When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening. By that time more towns folk came to the grave to hear the strange sounds.
“There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.”
Trump's attorney has had his files seized by the Special Prosecutor, causing Trump to bring out a new model of his classic hat...
And on the same subject...
and a woman saving her family. Let's see what she must have thought...Rush the gunman and take his gun, NO...Fake faint and draw his attention, NO...Call the police, NO...Wait, I got it...
This is a groaner...
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing me a marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called,’Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 80 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper - so I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!
Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – “Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'
I am fed up.
What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you …”
The wife won't think this is funny...
and there is some thought that President Trump's personal phone may be seized as well...
And lastly, two stories that you probably did not catch in your local paper. First, one involving Hollywood superstar, George Clooney saving a puppy...
A Quickie that is an Oldie But Goodie...
And finally, if you are looking at some classes to audit this semester, consider these...
Now that makes more sense to me...
3 Guys are standing around talking about how big their cocks are. Finally, the first guy says "alright, lets settle this. We'll all go to the top of the empire state building, and whoever's is hanging the lowest, wins."
The other guys agree and proceed to the empire state building. The first guy stands next to the edge and unzips his fly. It drops all the way down to the 57th floor. Second guy steps up, his drops clear down to the 32nd floor. They look over at the third guy and he's next to the edge sort of dancing around. "What the hell are you doing man!!??" asks the second guy.
"Dodging traffic" he says.
Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.
It was the pair on the ground!
And speaking of Jesus, here is a version of hide the Easter Eggs that people of any religion would love to play...
The other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemen's Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over.
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
Now that is well endowed...
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.
“Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!”
The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
In Sports News, the NBA Playoffs are in full swing, and if Lebronn has this mark, can he really lose...
Pope Francis is a great Pope, but even he gets it on Jokes From Shaf...
With all the snow, no grilling outside yet, but when we do...
So with the News covered, on to Jokes, with a bunch of short ones from a guy with a short one, our
best jokester, ...
Hopefully, only one more Update until The Sniper and I, with our wives, head out for a trip to Japan and Shanghai. I say hopefully as Beautiful Bonnie's brother did not get great news with his
abdominal surgery last week, and the prognosis is not great. Bonnie will be headed down to South Florida to see him this week and help arrange hospice care. Very sad. We still plan to go, unless
he takes a big downward turn. On the one hand, you wish him more time, but on the other, you hate to have him suffer if the time is not pleasant. Decisions that are not in our hands. Kind of takes some of the joy out of a trip that we were so looking forward to for the last year. We shall see.
And it seems like 65th birthdays are not very lucky for our Minnesota pal, Platinum Tarks. You remember that he spent his 65th in the hospital with abdominal surgery, well for his wife's 65th
birthday he was back in the hospital again, after falling down the stairs prior to her birthday celebration. Can't even blame it on too much to drink, as he does not anymore, just being a klutz.
Fortunately, only bruised ribs and pelvis, but nothing broken. Sore and embarrassed that her big
day was a big dud. Oh well, some things are not meant to be.
And what else is new this week? Let us check out the...
With Trump always in the news, an intrepid fashion designer has brought out a new swimsuit for the summer...
A man’s wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours, applying the “miracle” products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and asked, “Darling, honestly now, what age would you say I am?”
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, “Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you’re so sweet!” gushed the wife.
“Well, hang on,” he replied, “I’m not finished adding it up yet.”
And also in Washington, President Trump launched an attack against Syria to stop them from using chemical weapons...
I think I remember one of the Vegas Boys doing this on the Darkside a few years ago...
The big news the past few weeks is that Facebook head, Mark Zuckerberg, was called to testify before Congress about the use of personal data by his company. The Internet had a field day with it...
The Midwest got slammed with snow last week, with Platinum Tarks getting almost 2 feet in Minneapolis...
Jokes From Shaf
A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
So that is all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf
Only one Update until I head off on a great vacation, and that is a Japan Update next week.
Have a great week until then.
Some help from The Chairman for those of you with little kids...
It seems that all this is just politics as usual in Washington these days...
New Evening Class For Men
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.
1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
2. Toilet paper: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.
3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.
4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink or dishwasher? Debate among panel of experts.
5. Loss of Virility: Losing the remote control to your significant other. Help line and support groups.
6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is NOT harmful to your health. PowerPoint presentation.
8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
10. Living with Adults: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.
11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
12. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.
13. Getting Over It. Learning to live with being wrong all the time. Individual counselors available.
This is funny...
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