And what words will we remember his Presidency for?...
ABC's ratings for the games was only fair, and some have suggested ways to improve the broadcasts...
The Labor Department reports that the job market for recent college grads is excellent, with many businesses hiring...
Traveling is finally over--Japan, China, Florida, St. Louis, all in 5 weeks. Happy to be home for a while and enjoy the start of Summer in Milwaukee. Weather is getting nice and yard work awaits. Hope all
of you who are fathers that read Jokes had a great Father's Day last weekend. We are not getting any
younger, and shit is happening to many of those we know, so take it from The Chairman, don't put off
doing the things you want to do. Do it now while you are healthy and can enjoy what you have worked for all these years. Go on that trip, get that convertible you always dreamed of, treat your kids to a
trip with you. Money is to be enjoyed, not just looked at and hoarded for the proverbial rainy day.
And that is not news, but these items are...
Teacher asks class to think of a word and then put it in a sentence.
Little Johnny puts up his hand and says "URINATE"
Teacher is shocked but says can you put that in a sentence?
Little Johnny says, "My Dad says you're an eight but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."
And speaking of a woman's private parts...
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and says "I want a tattoo of ELVIS on the inside of my right thigh."
The artist says "No Problem, get undressed and lay on the table." When he is done, he says "So, what do you think?"
She replies," That doesn't look like ELVIS at all! I want you to do it over on the inside of my left thigh" The artist agrees and when finished, asks for her to appraise his work. "DAMMIT,..not only does that not look like ELVIS, it looks just like the tattoo on my other thigh!"
Calmly the artist asks her if she would like a second opinion and he walks outside and grabs the first person he sees...a drunk. He brings him back inside, shoves his face between her legs and says, "I want you to look at these two tattoos and tell me who it is?" The drunk looks at one tattoo, then the other, and exclaims, "Well...I don't know about the twins, but that's WILLIE NELSON in the middle!"
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
And when it comes to toilets, they have their shit together. Heated seats, music, and spritzing at you from all directions...
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
The Mars Candy Company is trying to boost M and Ms sales with a new additive...
And finally, one from ...
A Quickie that is certainly a groaner...
and an iconic restaurant is changing their name...
M. Gillingwater was not impressed with this Amazon item...
and crossing is allowed in all directions...
And where koi are seen in the culverts that line the streets...
Owner review of a Mitsubishi truck...
And lastly, Sarah White has opened her counseling office with a new technique, Naked Therapy.
"Naked Therapy™... is an experience that combines elements from positive and person-centered talk therapy, experiential therapy, and creative play therapy, with the added component of the client and/or therapist getting naked to facilitate more honest. And of course, The Chairman has the pics....
Always room for planetary humor...
WELCOME to 2018
Our Phones - Wireless
Cooking - Fireless
Cars - Keyless
Food - Fatless
Dress - Sleeveless
Youth - Jobless
Leaders - Shameless
Relationships - Meaningless
Attitudes - Careless
Babies - Fatherless
Feelings - Heartless
Education - Valueless Children – Mannerless
We are - SPEECHLESS,
Government - is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians - are WORTHLESS!
I'm scared - Shitless!
Where taxi drivers wear white gloves, jackets and caps...
Oldie but goodie, still funny...
Women like different types of movies than guys do...
Some groaners, from ...
Every year at the State Fair, Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he just wasn't going to bother.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God, nothing. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's Pie Stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. He noticed she wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And Paul looked shattered as the winning number was shown as 707.
In Sports, the NBA season is over, as the Cavs game plan did not work...
Be sure you read the signs correctly...
I certainly have a much better idea of the Japanese culture after my trip, where there are no custodians in the school, rather children clean their classrooms at the end of each school day...
We start with our President, who, like a leopard, has never changed his spots. He remains selfish, only looking out for himself...
Yes, the forecast for the future is dim...
In Business News, Home Depot is testing out a new product...
Little Johnny is a fixture on Jokes...
Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of
the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says,
‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies,
‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his
stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn’ he says and
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a
step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just
get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to
the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head
outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better
and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says. He can see his house
just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up
the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.He takes a
look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’ He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He
takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says
‘damn it’ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a
cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink
last night ?’
Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’
‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’
The food, it is something else...
incapable of showing empathy for those less fortunate...
In Science News, NASA was found embarking on a new project...
and not a figure that the world looks up to...
Funny, I feel a psychological problem coming on right now.
So with the News covered, it is on to Today's Jokes, with a synopsis of 2018 from ...
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I’m sending him over.
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth", the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"
So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.
"Nith mouth, Can I see her eyesth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses eyes.
"Ok, what about the earsth?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
"OK, finally, can I see her twat?"
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that, "Can I see her RUN?"
But we are not the only country to have issues. Consider the sorry state of the French in years past...
Jokes From Shaf is a cooperative humor website. We take the best of reader submissionsto go along with the best humor our staff (me) finds and publishes
updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link
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Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
In Celebrity News, Lindsay Lohan bears an amazing resemblance to the classic statue when she is drunk...
That's all for this week's edition of Jokes From Shaf
Back next Tuesday with a Jeopardy Update.
Have a great week until then.
Jokes From Shaf