Ain't this the truth...
This one comes from DicDoc's neck of the woods...
Curling is a sport that is big in Wisconsin, and after watching the Olympics, these GIs found a way to set up their own curling competition...
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go some- where quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Today the Packers lost, but at least I got laid.
Most of the men are watching America's women's hockey team, which was featured in the ESPN Body issue...
who I am sure you would love to be in the penalty box with...
A good quickie...
And one more from our Little buddy...
He invited the World Champion Eagles to the White House but was rejected...
In Science News, Elon Musk successfully launched a massive missile into orbit containing one of his Tesla cars...
Always room for Little Johnny on the Jokes Page...
And while we have not seen any sign of North Korean ruler, Kim Jong-Un, his sister has been in attendance, and there is thought that she has been so corrupted by Western ways that she will be starring in a reality TV show next fall...
And speaking of purity...
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi- syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?"
After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Little Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables." she says.
Not wanting to be outdone, Little Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Little Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow,Little Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am. Your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
That's all for this weeks Update of Jokes From Shaf
Next week, a Name Pranks Update.
Have a great week until then.
Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow
Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed.
The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained, then the teacher asked, "Little Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Johnny replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong!"
The North and South Koreans joined for many events, but there has been a bit of controversy over their bobsled...
In National News, the political pundits are still debating President Trumps performance during
the State of The Union address...
So with all the News covered, here is a good one from the Jokemaster ...
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.
This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated. He told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?
He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
This guy must be a gameshow fan...
and the player spotlighted in that issue was Hillary Knight...
Medical Humor, and a disease I bet you never heard about before...
But if you look at it closely, it certainly resembles...
I bet you do...
This is really a tasteless one...
Trump still has his loyal supporters out there...
For the fashion conscious, most of the Olympic uniforms are a bit dull. Except for the Mexican
The world's eyes are on South Korea as the Olympics are in full swing. The opening ceremony was
epic, with drones, fireworks and an amazing lighting of the Olympic Torch...
In Medical News, the flu epidemic is still running rampant. Be sure that you have gotten your flu shot to stay protected...
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse inmsado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
Everyone is captivated by the skating events, but if you look at the commentators they are using,
doesn't it seem like you are watching one of the Hunger Games movies?...
And finally, some Redneck wisdom...
And finally, a Valentine that we left out last week on the Valentine's Update...
but most of us feel that what comes out of his mouth is just...
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed one evening, and he asks, Honey, do you want to have sex tonight?
No, she replies.
Is that your final answer?
Yes, that's my final answer, she insists.
The husband thinks carefully for a moment, then asks, May I phone a friend?
In Entertainment News, Harvey Weinstein is now being sued by the State of New York to collect
damages for the women he wronged. To raise money for his defense, his PR firm has authorized the sale of a new Harvey Weinstein doll, which is flying off retail shelves...
In other Sports News, baseballs spring camps open this week for pitchers and catchers and optimism reigns supreme for every team...
Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Because it's hand made.
Be sure this does not happen to you...
Some things that will make you scratch your head...
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
And while the torch lighting was cool, it was nowhere as amazing as this torch lighting...
Men vs. Women...
Jokes From Shaf
First, a belated congrats to Mick The Irishman on the engagement of his daughter, Marni, to her
fiance, Max. Poor Mick will have 2 weddings to pay for in 2 years, I guess the ante in the poker game
will go up to $100 a hand. I am sure he does not mind spending money on wonderfully joyous events like the marriages of his precious girls.
And second, a speedy recovery to Vegas Boy, The Don. As if it were not enough to deal with a tough
type of leukemia, finally find a drug that works for you, only to have side effects eliminate it as a
life saving therapy, he now is hospitalized with acute appendicitis. Any surgery is more risky for him, with his compromised immune status, but we all wish him well and a speedy recovery. He also has a wedding of a step-daughter this summer to look forward to, as well as Vegas 26.
And heard from The Czar of The Cigar in sunny Florida. He has a smile on his face and 75 lbs less weight on his body. Feeling great and loving the sun in the Sunshine State. Look forward to seeing him
back in our town in 5 weeks.
And what else is going on in the world this week? Let's see...
Little Johnny trifecta...
Jokes From Shaf is a cooperative humor website. We take the best of reader submissionsto go along with the best humor our staff (me) finds and publishes
updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
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and his popularity in the rest of the world has rubbed off on how Americans are treated when they travel abroad...