Adam goes into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll ya have, fella?"
Adam says, "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."
Barkeep fills the order, hands it to Adam, who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."
Barkeep leans over the counter, motions to Adam, looks left & right, and whispers, "Friend, I know this ain't none of my business, but you know, I used to stutter a whole lot. But my wife found the cure. You interested?"
"Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sure!" says Adam. Barkeep looks again, left & right.
"My wife heard about this cure: she performed all kinds of magical, passionate, kinky sex on me and with me and I was cured right then and there."
Adam thanks the bartender, tips him generously, and leaves. A week later Adam comes back into the bar.
"What'll it be tonight, Friend?" asks the barkeep.
Adam: "Yes, my good man, would you please mix for me one of your stupendous Scotch and Sodas, please?"
Barkeep: "Sure thing, Friend, and your speech is incredible. Glad to see you got rid of your stuttering."
Adam: "Thank you, kind sir. And may I say that you have a very nice house."
One from a guy who really has become a great source for jokes in retirement, our expert in the art
of plastic surgery, ...
Funny golf joke...
Well, that's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next Tuesday, a WTF Update
Have a great week until then and stay safe and healthy.
A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try …Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn’t want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available.
A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed.
He says, “Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend.” The woman was confused.
“What makes you think you’re gonna be better than my last 3?” She inquired.
“Well,” he began. “I have no arms, so I won’t abuse you. I have no legs, so I won’t abandon or run away from you.”
“But how are you in bed?” She asked. And his response was,
“Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
One from an expert in knowing what a woman wants, ...
Another example of Trump not listening to science and the medical experts...
No Vegas, no edibles...
While even some Republicans are saying (a bit late) that masks are a good idea, The President refuses to urge all American's to wear one, saying it infringes on their personal liberty...
Tiger
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband,
“I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous, and handsome. I can understand that.”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
“I’m hungry. I’m calling room service.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
“What are you doing now?” she asks.
“I’m still hungry, so I’m going to ring room service for some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks,
“Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger W0ods to find out what’s par for this hole!”
In Sports, the NFL is coming back, and one wonders what will happen when the National Anthem is played before games...
A woman was golfing and got stung by a bee.
She was severely allergic to bee stings so she went to the doctor right away.
She said “doc, I was on the course when I got stung”.
The doctor asked her where she got stung, and she told him, between the first and second hole.
The doctor replied, “ it sounds like your stance is too wide”.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
With the opening up of America, the cases of Coronavirus are soaring, especially in the South and the West...
Ponder this one...
One that is funny and you might have heard before...
None of us are traveling, but here is a funny travel joke if we were...
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
If your Doctor spoke like Trump
So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.
But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the Wuhan, or WuHAAN—that’s a city in China. Many people don’t know that. But the moment I heard about this Chinese flu, I ordered a test. And it’s an amazing test. We do better testing than anywhere in the world. Some say the Germans have the best tests, but they don’t. Our tests are even better.
So you’re positive for Corona. And usually “positive” is a positive word—it’s a very good word, frankly. Everybody thinks it’s good, apart from what you hear on the news—which is fake. It’s largely fake. But in medicine, “positive” is not so good. So it’s very confusing. And I’ve always been very clear about that. Some say “positive” is always good, but I’ve never agreed with that.
So you’re positive for the Corona. But you’ll be fine. Totally fine. You might think you’re going to die—and everybody does die, eventually. But you’ll be fine. You feel fine, right? You won’t need a ventilator. There are no ventilators—but you won’t need one.
How old are you, 55? You won’t need one. Some people need a ventilator, and they’re amazing machines. Did you know the first ventilator was made by Henry Ford? It’s an incredible piece of equipment. But you’ll be fine.
The virus gets into your lungs, which is where you breathe. But you have two of them. Some say you have a spare. Some people only have one lung. It’s true. But I don’t talk about spares. I always want both. Given a choice, I want two lungs.
So I’ve asked nurse—what’s your name, Nancy?—I’ve asked nurse Nancy to keep you comfortable. And Nancy is one of our finest nurses. I mean, just look at her. Incredible, right? Nancy, you’re really incredible. You’re not afraid of Corona, are you, the Chinese Plague? I didn’t think so. Nancy will bring you whatever you need. And if you start coughing, do that into your elbow, so you don’t make a mess. Okay, you’re doing great. I’ll see you later.
Trump is already trying to try and limit the access of Blacks to voting in November, by limiting voting by mail and decreasing polling places in minority areas...
Had a great Fourth of July weekend as MBArry came home for a week. Unfortunately, not much to do other than eat, take walks and consume adult beverages, but it was great to have him home for a short time. He will spend a month in Chicago before starting his new job back in New York...hopefully.
And some sad news. After 27 straight years of The Vegas Boys going to Vegas every fall, the
Coronavirus has delivered us a KO for 2020. Yes, Vegas 28 set for September has been cancelled. While we will miss the gambling, the shows, the great food, what we will miss most is the great times laughing in the Baccarat Bar with a cigar and a drink. I guess DicDoc had it right though when he said, "If the only thing we lose is Vegas for 1 year with the Coronavirus, we are all pretty lucky." Let's hope that things will be better and we can head back in 2021.
Still no nibbles on The Chairman's home which is for sale. Most likely we will move in the next month whether or not it is sold. Never thought it would take so long or that the prices would be so depressed for a nice home. Oh well, timing is everything.
And what else is going on in the News this past week? Let's check it out...
Not all are supportive of the demonstrations...
Another death of a young black man at the hands of the police has continued to fuel the Black Lives Matter protests, with many joining their ranks...
The solutions for racism are difficult and many have been tried. Leave it to a kid to come up with a novel idea to combat the problem...
July 7, 2020
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to our pal from
Minnesota, ...
Can the Country survive the plagues of Coronavirus and Trump? Let's hope it is not the end...
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him.
She asks, ”Would you like some food?”
The Scot hoarsely croaks, ”Och, lassie, I havna’ ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!”
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis.
When he has choked it down, she asks, ”Would you like something to drink?”
”Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!”
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.
The Scotsman is beginning to think that he’s in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, ”Would you like to play around?”
”Och, lassie, don’t tell me ye’ve got a golf course here too!”
and Trump has done nothing to stem the tide, other than saying that we have "headed off the virus".
It seems that the Russian Bounty issue has thrown another obstacle in his path...
checks in with one...
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
July 7, 2020
Update 1005
Next Update- July 14, 2020
WTF Update
Trump falls back on the same ridiculous argument that the reason that cases are up is due to the vast increase in testing. All the medical people say this is not true and we are not doing as much testing as we should do, but if you use Trump's argument on other issues...
All the medical people continue to stress the importance of wearing masks, something that Trump has steadfastly recoiled from. Our favorite, RANDY RAINBOW, speaks about that...
This one is funny but true...
Jokes From Shaf
And if you think that is an overstatement, the Trump logo for 2020 bears an amazing likeness to another symbol from Germany that we went to war against...
And finally, do you have a dirty mind?...
In Business News, there is renewed talk to put Harriet Tubman on the currency and take slave owners off the current bills...
These QUICKIES will make you groan...
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
“Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Equally crude...
DicDoc will like this one...
Most of the colleges have finished their graduation ceremonies, most of which were held remotely on Zoom. Many found that just fine...
And lastly, here is another person who certainly made a deal with the Devil. Look at fashion model from the 70's, Iman, now at the age of 64...
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