A skinny guy gets into an elevator and there’s a massive American guy in the corner.
The guy looks over pensively and the man says: “Everyone always asks the same questions, I’m 7’2” tall, weigh 275 pounds, yes it’s massive. Turner Brown.” And extends his hand.
The skinny guy faints and the American catches him. When he comes round he sees the American towering over him and manages to stutter, “re-re-repeat what you said?”
So the American repeats: “Everyone always asks the same questions, I’m 7’2” tall, weigh 275 pounds, yes it’s massive. Turner Brown.”
The skinny guy relaxes and says “thank fuck. I thought you said turn around”
A bunch of quickies as we get to the end of the jokes...
others are not convinced...
Bill Cosby told me the funniest joke last night
If only I could remember it.
plus...
Did you hear about the new drink called "Karen"?
It's an aged, white wine.
a groaner...
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic
and one last one...
What's the similarity between a porn film and a horror film?
An unknown person knocks the door and everyone gets fucked!
I went to the doctors recently
He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
Vladimir Putin was visiting an elementary school in Russia.
After Putin explained to the kids how Russia is the most glorious and best nation in the world, he asked if any of the children had any questions.
Suddenly, Aleksandr put his hand up.
“Yes?” Putin said, as he pointed at Aleksandr.
“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union and why are trying to take Crimea?” Aleksandr asked.
“Well, the correct reason we are invading Ukraine is…” before Putin could finish his sentence, the bell rang, and all the children rushed out the classroom to have lunch. However, the children were also confused, as the bell wasn’t supposed to go this early. The lunch break seemed much longer than usual to many children.
When the bell rang again and the children got back into the classroom, Putin and the teacher were waiting there.
“Any more questions?” Putin asked.
Damien shot his hand up almost immediately.
“Yes, Damien?” Putin said, pointing at Damien.
“Well, I have four questions.” Damien said.
“Go ahead and ask them.” Putin replied.
“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union? Why do you want to take Crimea? Why did the bell for lunch ring 20 minutes early? And where is Aleksandr?”
The Chairman is dancing around getting hearing aids, here is one that might be avoided if he did...
I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Beverly, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure.
Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted. I leaned over my wife and with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'
April 23, 2024
Trump, of course, continues to cry "Injustice", "Witch hunt", and more...
His legal team has selected the jurors...
He has also done two other things that are noteworthy in a criminal case. First, he has spent much of the time sleeping in the courtroom...
Makes perfect sense to me...
Groaner QUICKIES...
You will laugh, even if it is stupid...
Oldie but goodie...
In true Trump fashion however, he has attempted to monetize these facts to sell products to the morons who support him...
Trump's antics in the courtroom have caused the judge to admonish him from making faces and trying to intimidate the jurors...
Good weekend for Wisconsin sports. The Brewers sweep the Cardinals in St. Louis, which almost never happens, and the Bucks play a stellar first half and hold on for a 1-0 lead against Indy without Giannis. It was certainly "Dame-time" for the first half, but as quickly as his radar shot came in the first half, it left in the second. Thankfully, Chris Middleton was able to lead in the second half to get the win. And while he didn't score much, Pat Beverly's hustle, defense, and fire was a big part in the victory. When the series started, I thought a split at home without GIannis would be OK, but now I am looking for another win to shake Indy's feeling that they have the Buck's number. I guess peeking at the score during the second seder my be OK.
Very proud of Rabbi Scott who was named the executive director of the St. Louis Jewish Community Relations Council (JCRC). It is a big job in a very active organization that helps give the Jewish viewpoint to the general community of the St. Louis area. Using the skills he had as a social justice organizer after graduation from Brandeis, his pulpit skills as a rabbi and the knowledge he has gained in a Washington program, he will help combat antisemitism and build bridges to the overall St. Louis community. It is a really important job in today's turbulent times and he will be really good at it. Congrats.s
And what else is going on this past week? Let's take a look...
One last one you might remember...
Finally, some words of wisdom to leave you with...
and their identities are cloaked, although some might be familiar to you...
I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 8 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant.
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that's humerus.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers; the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has only 16. Therefore, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" The leader replied. "That's not just any old lizard ... he's a stand-up chameleon."
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it.
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song, but the chick peas can only hummus one.
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court ....... it was a brief case.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.
My friend said she wouldn't eat a cow's tongue because it came out of a cow's mouth. So, I gave her an egg.
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King, but he made a great ruler.
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right ....... Jack and the beans talk.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works, … and then it struck me.
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. You guessed it ......... the steaks were pretty high.
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
You get what you pay for in life...
When Trump did hit the campaign trail, his rant on the battle at Gettysburg was something you might expect someone with dementia to utter...
A day after his election victory, President-elect Donald Trump met with President Obama in the Oval Office of the White House. After drinking several glasses of beer, he asked Obama if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, Trump told Melania, about the urinal. "Just think," he said," when I move in, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
Later, when Melania had lunch with Michelle Obama, she told Michelle how impressed Donny had been with his discovery of a gold urinal in the President's private bathroom.That evening, Barack and Michelle were getting ready for bed. Michelle turned to Barack and said, "Guess who peed in your saxophone?"
And lastly, in Economic News, it was a bad week for the stock market, as inflation tick upward. While things are better, prices remain high, but it is not as though the US was the only country dealing with this...
A Putin joke for this week...
And in Congress, the Mike Johnson led House is finally trying to pass aid to Ukraine, Israel and Taiwan, only to be held hostage by Marjorie Taylor Greene and the rest of her right wing cronies, as Fox News has finally realized...
and he spent much of his time in front of the crowd blaming others for his current state of affairs...
A cowboy is captured by a native war party.
As he is bound in the middle of the camp, the chief comes up to him and says "in this land, we grant prisoners of war three days before they are executed. Each day, the prisoner can make one request and we will decide if we honor the request or not. What is your first request?"
The cowboy thinks for a minute and asks to speak to his horse. The chief grants his request the cowboy whispers something into his horse's ear. The horse gallops off and returns a couple hours later with a beautiful blonde on its back.
The chief shakes his head muttering, 'white man.' He shows them to a teepee and leaves.
The next day the chief comes to the cowboy and asks "what is your second request?"
"I'd like to speak with my horse please."
And so, the horse is shown to the cowboy, who whispers into its ear. The horse leaves, only to return with a curvaceous brunette.
Again, the chief let's them use a teepee. "White man, can only think of one thing" he says.
The third day arrives. The chief asks "What is your final request?" The cowboy, visibly frustrated, demands to see his horse again. He grabs the horse's ear and whispers harshly into it "Now listen here you stupid animal!! Posse!! Posse!!"
So with all the NEWS covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to my weekly breakfast buddy, my partner of almost 40 years, ...
And the second thing, his incessant farting has made his attorneys and others nearby sick...
From a guy who would never make this mistake ...
Punny stuff from ...
Trump joke from ...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checkedmy seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. I then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
So that wraps up this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next week, a PASSOVER UPDATE.
Have a great week until then.
The big NEWS of the week was certainly Trump's trial...
Jokes From Shaf
A man sees his physician
“D-d-doc”, he says, “I’ve had th-th-th-this stutter s-since I was s-s-sixteen years old. And n-n-now it begins to b-b-bother me”.
The doctor says, “I think it has to do with the size of your penis. Tell me, how hung are you?” “W-w-well”, says the guy, “it’s ab-b-bout a f-f-foot and a h-half”.
The doc replies: “I can fix it for you, but I’ll have to cut off your penis entirely. It can be fixed today if you want.” The guy is ecstatic and lets his penis be removed and indeed his stutter disappears!
After a couple of weeks, the guy gets buyers remorse and goes back to see his doctor. “Doc, I’m having regrets so can we please undo the surgery?”
Doc answers back “S-s-sorry, n-no take r-r-redos"
Well....Mom said...
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jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
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Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
April 23, 2024
Update 1151
Next Update
April 30, 2024
PASSOVER UPDATE
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