Oldie but goodie...
ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Customer: Pardon me, but are these vegetables genetically modified?
Clerk: No, sir. Why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?
In the NFL, a lot of strange things happened last week, starting with the Packers defeating Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Bucs...
Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis, who was recently in the news for shipping immigrants up North...
Always important to save money in these times...
5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
when she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
when she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
Shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift..
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,
'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the
love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't
got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?'
replied the bull. they're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and
fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Some help getting that special holiday gift this year...
Always good to get customer feedback...
The Badgers hope they have gotten back on track as they face a team they have always had trouble beating on the road...
Eliminating the barrier between church and state is the new Boebert rallying cry...
And lastly, the voice of Darth Vader has signed with Disney to allow his iconic voice to be artificially generated by a voice cloning software called Respeecher. This will allow him to continue to voice the character long after his death. Bruce Willis, who now has aphasia, has also done a similar thing...
Funny stuff about your sex life...
A 5 Minute Management Course, from ...
And finally, a scene at the grocery store...
October 4, 2022
You know you do this every time you leave the house...
What a week of disasters! Thankfully, Sarasota resident, The Czar of The Cigar, escaped disaster from Hurricane Ian, but when Mista Tobey and I went to the Illinois-Wisconsin game on Saturday it was a...
All the things Wisconsin football was-strong offensive line, powerful running game and tough defense,
Illinois was on that day. Wisconsin looked out coached, out toughed and totally lost. All around me in the stands people were clamoring for Paul Chryst's head, but never in my wildest dreams did I think he would be fired one day later. Maybe it is a message that being a middle of the road Big Ten team is not good enough. Will get many people's wish to see Jim Leonard as coach, and he will have the rest of the season to state his case. I think he is probably a good choice, however if you really want to be the best,
there is one name out there who could possibly do it, a guy who probably would not take the job, and that is Urban Meyer. I think he would only go to an SEC school, but as always, money and power talk.
To continue the disaster, the Brewers threw away games against the Marlins and bounced out of the playoffs. Look for a significant roster turnover next year, as we don't need to continue to spend 8 figures for .240 hitters.
And an almost disaster was the Packer-Patriot game. Got to hand it to Bill Belichick for his game plan to shorten the game and not put too much pressure on his 3rd string QB. The Pack were fortunate to get a win in a game they were double digit favorites.
The Sniper and Luscious Lori had to deal with a mother in the hospital this past weekend. She seems better and is headed for a two week stint in rehab to hopefully get her strength back.
And congrats to Chivalrous Ken on his purchase of a condo on the water at Whitman Place. Will be a great spot for him, he knows so many people there and it is walking distance to The Chairman and
Beautiful Bonnie's place.
And speaking of us, we will be headed to NYC to visit MBArry and Andrew after the holidays are over.
Should be fun-seeing a show, some good food, and a lot of people watching.
And what else has been going on this past week? Let's take a look at...
Groaner QUICKIES that will make you shake your head...
With Ginni Thomas holding on to her stolen election lunacy, she was called to testify before 9/11 Committee. This called in question the impartiality of the Supreme Court...
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"
The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes."
The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?"
The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods.
Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?"
The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?"
The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."
And hopefully The Pack will keep it going against a team that has beaten them in the playoffs at Lambeau...
So with all the NEWS covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to a guy who you might not expect to give you a liberal point of view joke, ...
In Baseball News, the Brewers failure this year has been the inability to hit with men in scoring position.
The Chairman has it on good authority, that a new hitting coach will be named in the off season...
In the weekly look at the looney fringe of the GOP, Lauren Boebert leads off. Allegations have come out that she was a paid escort before her election to Congress. Pretty good prep to join Congress, if you ask me...
Donald Trump remains in the news with all the legal challenges he is a part of...
And more zaniness from the rest of the league...
is reversing his opposition to federal hurricane aid that he stated with Hurricane Sandy in New York a few years ago, and is begging for federal funds for his state is the current disaster...
Will his children continue to support his untenable position?...
And in Wisconsin, we are SO tired of the Ron Johnson and his attack ads. Someone finally is doing something about it...
A bunch from ...
The Chairman feels it is...
The blowback from the Supreme Court abortion decision may have big effects on the November mid term elections...
That's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next Tuesday, an ADAM SANDLER SNL CHARACTER UPDATE
Have a great week until then.
And speaking of the joker to the right, Marjorie Taylor Greene's husband is filing for divorce, as she was caught in a number of extramarital affairs...
After years of regular meetings at a local bar, one of a trio of friends stunned his companions by announcing that he was really a woman trapped in a man’s body and had finally decided to have a sex-change operation.
Months later, she reappeared at the old haunt and greeted her friends. Both men congratulated on her new appearance and began questioning her about the most painful part of the grueling operation.
“Lopping off your dick must have been the worst part,” one said, wincing.
“Uhm…” she pondered, “Not really!”
“Cutting off your balls, then,” decided the other.
“Nope,” she said. “That was bad, but not the worst.”
“What could be worse than that?”
“Getting my salary cut in half.”
I am sure there will be no lack of right wing suitors lining up for her...
In a football related story, if you wondered how the University of Texas got it's logo, a Vegas Boy that we have not heard from in 5 years tells us...
Big NEWS this week was Hurricane Ian in Florida. Thankfully, The Czar of The Cigar, with a home in Sarasota, escaped with minimal damage, but others were not so lucky, as damage was severe...
And her husband has equal qualifications to be a part of the Washington scene...
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"You fuckers", he says, with anger and sadness in his eyes, "the word was celebrate!"
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is priceless.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors and Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
1. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.
2. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
3. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.
4. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world's best short joke:
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
October 4, 2022
Update 1095
Next Update-
October 11, 2022
ADAM SANDLER SNL CHARARCTERS UPDATE
Some definitions, from ...
I hired a transgender prostitute
I had never been to a brothel before, so the first thing I did was talk to several prostitutes to compare prices.
One was much cheaper than the rest, and I asked her why.
"I'm giving a discount right now because I'm basically relearning to have sex. I was assigned male at birth and just completed reassignment surgery. I'm looking for feedback on my performance."
I decided to give her a chance. I paid her, and we had amazing sex.
She asked me to fill out a questionnaire before I left. I picked one up from the table and read the question "Were you satisfied with your trans action?"
Jokes From Shaf
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