One from my "brother from another mother", ...
Always room for one from ...
In other National News, President Trump's good friend, Jeffery Epstein, was arrested for child
sex trafficking...
The pride that the women's team has given to young women is evident by the adoration that young girls show for the players...
Always an adventure when The Chairman travels. First, as we were packing up the car to head to NYC to visit MBArry, the airline texts me and says the flight is cancelled. Rebooked for a 6am flight on Friday, meant we got up at 3am. Then on Saturday in The Big Apple was in Times Square when there was a power failure and all shows were cancelled. Well, at least I was not trapped in an elevator like many people. Finally, when I got home on Sunday night, got trapped for an hour on the freeway home behind a truck that caught fire and closed the freeway. Unbelievable!!!
But was great to see MBArry, who is loving his job that he has this summer.
One thing that was interesting in NYC was the Nike store in Soho which as done up as a Greek
restaurant to honor Milwaukee's own, The Greek Freak. His shoe was debuting as were the new
Nike Freak shirts. Boy has he come a long way since he was selling pencils on the streets in Athens to earn a buck. Hope he stays.
And what else is going on? Let us see...
Are you?...
And if you think our National Priorities are in order, pause to consider this...
Seems like the President got the idea for the parade by watching other authoritarian leaders
who do it to project military might...Putin, Xi Jinping, and his hearttrob, Kim...
A man died and went to heaven. as he stood in front of St Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "what are those clocks?" St Peter answered, "those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh." Said the man. "Who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Theresa's," replied St Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible!" Said the man.
"That clock over there is Abraham Lincoln's," St Peter continued. "The hands have moved twice, so he only ever told two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?" The man asked. "His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A women with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying.
A man walks up to her and says “What’s wrong?” She replies “I’ve never been hugged before.” The man looks around and gives her a hug.
The next day he encounters the same woman, crying again on the beach. He asks her again, “What’s wrong now?” She says” I’ve never been kissed before.” So the man kisses her.
The next day he encounters the same women and she is now crying even more.
He says “What’s wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed.” This time she replies “Yea, but I’ve never been fucked before.”
The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her “Well, you’re fucked now!
I guess the Straw Man had more sense than he was given credit for...
And with his thin skin, you know this will be true...
That's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next Tuesday, a Condom Ads Update.
Have a great week until then.
July Fourth was the day of the Trump parade to salute America in Washington. While many (like me) thought it was a total waste of money, that if you wanted to celebrate the military, could have been spent on providing help to Veterans in need, the President thought otherwise. Check out the Pics of The Day to see his "airport" snafu, but for coverage of the rest of the parade...
Hope this does not happen at DicDoc's office...
Don't thinks the wives will get this one...
A Darkside joke...
Trump had little good to speak of the team, as the team presses for equal pay with the poorer producing mens team and with an openly lesbian woman as the star...
July 16, 2019
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
A few quickies...
One about Trump's favorite pal...
I wonder if The Waiter knows this Chinese place...
An Arab joke for a change...
The Old Man and the Beaver
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
QUICKIES for those with a scientific mind...
And straws continue to be the focus of Environmental News...
where his main supporter, Sean Hannity, seems to have a different view of relations with North Korea for Trump than he had for Obama...
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
In Business News, a new company is marketing a really dumb product, contact lens jewelry...
This one isn't even a joke...
Pays to be helpful around the house ...
A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on yout head?"
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
Son asks " what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"
Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face and body during a sandstorm" .
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in Chicago and still wearing all this shit?
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link
Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
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Went for a prostate exam.
I asked the doctor where should I put my pants and underwear, he replied, "over there, next to mine"
Surprised he did not tout his two new books for kids...
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to my traveling buddy, ...
Be careful what you ask for...
And finally, an eye doctor joke...
and a summer treat that you can find in the frozen food section of your nearest grocery store called The 45th Presidential Dreamsicle...
New weight loss plan...
Trump is trying to run on his record as a "job creator"...
The President is also using his business skill to market some new products in his image, like the newest addition to the Crayola line...
Their response to Trump...
Jokes From Shaf
And lastly, the US women's soccer team won their second World Cup in a row...
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:
Agent: age?
Putin: 66
Agent: occupation?
Putin: not this time, just visiting.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was,
“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
If light travels faster than the speed of sound
How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
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