There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs.
She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."
I'll explain it by using a Q & A format.
Q. What is a 'Tax Cut'?
A. It is money that the federal government will return to taxpayers when they filetheir "1040 Tax Returns."
Q. Where will the government get this money that they are going to return?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this tax cut?
A The plan is for you to use the money to purchase an ultra high-definition TV set,
thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up!
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your "tax cut returns" wisely:
* If you spend the "tax cut returns" money at Wal-Mart, the money will ; go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India (software), China (hardware).
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to banking management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
With no one to make a fancy White House dinner, President Trump fed the NCAA Champ Clemson Tiger team McDonald's burgers when they came for a visit...
In Medical News, ADHD is still a problem for our students...
So that's all for this week's edition of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next week with a second edition of videos from the readers
in an Update called From The Readers 2
Have a great week until then.
The aussie tourist was video taping his visit to the Vatican when he spied a white robed figure in the distance. Zooming in he realized it was the Pope, with his cassock thrown over his head and his hand on his dick.
The Pope looked up just then and saw him, so walked over casually and said, "What's that on your shoulder?"
The tourist says proudly, "This is my new video camera I just bought duty free."
Pope says, "MMMMMM interesting. Tell you what, I'll give you $20,000 for that camera."
Aussie thinks that's great and walks away with his money.
Now Pope starts walking about videoing everything when one of the Cardinals walks up and asks what the Pope is doing.
Pope tells him he has just bought this video from a tourist.
Interested, the Cardinal says Yeah, How much?
Pope says $20,000.
Cardinal, amazed says laughingly, "Boy he must have seen you coming"
An Engineers' Conversion Table
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
And you know, we still have never seen Trump's taxes!?!?!?...
His staff continues to leave him...
Some info you probably did not know, from ...
The Southern Border Wall continues to dominate the news, as Trump and the Democrats dig in their heels with opposing viewpoints of what is best for America, with the President threatening to declare a national emergency...
So with all the news covered, let's get to this week's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to our resident business expert , who explains what a "Tax Cut" is...
January 22, 2019
And with the opposing factions at odds, the governmental shutdown goes over a month...
A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling.
He says: "You're nervous, aren't you?"
"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynecologist."
"Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Oh, yes please."
He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num..."
In Business news, Hallmark is creating a new line of professional holiday cards...
A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular Scandinavian-looking young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached out for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there were screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and asks, "OK, now you finish?"
And once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly purrs, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously -- screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiling proudly, and says, "Now you finish!"
"No!" she shouts back, "I Swedish!"
Hope you liked the Comics on Christianity Update last week. This joke would have fit in well there ...
Top 14 things Samuel L. Jackson should have said as Jedi Master Mace Windu...
14. You can stick your well-laid Death Star plans up your well-laid ass.
13. You must go to Dagobah, where you will be taught by Yoda, the sly, sweet mother fucker who taught me this shit.
12. That's no moon, asshole - thats a f****ing space station!
11. I don't care how good you say they are. I ain't fightin' alongside no fuck-ass teddy bears.
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room... accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
5. "What!?" ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?
4. You sendin' in the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad Mother Fucker.'
Had our first winter snowstorm last weekend...
Oldie but goodie...
they killed 4 Americans in a suicide attack. This certainly caused the temperature in the
White House to rise...
QUICKIES about sexual topics of interest to the readers of Jokes...
And just to rant on National Priorities again, in a great country like ours, our citizens in Flint, Michigan STILL have no clean water to drink after almost 5 years, a total disgrace...
This is a crude medical joke...
and sent Trump into a Twitter rage after his daily breakfast of...
and you wonder how the rest of the Republican Party can support him...
As usual, Randy Rainbow tackles the Wall Issue best...
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And finally, Samuel L. Jackson is always good for a laugh...
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???"
The doctor says, "It’s ok, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what’s that?"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the ...er... features ... of a both a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"
Next Update on
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
From Readers Update 2
The wife may like this one...
And lastly, I hope you did not break your New Year's Resolutions as fast as this lady did...
Jokes From Shaf helps you look at your monthly budget...
Lots of roster building for the new Packer coach and the Brewers, who are only a month away from Spring Training. Who would think that visions of championships are in the Brewers sights and rebuilding and an ominous future for the Pack. And the Bucks keep on rolling, maybe they
really are for real and will not tease us with another first round playoff loss.
Sick bay reports that The Waiter and Platinum Tarks are off the DL List and getting back to full
activity, although another surgery for Platinum Tarks in a month on his ailing hip. Man alive, he sure has had his fill of doctors these past few years.
Hawaii vacations for Chivalrous Ken and The Sniper, leaving the rest of us to deal with the cold here in the Badger State. Congrats to TMJay on getting his son to return to Milwaukee after college graduation, now employed at Baird.
And what else is going on this past week? Let's check it out as The Chairman gives you...
More startling medical news...
What do you expect when these are their priorities...
Oh well, they can always drink vodka instead...
Jokes From Shaf
Trump's Foreign Policy is a mess, as a week after he said we had defeated ISIS...
And the Russia probe continues to tighten the noose on his collusion with Russia...
Amazing news from The Czar of The Cigar about an encounter with Jennifer Aniston...
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