So in only a week, we will decide the future of America. Be sure to cast your ballot, voting as if...
or the horrible baseless accusations that portray Biden as a demented pedophile...
And finally, this may make you get a new iPhone this year...
Many jokes about marriage this week...
A woman packed her husband bags and kicked him out of the house...
As he walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," her husband replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
But it was not Toobin's first brush with sexual impropriety, he visited swinger's clubs with Roger Stone,
had a baby with Casey Greenfield while married to his current wife, and a reputation as a sexual predator. What a perv!!!
Maybe with all the problems of our current political system and the people in it, Jon Stewart has the right idea...
Truly a sad day on Jokes as The Chairman must report that Claire Fabric has lost her 2 year battle with leukemia and passed away on Sunday. Claire was trained as a social worker and if you knew her, it was the perfect career for her. She always thought of the other person first, always was there with a thoughtful action, a kind word and some sage advice. When family members needed her, she dropped everything to help, as she did for years when her daughter in law faced a difficult cancer problem. She was devoted to her 2 sons and 2 daughters and treated their mates like her children as well. She was always present for as many of her grandchildren's events as possible, event going to Hawaii every year to maintain a relationship with those that had moved far away. And she and Ken were a team. They shared the good times in life and those that were sad, always together, each drawing strength from each other.
While you often hear, "The world is a sadder place without her.", in this case it is true. Claire faced her 2 year battle with a bitter foe with grace, a smile and enormous strength. She never dwelled on her misfortune, only tried to move forward with a smile, never ever being a burden to Ken or the rest of her family. And when I was fortunate enough to spend a few hours in the yard with her, she never wanted to talk about herself, rather wanting to know all the details of my family and what was going on in my life. For my friend, my partner, Ken, words can never fill the void he now has in his life. I only hope with the passage of time, he will remember how lucky he was to have a person like Claire in his life, even if for a shorter time than he wanted, for few are so blessed. We are all saddened by her loss.
The internet has run wild with this one as well...
He feels confident as he is ahead in the polls and is running against...
Never thought about it like that. May have ruined two tasty treats for me...
Here is one that will make you think, from ...
He tried to smear Joe Biden with allegations that his son, Hunter, had taken illegal money from foreign powers based on emails found on a laptop in Delaware...
October 27, 2020
I was making love to my wife last night.
She looked back and said “I’m feeling kinky! turn off the light and stick it in my ass!”
As soon as I did she screamed!
I reckon the next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.
Now living in a condo, so have to be considerate of neighbors...
And you know the Packer faithful will be psyched for it as well...
And he did not disavow any of the crazy internet rumors of nefarious groups like QANON...
How a marriage works:
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy coo? asked the wife.
'I'm going to the Twin Peaks pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,
Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lollypop...but at Twin Peaks you
know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at Twin Peaks
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochie pooh?' She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the Twin Peaks You know...there's swearing,
dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead?
Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug
and eat your mother fucking snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere!’
Got it, Asshole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
And on a similar note, CNN legal analyst, Jeffery Toobin, was caught pleasuring himself in front of his computer. He thought that the ZOOM call he was on was over, however the camera and video feed was still on...
Trump claimed that Biden would raise taxes and cripple the economy...
We need to protect our borders from the criminals and rapists coming over from Mexico...
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
Even though the Vikes have a poor record, you know their fans will be up for a game against their hated rivals...
Oh well, at least he got a gig sponsoring an apparel product out of the controversy...
I know more than the scientists about Coronavirus or climate change...
While he was put on leave from CNN, Toobin also got a commercial endorsement from the situation...
In other NEWS, Rudy Giuliani was caught in a compromising position in a prank set up by Sasha Baron Cohen. Using his Borat character, he put Rudy in a hotel room with Borat's 15 year old
daughter. He was caught pleasuring himself and tried to state he was "tucking in his shirt"...
The fact that he is not a racist and has perfect record with the Black community, who he has "done more for than any President other than Abraham Lincoln"...
QUICKIES that will make you groan...
Biden's campaign got a boost as President Obama got back on the campaign trail for him. Like him or not, there are few better behind the mike giving a speech...
In summary, Trump was more controlled, but most of what came out of his mouth was lies and a whole pile of...
Trump railed against Biden's healthcare plan calling it "Socialized Medicine" and said that they would have a "beautiful plan" that would cover everyone, the details soon to be announced...
And speaking of marriage, another guy who really wears the pants in his house sends us this joke about what goes on in his house. I am talking about ...
The final debate was more civilized, with less interrupting. Trump stuck to the same themes he has had throughout the final days of the campaign: I did a good job on Coronavirus...
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!
With all the interrupting that President Trump did in the first Presidential Debate, new rules were put in place to prevent it from happening with the final debate...
So with all the NEWS covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to my number one source week in and week out, the Jokemaster, with a sexual tip...
Here's a bright guy...
but even he had a problem with what went on...
Well, that's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next Tuesday with an Interview Bloopers Update.
Have a great week and stay safe until then.
Biden just had to try and stay on point and not make any mistakes, which he did, and he got in a few shots as well, especially when it came to the subject of Trump's taxes...
Trump rose to Rudy's defense...
With the election a week away, a good one from ...
even though he retweeted racist views that others had uttered, causing Savannah Guthrie to say...
A couple of medical jokes...
I bought a new car, but I couldn't get the radio working. So, I went back to the dealership and told them my problem with the vehicle.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated and would give me an example of how it operates.
He then said to the radio 'Nelson.'
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie !' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said 'Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, 'Ass Hole, Fucking Idiot!'
Immediately the radio responded with ....'Ladies and gentlemen, The President of the United States.'
Damn, I love this car !!!
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
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October 27, 2020
Update 1018
Next Update-
November 3, 2020
Interview Blooper Update
Lastly, in Sports News, the Packers have a rematch against Platinum Tarks home team, the
Minnesota VikQueens...
with homage to recently deceased...
And he was more than happy to take the opportunity to finally give it back to Trump who has been trashing him for 4 years...
Jokes From Shaf
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
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