In other Business News, technology is really amazing. Consider this chalkboard as an example...
Some QUICKIES that look for that common thread...
Finally, with Covid still a problem, a test that you can do at home...
In Entertainment News, singer Drake had a new child...well, maybe he did...
One day, a moth goes to a pediatrician’s office
The doc asks: “What’s the problem?”
“What’s the problem? Oh boy where do I even begin… I wake up every day and I go to work for Gregory Allinovich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore, I don’t think even Gregory Allinovich knows, he just knows he has power over me, and that brings him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up every day, I walk here I walk there”
The doc says: “Oh yeah?”
The moth says: “Yes, y’know, at night I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed, laying on my arm, a lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to, my youngest, Alexandria, she fell in the cold of last year, the cold took her down as it did many of us… And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow doc, my other boy, Gregaro, I no longer love him, as much as it pains me to say, when I look at his eyes all I see is the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own self in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to the cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me. And then this hellish facade could be over. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging onto my web with an everlasting fire beneath me. In short, I’m not feeling good.”
The doc says: “Moth, you’re in trouble, but you should be seeing a psychiatrist, not a pediatrician, what on earth brought you here?”
The moth says: “Well you see, the light was on.”
This woman went through a bad break up. She grieved over her lost relationship, but eventually got better and decided it was time to have some fun again. She went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.
Seeing the beautiful woman, the cowboy offered her a drink and they started talking. After a while, the woman built up some confidence and asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is. Why don’t you come home with me and let me prove it to you?”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”
“Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
His head ain't right!! He needs an operation!!...
And Trump's "Mini-Me", Ron DeSantis, is nipping at his heels with crazy ideas. His "election police", that only answer to him, trying to stick it to Disney for attacking his anti-gay rhetoric, and most recently, his
gerrymandering of the Florida election districts. His ideas were so racist that even a judge he appointed said it was too much...
This one is cute, if you get it...
Here is a great invention that all men appreciate...
All in the name of religion...
Many of those who favor abortion were violently opposed to the government mandating vaccines to save lives, saying that the government had no business telling you what you could do with your own body. Now, quite the double standard...
The Republican Party is still in the grasp of Donald Trump. He plays "Kingmaker", supporting those who kiss his ring and denouncing any who question his policies or conduct...
So on that up note, let's get to Today's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to a good pal I have know all my life who is sending more jokes lately, ...
On the same subject...
What do these people think about the Democrats?...
Sometimes the little lady can not decide where to go out to eat...
What's the difference between comedy and prosititution?
Comedy is where you pay someone so you can laugh at their jokes.
Prosititution is where you pay someone not to laugh at yours.
Home covid test
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
This has set off protests at the homes of some of the justices...
A bunch of jokes for senior citizens, from ...
And Past President Donald Trump actually said...
If I told you it was a Polish pianist, you probably would know what is coming in this joke...
A Norm MacDonald classic joke...
Or even simpler...
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
“How much do you charge”?
"Eighty dollars per visit", he replied.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the shrink met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new “Land Cruiser.”
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”
TALK TO A BARTENDER, IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
May 17, 2022
One from a guy with big shoes to fill, ...
ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage
BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through
AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do
COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money
HEROES
What a man in a boat does
PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower
PARADOX
Two physicians
PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm
RELIEF
What trees do in the spring
RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife
SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does
SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official
Speaking of ways to improve your memory...
The way that the Justices Trump appointed lied about what they would do on the abortion issue when they were being questioned in Congress has shaken people's faith in the Supreme Court...
Mother's Day was last weekend, a time for all of us to salute the important women in our lives. Every year, the President gives a quick tweet/quote to set the tone for the nation. Joe Biden said...
"Happy Mother’s Day,@FLOTUS
. You’re the love of my life and the life of my love. You bring me joy and laughter every day, and I’m so grateful for everything you do for our family."
Past President Obama said...
Bad week for The Chairman this past week. On May 7, had a ton of floaters and to no great surprise, had 3 retinal tears in my left eye, which were lasered on May 9. It was just about a year ago that I had the same thing on my right eye. Hopefully the laser will take and my retinal won't detach and all will be well. Man, the old body is falling apart...kidney stone, kidney cyst (?), and torn retinas in each eye. Not the way I wanted to slide into my 70's.
And the Bucks fell to a better team in the playoffs. Without Middleton and nobody that could hit a 3, they were totally outgunned by the Celtics. It was a hard fought series, but the Celtics showed real grit winning game 6 in Milwaukee with their backs to the wall and then closing it out in Boston. We will see if the series took too much out of them when they go up against Miami. For the Bucks, there will be changes. Doubt if we will see George Hill anymore, Pat and Bobbie may leave for more money. They need better outside shooting to take some of the pressure off Giannis. Will be tough with so much money going to their "Big 3".
In sick bay, The Cap'n is getting over Covid. Despite getting all his shots, he still contracted the virus, but
taking the new antiviral medicine, Paxlovid, he bounced back fast and had mild symptoms. Let's hope that we can avoid getting the plague as well.
And this week is Beautiful Bonnie's big dinner at the Seminary. She has really been doing a ton of work to pull it together and has no one really to help her. The event will be a wonderful night and a fitting end to her career there, as she retires at the end of June.
And lastly, found another growth on our sweetie, Murphy The Dog. She will be having some tests to see what it is, and I am hopeful that we can prolong her life without subjecting her to painful treatments that will not materially extend her time with us. We will know more later this week I hope.
And what else is going on? Let's take a look at all the News...
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
And while we are on the subject of mothers, the Supreme Court is coming under fire for their potential ruling to overturn Roe vs. Wade...
I think he was more inappropriate than these kids were...
The Chairman sees another couple of ways to avoid this governmental incursion into women's rights...
Those who support him ignore his crazy ideas, like sending missiles into Mexico to strike the cartels, or sending captured Russian MIGs into China to attack them, or thinking that the Chinese are attacking us in this way...
Want a perfect marriage? Let our pal help you out...
Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
Spineless Ted Cruz has latched onto these protests, calling them "worse than what happened at the
Capital on Jan. 6"...
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
May 17, 2022
Update 1087
Next Update-
May 24, 2022
TALENTED KIDS UPDATE
And lastly, with all the bad news, with all the examples of people who do not care for anyone but themselves, here are a couple of stories that make you remember that everyone is not like that, that there are still many good people out there...
Politics made simple...
Jokes From Shaf
Inflation is out of control
That's just my $5 bucks.
In Business News, inflation is still a huge problem, although time and again, we see corporations reporting record earnings, while still saying there is no price gouging going on...
Crazy definitions from ...
So that is all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next week with a TALENTED KIDS UPDATE
Have a great week until then.
His supporters truly are...
Because if you think that the far right will be stopping with legislating abortions, think again. It is just the start of removing rights from the gay community, from legislating sex between consenting adults, and remaking America into the white run country of the 1950s. Think I am nuts? It is already starting...
A man walks into a bar.
He sits at the counter and orders a whiskey, neat. As soon as the barman pours his drink, a monkey appears out of nowhere, climbs on the counter and dips his balls into the glass of whiskey. The man sits there, bewildered, as the monkey storms out of the bar. A few seconds later, he asks the barman:
"What the heck was that ? Do you know that monkey ?"
The barman answers: "Never seen that before. You might want to ask the pianist, he's here every day. He might know what's going on."
The man promptly goes and ask the pianist : "Hey uh... I know it sounds crazy but, do you know by any chance that monkey that dips his balls into my glass of whiskey?"
The pianist stops, then say: "Perhaps I do, what's the melody like ?"
Politics in terms of cows
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you if you don't give them up.
MILITARY DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and shoots you anyway even though you didn't refuse.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both of them, accidentally kills one and spills the milk in the sewer.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell the milk but eventually your farm gets bought out.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to decide who gets the milk.
ANARCHY: Your neighbours killed your cows and you have nothing
FEUDALISM: Some young lord kills your cows for target practice and the nobility threaten to kill you if you retaliate.
DEPOTISM: The supreme leader decides to take your cows for himself, as well as your wife.
ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: Cows have taken over the world, you and your family must hide from them or you will be killed on site.
Do you know the difference?...
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