In Business News, why have some appliance companies started putting the internet on your refrigerator?...
And Apple always has a new operating system upgrade that comes out just after they come out with a new phone...
with the touching words...
And in a town where Hollywood marriages never last, Kirk Douglas, at age 101, and wife Ann Bydens, age 99, celebrated 64 years of marriage...
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They’d spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette’s not a friendly nice game."
The African leader smiled. "That’s why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you’ll have to play. I’ll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently , nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.
This gained Clinton’s immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?"
The African leader said "One of them is a cannibal."
Speaking of Entertainment, there is always some new game to be on in Las Vegas, and this year you could put money on...
and some not so Cool...
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes. We had many entertaining times in Vegas last week, and this one from gives us an idea of entertaining times to come...
and let's hope we...
Sad to say, but our government is a bunch of monkeys, just like our President...
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.
"Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."
And finally, too busy to have a dog? Maybe the wife would appreciate another type of pet...
While no Badger fan likes Michigan, Jim Harbaugh has brought that antipathy to a new level...
In the NFL, the Packers have a BYE week, so that all Packer fans can rest and recharge...
Always takes a while to get the hang of a new car...
An oldie, but one of my favorites...Ed Zachary Disease...
The debate over appointing Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court continues...
Never heard of African Roulette?...
With a Republican President and majority in Congress, I doubt that he will be rejected. The
Republicans in Congress are missing an essential piece of their anatomy...
Hurricane Florence relief efforts are in full swing...
Finally, they get what's coming to them...
as supplies of food and water are stretched...
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the hypnotist.
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch", said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
"SHIT" exclaimed Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and obviously, Claude was never invited there again.
While the rest of the NFL tries to figure out the new policy on sacking the quarterback...
No Update would be complete without one from ...
A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.
"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."
So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.
"Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."
A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.
"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."
In other News, Bill Cosby was sentenced to jail for sexual assault...
And two companies that maybe need to rethink their advertising campaigns are MillerCoors...
and Nike...
Three people die – a doctor, a school teacher and the CEO of a large health insurance company. When met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, he asks the doctor, ‘What did you do in your life?’
The Doctor replied, ‘I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free.’ St. Peter told the Doctor, ‘You may go in.’
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did. She replied, ‘I taught educationally challenged children.’ St. Peter then told her ‘You may go in.’
At last, he asked the third man, ‘What did you do?’ The man hung his head and replied, ‘I ran a large health insurance company.’ To which St. Peter replied, ‘You may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.
October 9, 2018
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.
"Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse"
Glad to be be back updating Jokes from Shaf.
Next week a Trump in The Movies Update and some new categories on Jokes.
Have a great week until then.
And if he is not selected, Trump has a second choice ready to go...
I think that The Don will be off to IKEA to buy a trophy case to put this in, as it is the first trophy he has ever won.
So with Vegas in the rear view mirror, let's get to what else is going on in the world in the past two weeks...
In Entertainment News, this is the 40th Anniversary of the movie, "Grease"...
Back from a great time in Las Vegas with the Vegas Boys for Vegas 26. Some highlights were the Moody Blues show, The Don going onstage with Platinum Tarks at the Opium Show at
The Cosmopolitan, an amazing tour of the dispensary at Planet 13, which many of us have invested in and will open next month, the virtual reality Star Wars Experience, Packer game at Jackson's Bar and Grill, and a ton of laughs and fun at the Honigmanless Cocktail Hour. The Wynn was a very nice place to stay, although for The Chairman, my luck gambling in Vegas resembles the Titanic. The Sniper, The Waiter and Platinum Tarks were on the plus side of the ledger, and everyone was a winner with all the fun we had with great buddies. And hopefully we will all stay healthy and be able to return again next year for the 27th straight year. Quite a feat to keep it going each and every year, but we all love the time we spend together.
One tradition we have had over the past few years is the football pool which all the Vegas Boys participate in. Most of us study the teams, the injury list, past records and more to come up with intelligent picks. One of us, The Don, knows nothing about football and picks the winner on the basis of which city has the better symphony, or picks all teams on the right side of the list. Surprisingly, last year he came in the money in second place, and the term,
"Below The Don" was coined to refer to those poor souls who could not even pick games better than he did. To celebrate his accomplishment, Big Al gave him a trophy...
I wonder if he will meet up with disgraced Subway spokesman, Jared?...
A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow disease.
Herself: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?
Seamus stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull rides that cow once a year?
The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease"?
Seamus: Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?
The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
The Farmer: I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn't you get mad yourself?
A Quickie that is quite funny...
And speaking of women...
I never thought we needed the Electoral College, but maybe I was a bit hasty...
In College Football, the Badgers hope to keep it going against DicDoc's alma mater, the evil boys in maize and blue from...
Next Update on
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Trump In The Movies
Jokes From Shaf
Finally, the reason for Mad Cow Disease explained...
Communication in marriage is so important...
Amazon really needs to read their product reviews before they are published...
Not saying he is compensating for anything...but...
Lady goes to buy a pet. In the store, she sees a frog in a rosewood box and asks for the price.
"This frog is worth $4000, madam."
"WHAT? Why is it so expensive?"
"Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus."
"I see... I'll take it."
So she takes the frog home, showers, puts on a silk gown, perfume, and opens the box on the bed. The frog doesn't perform; she calls the shop. I'll be right over, says the shop owner. Moments later, the shop owner sees the problem, and tells the frog, "ALL RIGHT NOW, look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you!
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Coffee shop (hey, it could happen!) discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well, it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality, he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"
We saw a lot of Cool Things in Vegas,
I am sure that like me, you were surprised this week to get a Presidential Alert on your phone. Supposedly this is to alert you about disasters, nuclear attacks and more, but what came up on my phone were these alerts...
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