And the Republicans in Congress have taken the pledge to support Trump as well, going back on all the negative comments they made about him in the past...

More QUICKIES that will make you groan..

giving up all pretense to what a moral Christian should do to help those in need...

The big news in politics this week is the Republican Party ousting Liz Chaney for her insistence that the election was not stolen. Despite voting the Trump agenda more than almost any GOP member, the failure to kiss the Trump ring will lead to her removal from any Republican leadership position...

Another quickie...

So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to a guy who always could help mother's regain that youthful edge,                                                                                                     ...

When it comes to defeating Covid, there is still resistance from Trump's base to the very measures that will get us out of this mess...

As Trump reasserts his control over the GOP, he is aided by his minions at FOX NEWS at every step...

​Touching baby picture...    

And who is held up as the spokesmen for the GOP at this time, it's Dumb and Dumber...

Trump's other flunky, Rudy Giuliani, is also now coming under governmental scrutiny...

A bunch from                                                                               ...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.

Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

And finally, with the weather warming up, and many of you salivating to play golf, here is one from                                                                                 ...

And speaking of sex...

America is in trouble these days, untrusting and divided...

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Mike."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

What's wrong with you Mike, you're a veterinarian.

More on politics...

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half.


The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.”


As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”


The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”


The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”.


“Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota,” asked the manager.


The boy replied, “They’re all just hookers and hockey players up there.”


“My wife is from Minnesota!”


The boy replied, “Oh Really! What team did she play for?”

I got asked out by 15 different women today

Oops, wrong restroom...

and take no responsibility when their divisive rhetoric causes people to commit violence...

The Republican Party is no longer a party of low taxes and limited government. If so, Liz Chaney would still have a leadership position, as she never voted outside these parameters. No, today's

GOP is only a party that the most important rule is to pledge allegiance to Donald Trump and continue to spout the BIG LIE of the stolen election. Facts no longer matter...

Also this week, Bill and Melinda Gates announced their divorce...

Apparently, Melinda Gates did not have a very good prenup, so Bill gets most of the money, making him feel so very sad...NOT!!!...

                   May  11, 2021

They lambast those in the media who attempt to censor Trump's lies and malicious talk...

This sure explains politics...

Hope all of you who are still fortunate enough to have your mother around treated her to a special day. For the rest of us, we remember our mothers fondly and are thankful for our wives who have

brought the joy of family to us. For those few of us who have lost their wives, it is a tough day to 

get through, but the love of your children will help steer you through it. It is amazing how special days of such joy can become such days of sadness when loss occurs. Just goes to show you that you must appreciate each day, each year, as one never can tell what the future may bring.


And speaking of not knowing what the future will bring, what the fuck is going on with Aaron Rodgers? Is this a power play for more money? Does he want Gutty out? Is he really so insecure to

compete with a rookie QB? The Chairman predicts that many Benjamins will be thrown his way,

the appropriate parties will say their "Mea Culpas" and kneel to kiss Rodger's Superbowl ring, and he will be back in Green Bay for 3 more years. While I think this whole thing sucks, there is no doubt that the Packers are a better team with him behind center, and the thought of the Bears having a better QB under center is too terrible to ponder. We will see in the weeks ahead.


Here is an irony of all ironies. Who is the first person in my family to get back to Vegas as the pandemic abates? Not The Chairman, as you might expect. No, it is my granddaughter, Talia!!!

Why you might ask? She was there this weekend for a cheerleading competition. Only 8 years old and she is getting to see the bright lights of The Strip and enjoy the hustle and bustle of the 

MGM Resort before The Vegas Boys return in September. Lucky girl, her Poppy should be there

to show her the sights. She might be a bit young to partake in a premium cigar and adult beverage

however.


And for The Chairman, the work career is coming to a close, as it is less than 3 weeks until I retire.

Have gotten some very nice notes  from long time patients and that certainly makes one feel good about a 39 year career. While the transition will be scary at times, I am looking forward to many new doors opening and exciting times to come.


And what else is going on this past week? Let's check it out...

And when Bill thinks of all the hot ladies who will be attracted to his "mind", he is just so...

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.


The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"


The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!”

Nobody said criminals were smart...or perceptive...

and May 5th, Cinco de Mayo, a celebration of Mexican independence...

An invisible man married an invisible woman.
Their kids were nothing to look at either.



I didn’t think the chiropractor could improve my posture…but I stand corrected.


I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night.  She called me a cheap-skate.



Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.  It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.



My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.


Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16.  So the difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.


My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.I found out she was seeing someone on the side.



I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.




What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.



It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

 


So that's all for this week's edition of Jokes From Shaf.

Next week, a CORONAVIRUS  UPDATE.

Have a great week until then.

With all the billionaire divorces, I guess if I was Mark Zuckerberg, I would be a bit nervous...

Perhaps a new logo is needed to more accurately describe the GOP these days...

I heard Bill and Melinda Gates are ending their 27-year-old marriage.

Have they tried turning it off and back on?


This is the worst thing a doctor can do...

A bunch from                                                                                ...

The Religious Right has signed on to this...

and don't forget about one of the Seven Dwarfs, Sleepy Ted Cruz...

Maybe instead of cajoling them to get vaccinated, we need to try a negative reinforcement technique and penalize them for not getting a shot...

Jokes From Shaf is a cooperative humor website. We take the best of reader submissions to go along with the best humor our staff (me) finds and publishes updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.


Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email: 

jokes@jokesfromshaf.com

and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf. 


Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.



May  11,  2021


Update 1045



Next Update-

May  18, 2021 


Coronavirus  Update         

​                 


This past week saw two landmark days, first, May 4, Star Wars Day...


This one is funny and topical for this week...

I went up to my dad and said, "Dad, can I ask you a question? It's for a school project."

My dad said, "For sure son, what's the question?"

I said, "Dad, what is politics?"

My dad said, "Well, let's use our home as an example. I make the money, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom administers and controls the money, so let's call her the Working Class. Your mom and I take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the People. And we can call the maid the Working Class. And your little brother, let's call him the future. Do you understand, son?"

I said, "I don't know Dad. I guess I'll have to think about it."

Later that night, I wake up to my little brother crying. I go to his crib and see that he's soiled his diaper. I go to wake my mom up, but she's fast asleep. I go to the maid's room and peek in the keyhole, and I see my dad in bed with the maid. I knock a few times, but I'm completely ignored, so I go back to bed.

The next morning I go to my dad and say, "Dad, I think I understand politics now." My dad says, "That's great. Can you explain it to me in your own words?" I said, "Sure. While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is fast asleep, the People are being ignored, and the future is full of shit!"

Jokes From Shaf

On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”

The husband replies, “I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.” The woman then asks, “What do think of me now?” The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, “I think I did a pretty good job.”

 

A man goes to the doctor and complains, that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him anymore.

The next day, the doctor calls her in to hear her story. She explains: You know, our car was stolen 7 months ago. My husband cannot afford a new one, so I need to take the taxi every day. But as I don’t have any money, the taxi driver always asks: “So are you going to pay today finally or what?“ So I must “or what”. Because of that, I am constantly late for work, my boss catches me as I come in and asks: “So, are we going to write it to your file or what?” So, I must “or what”.

Then I must take the taxi back home and the taxi driver again asks: “So are you going to pay today, or what?” And so, I must “or what” again. You can understand that I always come home very tired and with no mood for sex.

The doctor nods: “I see, I see… so… are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

 



The school phoned me today and said, “Your sons has been telling lies.” I said

“Tell him, he’s bloody good. I don’t have any kids.”

 



Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

 



 
Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens. It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it…

…to make hens meet.

 

 

I told my friend that I got fired for downloading porn at work and causing everything to crash.

“That’s a bit harsh!!” he said.

“They don’t fuck around at Air Traffic Control ” I replied.

 



A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”

The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”