, went to State Fair,

The Discovery World Museum, JCC Family Park and Bookworm Gardens in Sheboygan. If you have grandkids, check out Bookworm Gardens. It is a magical place where children's books come to life in beautiful gardens outside. It is free and so well maintained. Certainly worth the drive.


Just over a month until Vegas 27, and the weeks before we go will be devoted to a couple of 

Vegas Updates. Always a good time for those who partake in the premium cigars, adult beverages, great food and fun at the gambling tables.


Football season is in full swing with the exhibition season going on. Only a few weeks until they strap it on for real with the opener for the Pack in Chicago. And a tough schedule ahead for my Badgers, probably headed for an  8 win season and a lower level bowl game.


And lots of News to cover in the last 2 weeks, so let's get to it...

Then later this past week, there were more mass shootings in Texas and Dayton...

Lawyer joke for Platinum Tarks...

QUICKIES about social relationships...

In other National News, Mitch McConnell refused to allow consideration of legislation to try and prevent Russian interference with the 2020 election, despite documented evidence that they had interfered in 2016...

Trump did not speak out right away, and when he did, he fucked it up, as usual (although, to be fair, Biden said the shooting was in Michigan as well)...

After the shootings, the usual "thoughts and prayers" were offered, and the usual causes of the violence were cited, like the media...

all in the name of "Free Speech"...

And finally, one more about The President...

That's all for this week's edition of Jokes From Shaf.

Back next Tuesday with a Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Update.

Have a great week until then.

Jokes From Shaf is a cooperative humor website. We take the best of reader submissionsto go along with the best humor our staff (me) finds and publishes 

updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.


Send your submissions to me via email at this below link

Email: 

jokes@jokesfromshaf.com

and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf. 


Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.

Looks like more MAGA in 2020...

One from                                                                           ...

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

Here's a crude one...

And more die as an impotent Congress does not act due to the leverage of big gun money...

Catholic joke...

AS I GET OLDER I REALIZE:


#1  -  I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice


#2  -  I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.


#3  -  I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off.


#4  -  My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.


#5  -  The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down.  I'll remember it."


#6  -  I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.


#7  -  These days, "on time" is when I get there.


#8  -  Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.


#9  -  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?


#10  -  Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.


#11  -  "Getting lucky" means walking into  a room and remembering why I'm there.


#12  -  When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment.  Now it feels like a mini vacation.


#13  -  Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.


#14  -  I thought growing old would take longer


#15  -  Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

In Hollywood News, another celebrity has been hit with a sex scandal...

Nowhere is there any mention of the two main problems most Americans feel is the cause of this epidemic of death. First, the easy availability of guns, especially high powered assault weapons, that the overwhelming majority of Americans want banned...

Jokes From Shaf

Doctors have to know how to talk to people...

If you look at his track record, it is no surprise that his morals are in question...

Leave it to Jokes to give you the best performer in the challenge...

3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes...

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.

He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."

To the first nun, St Peter asks "Where did Adam meet the first woman?" The Nun replied, "In the Garden Of Eden."

St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened...

St Peter then turned to the second Nun and asked, "What was the name of the first woman in the garden of Eden?" The second Nun promptly replied, "Her name was Eve."

St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened...

St Peter then turns to the final Nun, and asks "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam in the garden of Eden?" The Nun was stumped, and stood still for a very long time trying to recall the answer. "Ooh, that's a hard one..." she muttered under her breath.

St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened...