Would this guy get the job if Platinum Tarks was doing the interview?...
So that's all for this weeks Update of Jokes From Shaf
Next Tuesday, an If They Were Honest Update
Have a great week until then.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man, “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball–stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”
Our President continues to communicate with the country via tweets. Well here are a few good ones in response...
Some British Humor from ...
In Science News, always check out a prospective mates genes...or jeans, as the case may be. Here are an amazing set-grandmother, mother and granddaughter. All look so young!!...
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
And lastly, in Sports News, the NFL has opened preseason, with New England and Tom Brady being the favorites...
Even if you are not in Italy...
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked “What is the fastest thing you know of?” pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied “A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. And now you sir?
He asked the second man. “Hmm…. let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliché for speed.” as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.” Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light.” he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.
“After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.”
“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see the other day wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I’d crapped in my pants!”
He got the job.
And finally, always room for one from Little Johnny...
A couple from ...
and pop star, Demi Lovato is not, being admitted to rehab for a heroin overdose...
Some amazing footage was released of all those who helped rescue the Thai soccer team boys trapped in a cave...
In Celebrity News, Jennifer Lopez is looking good as she celebrates her 48th birthday...
And speaking of good manners...
The Democrats are scrambling to find a candidate, and it looks like one candidate is finally through...
and an even better one...
If your wife takes a long time in the shower, don't get her Pantene Shampoo in the new bottle...
In Business News, all the Toys R Us stores are now closed...
After examining a male patient, a doctor took the man’s wife aside.
“I must be honest with you,” he said in an ominous tone, “I don’t like the looks of your husband.”
“Me neither,” said the wife. “But he brings home a good wage, and he’s great with the kids.”
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?" Granny replies: "The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense ofhumor.
6. A chap's wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.
9. My missus packed my bags , and as I walked out the front door she screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!"
10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night.
and one more...
His relationship with Russian strongman Putin is still open to question...
but there is no mistaking Putin's ultimate goal...
The Cavs lost in the NBA Finals again this year...
while those who abhor his conduct feel like telling him to...
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to
his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter.
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
But despite the marital infidelity, the dirty campaign deals, the racist ideology allowed, it does not seem to matter to his supporters...
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to who else but , with some fashion advice...
and he will screw anyone to accomplish it...
Either somebody needs to proofread the signs better, or KC has a new way of attacting tourism...
In other News, a new skyscraper is being erected in China featuring a 350 foot waterfall...
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
and the Brewers try to stay in the pennant race, riding the big bat of Jesus Aguilar...
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher said to her students:
“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”
Mike raised his hand and replied: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”
The teacher said: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”
Charlie replied: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”
The teacher says: “That’s much better, but to mention the word ”toilet” during a meal is unpleasant.”
Then Johnny chimed in: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”
And if you are looking for a good job, here are two of the best ones I can imagine. First...
but he is always willing to make exceptions for a cute face...
Jokes From Shaf is a cooperative humor website. We take the best of reader submissionsto go along with the best humor our staff (me) finds and publishes
updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
Thanks to all for the good wishes on my birthday and anniversary. Had a great weekend with all my kids and grandchildren under one roof. It was wonderful. And then we went to Chicago with
our Traveling Buddies, The Sniper and Luscious Lori, to see the musical, Hamilton. That is a show that really lives up to its hype. It is amazing that someone could create a musical to the story of
Alexander Hamilton. There are 35 different songs, with musicality from rap to ballads. It is what they say it is, a 21st Century Opera. If you get the chance, go see it.
The Pack has opened play and if The Chairman was the GM, I would gladly trade away two first round picks to get Oakland Raider's holdout, Khalil Mack. That would give the defense the shot in the arm they need to push the Pack to elite status. We will see if the Pack GM reads Jokes and listens to me.
And it is election day today, so go do your civic duty and vote. The more the public's voice is heard, the more we can do something about the sorry state our government is in now.
And what else is new? Let's see...
Oldie but goodie golf joke...
And please stop sending Bob Saget these annoying emails...
The Federal Russia probe continues, and Trump's attorney, Michael Cohen, is preparing to testify.
His story may be a riveting one to watch...
If They Were
Jokes From Shaf
Many of us over 50 – Way over 50 – are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. And for those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway – you'll be there.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker
And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
14. A thong and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we might as well dance!
Have a nice day!