Jokes From Shaf
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The investigations of Trump continue to swirl. He says that there is no way he could be impeached, as he has done so much in the first two years in office...
Only make that mistake once...
Now you will understand...
More good stuff next week...
Well, that's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next week with an Airplane Announcement Update.
Have a great week until then.
Definitions For Parents
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman, who has gone through labor, to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the brink of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're angry with him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
Now that is true love!...
The joys of aging...
To lead off, a look at the recent criminal conspiracies that are swirling around the White House, from our favorite correspondent, Randy Rainbow...
Well, no one can say the Packers sat on their ass in the off season. Maybe the D-line guys they got will not be Reggie White and Sean Jones reincarnated, maybe they will look like the Smith Brothers from the cough drop packages, but they were not going anywhere with what they had.
I like the pick ups and look for another edge rusher, safety, and O-line guy in the Draft in a month.
And the Bucks were dealt a tough blow with the injury to Brogdon. While he is the least touted member of the starting 5, he is the glue guy who can hit the 3 and take it to the paint. This is a big loss, hopefully he will be back before the Playoffs. And in the Big Dance, it may be a one and done for my Badgers unless their guards can hit a 3 and Happ can make a free throw. Will be a much different style of play next year.
And for a change, nothing to report in Sick Bay, other than the continued progress of Chivalrous Ken's lovely wife. Wish her the best, her attitude is unbelievable, and this will surely help.
And what else is new this week? Let head over to the newsroom and look at...
And the latest superhero movie, "Captain Marvel", came out this week...
Very clever communication...
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."
Last week was International Women's Day, and President Trump found a way to show his support of the event...
Many people who had the Bibles signed did not keep them, rather they put them up on EBay
to turn a profit...
Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!
And in a related immigration story, a women who went to Syria to join ISIS wants to return to the US and have us pay for her therapy...
Many feel different...
March 19, 2019
______________________________ __
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
______________________________ __
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________ _
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
______________________________ __
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
President Trump was seen signing Bibles this past week...
Bernie Sanders is in the race for President, but it will be difficult, as he does not have a big a
war chest as Trump...
Finally, a sad bit of news that DicDoc should know about, under the heading of "Be Careful
What You Wish For"...
I am sure that Trump would oppose this, but you never know what he is thinking...and who is
pulling the strings...
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". Yes, I know it's the six thirty and
not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin
from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only
one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
Some QUICKIES about work...
All parents should know these terms...
Second, the idea of him signing a Bible...
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''
In Hollywood News, Margot Robbie (on left) met her doppelganger, Jamie Pressly (on right)...
Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
Keith sighs and says, "Oh shit, it's started."
Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me," he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked anxiously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on, if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"
The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
Oldie but goodie...
Few things are odd about this. First, if you carefully look at his signature, it seems to to look just like a KKK rally...
Trump continues to speak on the need for the Border Wall to keep out illegal immigration...
as is this...
That's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf
Next Tuesday, a Travel Update
Have a great week until then.
Oh, and by the way, I hope you did not miss the most important
holiday of the year last week...
Next Update on
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Travel Update
The Republican Party is creating its platform for 2020...
Another Hollywood celeb, Jussie Smollett, was accused of staging his own mugging...
And finally, you should know that there are some things that you just can not bring into
a theater...
And it isn't the first time he made a habit of autographing something controversial...
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to our best
source, with a look at the annoying habit of talking on you cell in
public...
There is less than 1 month until Income Taxes need to be paid...
That's how the fight started, from ...
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