Jokes From Shaf
Went to the doctor to find out why I shake so much.
After many doctors, not knowing, I finally went to an etiologist who hit the nail on the head.
He asked about my condition and I explained that I randomly shake in different places and my body just can’t stand still. It’s always twitching and shaking all over the place.
After his examination he asked if I watch the news frequently, I said yes, I do.
He said, you have Tourette’s syndrome and that is the cause of the poly tics.
Me: Would you like a scotch and sofa?
She: I would prefer a gin and platonic.
Me: Would you like to go to my place or yours?
She: Actually, both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.
Me: Would you like to come back to my place
She: Really? I did not know there was room for two, under a rock!
It is always about sex on Jokes From Shaf...
The stock market is down as his tariff policy threatens a worldwide trade war...
A born salesman...
His attitude to protecting Teslas reminds me of another autocrat who shilled for automobiles...
A new burger to try...
Would you like some bacon and eggs?
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
"It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
A man was walking along a street, and happened to notice a sex shop.
‘We have something for everyone!’, the sign read.
His curiosity piqued, he walked in. The shopkeeper greeted the man, and offered a variety of toys. The man said, ‘I am married, but you know, we don’t really do it frequently’.
The shopkeeper said, ‘I have just the thing for you.’
Couple of moments later, he arrives with a box. The man peered in, and saw a big frog. ‘Are you messing with me?’
The shopkeeper said, ‘No sir, not at all! This is a special frog that is well trained to give blowjobs. In fact, if you are not satisfied, you can bring it back tomorrow, and I’ll refund the money.’
The man thought, ‘What the hell. Pack it.’
Later that night at about 3 in the morning, his wife was awakened by a lot of ruckus in the kitchen. She went into the kitchen to find his husband with a large frog. Naturally, she asked, ‘What the hell is going on?
The husband says, ‘Well. If I can teach this thing how to cook, you’re out of here tomorrow.’
James Bond walks into a bar
He sits next to a very good looking woman at the counter, and orders himself a drink. He then proceeds to play with his watch not even paying the slightest of attention to the woman.
She is intrigued, and asks: “Is your lady friend running late?”
“No”, replies Bond. “I’m just testing my new technologically advanced watch.”
“What’s so special about it?”, she asks.
“Well, I can actually telepathically communicate with it using my alpha brain waves.”
“And what are they telling you now?”
“That you don’t have any underwear on.”
The woman bursts into laughing, and exclaims: “Your watch is complete trash. As a matter of fact, I do have underwear on.”
James Bond starts tapping on the dial of the watch with a concerned look. “Oh, it looks like they’re an hour ahead.”
Sex is less as we get older...
Quickies from ...
Reminds me of the prostitute hired to dress up as Supergirl as a present to an elder friend, and she shows up and says I'm here to give you Super Sex!
He thought for a minute and said he will have the soup.
Trump's policies seem designed to only benefit one segment of society...the rich. For the rest of us, they seem to have no logic...
Sad end to the Badger basketball team who could not overcome a bad first half, especially the last minute. All in all, it was a great year for a team picked to finish 12th in the Big Ten, and it makes you believe that Gard can compete with an more up tempo style of play in today's NIL world. I will bet he brings in 3 athletic players to go with Blackwell and Winter...if he can hold on to them. I am sure there will be surprise defections in the roster, it goes with college athletics today.
Good news in sick bay, as the Dim Bulb came home, a week after a 7 hour procedure on March 19. His strong will and positive attitude pulled him through, where some of the medical people had their doubts. Will be good to see him across the poker table in late April...I hope.
Next week most of the snowbirds return to homes up North...The Czar of The Cigar, Bert, and Platinum Tarks. Will be good to see them all again. As for The Chairman and Beautiful Bonnie, we have been to California for 5 straight years and we are ready for a change. Maybe a week in LA and spend more time in a warmer area, like Palm Springs, Naples or maybe just travel around to a few places in the South. Murphy the Dog certainly complicates any decision we make on a winter trip. But if we stay healthy, all will work itself out.
And speaking of staying healthy, next week is the next round of scans for The Chairman. Hopefully will only get good news.
And speaking of News, let's take a look at what was newsworthy last week...
More groaner QUICKIES...
Speaking of being able to bring home the bacon...
I think we are all afflicted by this these days...
Another week, another week of Trump in th e News...
A man stopped at his favorite bar after a hard day’s work. He notices a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer.
The man downs the shot chased it with the beer and then looks into his shirt pocket.
This continues several more times before the Man’s curiosity gets the best of him
He leans over to the guy and says” Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual.
Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink you shot and beer.
The guy replies” My wife’s picture in in there and when she starts looin’ good, I know it’s time to go home”
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
Late one night during one of their rendezvous she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage ,he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child.
If she stayed in Italy , he would also provide child support until the child turns 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card and write “spaghetti” on the back.
One day , about 9 months later, he came home to a confused wife.
“Honey”, she said, ”you received a very strange post card today”.
Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later”, he replied.
The wife handed him the card and watched her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written ”Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meat balls, one without”.
Don't tell this one to your wife...
I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect..
Then they fried me for no raisin .
speaking of fired...
I was fired from Pepsi today
... Tested positive for coke.
\
and in the news...
A naked man broke into a church.
The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
and one more...
What was the name of the Irishman who was kicked out of the army for being a terrible shot?
Rick O’Shay
He ignores Federal judges in his quest to deport aliens, saying that they are a threat to the nation on the
basis of the tattoos they have. While some are the gang members that he claims, others are not and are
being denied due process...
Trump has reopened relations with Russia. He says it is to end the conflict in Ukraine, but many
feel that Putin has something on Trump and is manipulating him to regain a position on the world
stage...
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born
in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
So that wraps up another Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next week, a TIM CONWAY IS THE FUNNIEST UPDATE.
Have a great week until then.
And finally, side effect of Viagra you might not know about...
"The name is Bond...James Bond"...
America could save a lot of money if we could just stop Trump from playing golf...
Another one from ...
Some interesting similarities between Lincoln and Kennedy, brought to you by that world acclaimed
historian, ...
With many unhappy with the role that Elon Musk has taken in government, and what he is access to as an unelected, unconfirmed part of the administration, they have taken their anger out against his Tesla
company. Trump has risen to his defense, calling those who attack Tesla "Terrorists"...
March 25, 2025
Selling bibles
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louie stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louie, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday, which they did.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Pastor, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here!
Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-for sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louie replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
A bunch of Quickies...
Pantene has done their market research...
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March 25, 2025
Update 1187
Next Update
April 1, 2025
TIM CONWAY IS
THE FUNNIEST UPDATE
So with the NEWS covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to my best source for jokes,
you know I am talking about ...
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