Jokes From Shaf
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July 1, 2025
Update 1198
Next Update
July 8, 2025
DID YOU KNOW THEY
WERE ON SNL
PART 1 UPDATE
Might be a good idea if you are worried about passing the test...
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbucks one day.
The Greek guy says “We invented sex!”
The Italian nods slowly, thinks, and replies, “That is true—but it was Italians who introduced it to women!”Upvote243Downvote
A ceasefire is not in effect. Was it Trump who accomplished it? Grudgingly, I would say yes...
A good-looking man walks into a Hollywood agents office and said.”I want to be a movie star”
The agent asked, “What’s your name?”
The guy said, “ My name is Penis Van Lesbian.”
The agent said. I hate to tell you, but to get into Hollywood you will need to change your name.”
“I will not change my Name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old.”
The agent said, “I have worked in Hollywood for years…You will never go far in this town with a name like Penis Van Lesbian!”
You need to change your name, or I will not represent you.
“So be it” and the guy left the agents office.
Five years later the agent opens an envelope and inside is a letter and a check for $50,000.
He reads the letter:
Dear Sir
Five years ago, I came to your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood.
You told me I need to change my name to make it in Hollywood.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said and decided you were right. I needed to change my name.
I had to much pride to return to your office and signed with a different agent.
I wouldn’t have made it without the name change, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
DICK VAN DYKE
A newlywed couple had just finished having sex one evening in their home. Both happy, the woman told her husband she would be right back and went to the bathroom to freshen up while he sat on the end of the bed.
A few minutes passed, and the man wondered why his wife was taking so long since he didn't hear the shower running, so he decided to go and investigate. He knocked on the bathroom door and asked her, "Everything OK in there?"
"No," she replied.
He opened the door to find his wife on the toilet, still naked. He asked her what the problem was.
"I'm stuck," she said, on the verge of tears.
"Dammit," he said to her, "I repaired this seat an hour ago, the epoxy glue is still a bit tacky."
It wasn't her fault; he'd forgotten to mention it to her earlier, so he calmly explained how he had fixed the cracked toilet seat in the meantime and was going to replace it with a new one first thing the next morning. He advised her to hang on as he went back into the bedroom, put on a pair of boxers, and called 911. He returned to the bathroom after that, and assured her help was on the way, telling her he loved her and it would be OK soon.
Half an hour later, as the EMT arrived, the husband let them in, and told them to wait a sec.
He poked his head through the slightly open bathroom door, telling his wife, "They're here to help you honey, don't worry."
"Wait," she said, "In case they're men, shouldn't I have something to cover up with?"
Hesitating for a moment, her husband grabbed a cowboy hat from the shelf above the toilet, and handed it to her.
"Here, put this over your um, private part."
The paramedics went to the bathroom, and saw the anxious woman, stuck to the toilet.
"Can you help her?" asked the husband.
"We can save your wife sir," one of them said to him, "But the cowboy under the hat's a goner."
Well, the decision was made and Trump bombed the nuclear sites in Iran before the two week time limit had been reached...
The Greeks always get these kind of jokes...
I think this one is about Big Al as well...
I guess she summed it up best...
Nothing but jokes today...
In other Trump Cabinet News about immigration, health and education...
And we are not really sure that the nuclear program has been "obliterated" yet...
Trump went to the NATO summit to crow about his achievement and get NATO members to pay up for their defense. Who should he see there?...
So with all the News covered, here is the lead off joke from a guy who always can appreciate a happy pair, ...
A groaner, for sure...
And finally, a picture so apt for our times, from a sewage truck...
again, with one for The Sultan of Silicone...
QUICKIES that will make you groan...
And lastly, in Celebrity News, Amazon owner, Jeff Bezos, got married in Venice. The celebrity guest list included META CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, who had a problem keeping his eyes off the brides boobs...
Be careful with your diagnosis...
Meanwhile in the US, public opposition to Trump and his policies continues to grow...
Must be some of The Sultan's handiwork...
The musical director of an orchestra became so annoyed with his lead cellist for playing too fast that he smashed him over the head with the instrument, causing fatal injuries. At his subsequent trial, he was found guilty of murder and sentenced to the electric chair.
As a last meal, he asked for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly ate. The guards then sat him down, plugged him and sent a million volts through his body but when the smoke cleared, he was still sitting there, alive and well. Checking through the statutes, the governor concluded that he had no choice but to release him.
He returned to his job with the orchestra but soon fell out with the lead violinist for not keeping time. After smashing the instrument, he garrotted the violinist with one of the strings. Once again he was found guilty of murder and sentenced to die in the electric chair.
At the prison he again asked for a bunch of green bananas as a final meal. After devouring them, he was placed in the chair and zapped with two million volts, but when the smoke cleared he was still perfectly healthy. The governor had no option other than to release him.
Back with the orchestra, he had a huge row with the trombonist for coming in at the wrong place. He was so angry that he rammed the instrument’s slide up the trombonist’s butt, causing fatal injuries. Found guilty of murder, he was once more sentenced to death.
As a final meal he again asked for a bunch of green bananas and after wolfing them down, he was seated in the electric chair. Three million volts surged through his body but when the smoke cleared, he remained perfectly healthy.
The executioner was in despair. “How do you keep managing to cheat death in the electric chair?” he asked the musical director. “What’s your secret? Is it the green bananas?”
“No,” he replied. “I’m just a lousy conductor.”
When I woke up this morning, my wife was cooking breakfast in nothing but a T-shirt...
When she saw me, she said she needed me to have sex with her right now.
I was surprised but happy to oblige.
After I asked what that was all about.
She said, "the timer broke and there was a minute left on the eggs."
Bob walks into the men's bathroom at work and sees Phil, from Sales masturbating in the corner......
Before Bob can even say a word, the Boss walks in and yells: "Phil....What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
"Hey Boss... It's just Physical Therapy my Dr. prescribed....gotta move my hand up and down while using my grip twice a day no matter where. Here, I even have a note from my Dr."
The Boss looks at the note and grumbles.... "Ok Phil... carry on I guess."
Bob is amazed that Phil isn't fired, and sure enough, a week later he's is in the Men's bathroom, furiously masturbating in the corner when the Boss walks in.
"Bob! What in the hell do you think you're doing?!?"
"It's ok Boss, I also have a note from my Dr..." Bob says while handing him a note. Suddenly the Boss proceeds to start taking off his pants and Bob asks: "W,what are you doing Boss?"
Boss replies "Well, I guess we're jerking each other off, cause your note says "Group Therapy"
The Iranians are certainly weakened, but they still have the ability to disrupt the world's oil supply...
While in office, Trump continues to pad his bank account...
While his base stays steadfastly in his corner...
That wraps up another Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next week, a DID YOU KNOW THEY WERE ON SNL-PART 1 UPDATE.
Have a great week until then.
A forty-year-old women went to her plastic surgeon for a face lift.
The doctor told her about a new procedure called “The Knob.”
Where a small knob is placed on top of her head that can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a new face lift.
The women thought that sounded like a great idea and decided to proceed with the knob.
Over the course of the next several years the women tightened the knob whenever she felt she needed a facelift.
The effects were wonderful, and the women remained young looking and vibrant.
However, after almost twenty years and countless knob turning had passed, the women returned to the surgeon with two problems.
The women explained to her surgeon “all these years everything has been working great. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and always loved the results.
But now I’ve developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The Doctor examined her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
The lady replied, “Oh, I see. I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee then.”
Here are a few quickies...
Lots of rain this week, but a few nice days here as well. Took advantage of them to catch the new Brewer phenom, Jacob Misiorowski beat Pirates ace, Paul Skenes, on Wednesday afternoon. Miz
was in command with a 102 mph fastball that must have hurt the catcher's hand like hell to catch. The Brew Crew is on quite a tear, with refound offense and pitching galore. We will see if it keeps up, but The Miz looks like the real deal.
Also went to the Cedarburg Strawberry Festival on Saturday. Beautiful day to spend outside indulging in some strawberry shortcake and seeing all the crap they had for sale...and of course I brought some home as well.
Murphy The Dog has been ailing with kennel cough. Seems like she has something stuck in her throat, especially at night. Just when we were ready to take her to the vet, it resolved, as the internet said it usually would. She is perkier and looking better now.
At poker on Thursday, a most unusual hand. Playing "5 and 5". with 2 Kings, a Queen and 2 nines face up, the betting was going wild. Turns out one hand had Kings full (and lost), one hand had 2 nines hidden (for 4 nines, and lost), and one person had three Queens hidden (for four Queens) and took the pot. Never count your chips before the betting is done.
And what else has been going on this past week? Let's take a look...
I guess we will see if the bombing accomplished the objective, but one thing we know is that nobody is talking about Trump's other domestic issues right now...
And I don't think this wife would appreciate this gift...
Be careful with those doctor notes...
A doctor had a row with his wife over breakfast and his parting shots before going to the surgery was "and you’re no good in bed."
After an hour or so at work he thought he had better call her to apologise , but could get no reply. When he he arrived home, he asked her where she’d been as he couldn’t contact her.
She replied "I was in bed getting a second opinion."
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic homophobic terrorist leader?
He got rid of all of the IED programs
and...
The easy part of curing erectile dysfunction is diet and exercise.
The hard part of curing erectile dysfunction is convincing your wife to diet and exercise.
plus...
Hey, did you hear Taco Bell changed their menu?
They're now offering an incontinental breakfast.
and one more to make you groan...
Why should all military personnel wear uniforms?
To minimize casual tees.
Probably have heard this one before...
July 1, 2025
An old man goes into the social security office and fills out an application to get his Social security check.
Unfortunately, he has lost his birth certificate. The clerk asked him if he can prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows off all his gray hair on his chest which the clerk accepts as proof.
He goes home to his wife, and shows her the check, and explains to her what happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants and see if you can get disability!”
But do I have any confidence in his intelligence to make the right decision in a crisis?...
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