A new and easy test for the horror of Covid 19 is being touted for Seniors like us and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent shot of your favorite liquor into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.
Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.
I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.
I'll keep you posted.
Which Trump was riveted to in attention to every detail...
A woman has 3 daughters
Each of the daughters got married and one day, the woman wanted to test each of her son in laws. On the first day, she brought her first son in law to a river and jumped in.
Seeing this, the son in law jumps in to save her. The next day, he receives a car with a note: “Mummy loves you!”
The next day, she brought her second son in law to the same river and jumped in. Like the first son in law, he jumped in and saved her.
The next day, he too receives a car with a note: “ Mummy loves you!”
On the third day, she brings her last son in law to the river and jumps in. However, unlike the first two son in laws, he does not save her and lets her drown.
The next day, he received a branded sports car with a note: “Daddy loves you!”
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.............
She never got your email!
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter , and supply a new definition. The winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post also published its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Trump proposes a ban on internet pornography to strengthen Christian family values...
Matt Gaetz showed off his new Botox inspired look on national TV...
Another Russian joke...
Meanwhile, despite improvements in inflation, the stock market and the economy, the Democrats are locked in a no win battle to see who their nominee should be...
Control what is presented in the media to not expose children to points of view that are not in keeping with their conservative agenda...
More Russian humor...
An Irish joke from ...
Three men are sitting in a cell in the bowels of the Lubyanka prison in Moscow and as usual the conversation turns to what they are in for.
The first man says: « I was late for work by 5 minutes and was accused of sabotaging the revolution »
The second man is astonished. « I was early to work by 5 minutes and was accused of being a spy »
Naturally, the two of them look at the third prisoner and say simultaneously: « So what are YOU in for? »
The third man looks at the two of them warily. « I got to work exactly on time and was accused of owning a western watch
July 23, 2024
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $80.00, which seemed awfully cheap.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a House of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new Madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Big Al."
With Trump elected, you know who will be pulling the strings for policies in Washington...
Leftover Covid joke...
Trump's legal team lurked in the background...
And one final one from our jokes host this week, a way to see if you have Covid...
Marital bliss, as described by ...
If you have a few minutes, take a listen to Jon Stewart on "The Daily Show" talking about the convention and the shooting...
What did the RNC have as a vision for America? Certainly no gun control, even with Trump almost killed
by an AR-15...
They say abortion will be a state issue, but a national ban is what most want...
Fixated on Russian jokes today...
Let's hope we come to our senses before November, so we don't end up with this in the White House...
Now that he is the VP candidate, his background is getting much more examined, and one thing that has stood out was his admission from his book, "Hillbilly Elegy", that he had sex with a rubber glove stuck between the cushions of his couch...
Trump survived with a grazing wound to his ear, but there were those innocent people in the crowd who did not...
The big news of the last week was the attempted assassination of Donald Trump, certainly not the finest hour of the Secret Service...
So with all the News covered, it is another "All Big Al Jokefest", with all jokes from our best source for humor. Here is the first one from to improve your vocabulary ...
Republicans who were critical of Trump during the primaries, pledged allegiance to policies and personalities they thought so little of months before...
The business of the convention was to adopt a party platform for how they will govern America should they win...
It is a dumb joke, but you will laugh...
His supporters at the convention wasted no time in showing their love for their savior by wearing ear
bandages in support...
All the Republican hopefully paraded to the podium to bend the knee to Donald Trump. They gave up truth to kiss the ring of the MAGA King...
A man walks into a job interview...
He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.
"So son, where did you receive your education?"
The man replied "Yale".
The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"
The man replied "Yack Yackson".
The Olympics are coming up soon...
Man goes to the Lada dealership in Moscow to buy a car. The salesman says he can collect it in two years' time.
"Will that be two years in the morning or the afternoon?"
"Why on earth is that important?" replies the salesman.
"Well, the plumber's coming in the morning."
South Dakota governor, Kristi Noem, spoke and was looking for that bulldog that Jim Justice brought...
The Secret Service though did a better job of foiling another attempted assassination at the RNC...
Maybe people with tiny dicks and tiny hands (ah, guess who I am thinking about) could use this product available from DicDoc...
It seems that America is not alone in having sexual predators in power...
Some QUICKIES about sperm that will make you squirm...
And as to turning down the hateful rhetoric, that did not last long...
And the idea that because Trump was a businessman, the economy will flourish, guess again...
The Soviet Union had a terrible alcoholism problem. To combat it, Putin restricted vodka sales. Consequently, the lines to buy vodka were very long. One day, after waiting for hours, one man yelled "I can't take this anymore! I'm going to the Kremlin to kill Putin!"
He left, but was back shortly after, looking dejected. Everyone asked, "Well, did you kill him?"
"Are you kidding?" said the man. "The line for that was longer than this one!"
And it made for great drama when he appeared for his coronation at the Republican Convention, a man changed by his brush with death, ear bandaged, confident as ever...and unchanged as ever...
They propose cutting environmental regulations, eliminating EPA and other watchdog bureaus and staffing government jobs with loyalists...
is up again...
If you are a member of the LGBTQ community, you rights are on the line as well...
Biden's luke warm support pales in comparison to the zeal of Trump supporters...
One our Russian expert, The Waiter, will like...
Soviet shopping
A man walks into a shop.
He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”
The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”
So that's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next week, a LARRY DAVID UPDATE.
Have a great week until then.
And keep those jokes coming in.
And the other piece of business was to pick a running mate, and Trump chose an critic turned rapid MAGA supporter, J. D. Vance...
but it was ironic that when the RNC was in town, the gay men's dating app, Grindr, had record traffic in Milwaukee...
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jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
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July 23, 2024
Update 1162
Next Update
July 30, 2024
LARRY DAVID UPDATE
Again, the political events of the weekend come too late to be included with this weeks NEWS, so there will be more on Biden withdrawing from the race next week. From The Chairman's point of view, it was the only way to have any chance to defeat Trump. Biden deserves credit for putting the Country before himself. More on this next week.
In Sick Bay is Mista Tobey's daughter, who underwent gall bladder surgery. She is on her way to recovery, but still a bit miserable. Mista Tobey and Cheryl are putting her up at their home and providing dog sitting and nursing duties on a 24 hour a day fashion. Hope for a return to her home later this week.
Next week Beautiful Bonnie heads to California to pick up our granddaughter and bring her back to Milwaukee for a week visit. Really looking forward to it, we don't get the kids as often as we would like and it will be special to have just one to dote on.
Speaking of Milwaukee, things are getting back to normal, as the RNC has gone home. Seemed like things went well, other than killing a homeless person. Milwaukee got some good press in the national news and maybe that will increase tourism and other conventions. Let's hope so.
And what else is going on? Let's take a look...
Jokes From Shaf
A toleit brush review seen on Amazon...
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