Tomorrow starts a new era in the US, as Joe Biden replaces Donald Trump. One hopes that his promises to address the Covid crisis will be paramount in his first 100 days, as The Chairman feels that defeating the virus is the most important task he faces. And it will be tough. Trump has left a 

divided America, with millions believing his lies that he was robbed of an election victory, despite NO evidence to support his position. And many believe the lies...and many of them are angry...and many of them have guns. Trump has done little to cool the flames, he states that he "loves the demonstrators", and while he says no violence, he urges his supporters to take back the halls of government. Should he be impeached? Should he go to jail? Will it just divide us more? I am not sure

of the answers to these questions, but I am scared that an unhinged Trump will spend the next 4 years undercutting any good Biden might achieve and setting the stage for his return in 4 years. And don't think our allies are not aware of this. It will be hard to repair the broken relationships with our friends overseas if they see another 4 years of Trump on the horizon. Never thought I would spend so much time watching the news as I have this past year. Let's hope that cooler heads prevail and that we can go about the business of defeating an enemy we all can agree need to be squashed-Covid.


And speaking of squashing an enemy, how great would you feel to watch Tom Brady walk off the field in Green Bay with his head down low after the Pack beat him to get to the Super Bowl? This will be a tough game, but I am impressed by the Packer coaching staff's creativity in setting up a game plan. No more Mike McCarthy run 3 times, punt, and  then play prevent defense when you have a lead. LaFleur keeps his foot on the gas, which I like. Should be a great game.


And my Traveling Buddies, The Sniper and Lucious Lori, are once again off without on a trip without us, to Hawaii. Stay safe and hope you have a great time. I am jealous, but would be nervous to go, even having had my second Covid shot this week. Hope Beautiful Bonnie can get hers soon, she is a 1B on the basis of her teaching at the seminary.


And what else is going on this week? Let's check out this week's...

And Big Al will like this one, about different types of girls...

there was an attempt to lay blame on anyone but those involved...

So that is how you got that nickname...

A couple of punny QUICKIES that may give you a chuckle...

From a friendly guy,                                                                                     ...

In the aftermath, some things were striking, among them the lack of police preparedness for what they knew was going to be a large, angry crowd and the difference with how they responded to a largely white mob versus the way they responded to the mostly black protesters of the Black Lives Matter protests...

A young man is fired from his job after asking customers if they wanted “smoking or nonsmoking.”

He was fired because the correct terminology in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial.”



and...



My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.
Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.




one more...




Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if…
very fifth caller was a winner.





and one last one...




A 80 year old woman walks by her bathroom on fall evening, and sees her 80 year old husband. He has a can of spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions.

She stops and yells, “ You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.

50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes

Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.

IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.

NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account.

Choose a new password :

Gender reveal parties are the rage for newly pregnant couples...

So with all the NEWS covered, on to Today's Jokes, and you will never believe who gets the coveted lead off spot...someone who only sends a joke once a year...our expert foodie who sets 

the standards for great meals on the Vegas Trip, yes, it is                                                                                        ...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…


Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out.

She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

And did the architect of the rally, the one who said, "Follow me to the Capitol", bear any blame? None! He said his speech was "perfect" and he decried violence, even as he still refused to say that

Biden had won the election fair and square and said he loved those who stormed the Capitol...

In Sports News, the Pack took care of business against the Rams last week...

Little Johnny was in class when his teacher asks, "Johnny, there are five birds on a tree. You shoot one, how many are left."

"None, miss. The others will fly away!"

"The right answer is four, but i like the way you think."

Little Johnny goes quiet, and then raises his hand.

"Yes?"

"Miss, there are three ladies eating ice cones. One is sucking it, one is licking it and one is biting it. Which one is the married one?"

The teacher goes red, starts to sweat and nervously says, "The one that's licking it?"

Little Johnny smiles, "No, miss. The one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

In crowded Houston at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.


Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,  "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

Don't you hate it when they make you select a new password?...

The House voted to impeach Trump and criminal charges were initiated against many of the rioters...

and if any blame be taken, it went to that "pussy" Pence and Rudy Giuliani, who he has now thrown under the same bus that ran over Jeff Sessions, Bill Barr, Reince Priebus, Rex Tillerson and many more...

and now have one last hurdle to get to the Super Bowl, trying to beat these guys in the NFC Championship game in Green Bay on Sunday...

And lastly, an amazing HEADLINE that you will only get on Jokes From Shaf. You might need to read it twice and think about it for a moment...it can only happen at WalMart...

and as the footage was reviewed and arrests began...

And finally, one from Little Johnny...

                                                                       is retired, but he may get back to work for this one...               

All the NEWS OF THE WEEK revolves around the aftermath of the storming of the US Capitol by

followers of Donald Trump in their attempt to overturn the results of the Presidential election...

And speaking of Vegas Boys, DicDoc will get a kick out of this one...

But thankfully, they failed...

And what was the topic of Trump's media allies, like Sean Hannity, on the nights following the assault...

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant at a Soothing Approach Gynecology Center. Interested, he wants to learn more.


“Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.


The clerk pulls up a file and says, “The job entails helping ladies get ready for the gynecologist in a soothing and relaxing manner. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here.”


“Oh, is that where the job is?” the young man asks.


“No, sir. That’s where the end of the line is right now."

                  January  19, 2021

Biden's JEWISH SUPPORT TEAM


Trump lost the presidency and by doing so, he has (thank God) allowed


A JEWISH Senate majority leader (Schumer)
A JEWISH White House chief of staff (Klain)
A JEWISH Attorney General (Garland)
A JEWISH Secretary of State (Blinken)
A JEWISH Deputy Secretary of State (Sherman)
A  JEWISH Director of Homeland Security (Mayorkas)
A  JEWISH Federal Reserve Chairwoman (Yellen)
A  JEWISH Covid Coordinator (Zients)
A  JEWISH CDC Director (Walensky)
A  JEWISH Member of the Council of Economic Advisors (Bernstein)
A Vice-President whose husband and children are Jewish *

Remember that one of Joe Biden’s nicknames is “mensch”.

Remember that he has many Jewish relatives. Three of his kids married into Jewish families which means Biden is the grandfather of some pretty adorable Jewish kids.

Oy – such nachas !

You know all about Kamala Harris’s husband is Doug Emhoff.   He is the spouse of the first woman Vice-President and the first Jewish person to fill his roll. Now that we have a minyan There will be Davening in the Blue (and White) room at the White House every morning

We will see what happens in the Senate in days ahead.


And in other NEWS, possibly the most ridiculous fashion trend for men is now being seen around...

the Monkey Tail Beard...

Senior Parachute Club

Yesterday my daughter emailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.


"Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?” I asked.


Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.


She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.


So, I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an email saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
 
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."


"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up and prepaid for five jumps a week!"


The line went dead.
 
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier; but sometimes it can be fun.

And what have our closest neighbors to the North and South had to say?...

Two people having sex is called a twosome

Three people having sex is a threesome

Four is, a foursome.

That must be why my mom always called me handsome.

In Medical News, now that many have been vaccinated with the Covid Vaccine, an unusual side effect has come to light that you might want to be aware of...

The Republicans said that moving in the direction of impeachment was too quick...

I remember these pens, and it DID seem so cool when I had one...

Was there remorse from Trump on the death of a Capitol policeman?...

NO! There was no responsibility taken, and the only remorse was the loss of Twitter and the rest of his social media platform...

The nation was shaken by what this unruly group of Trump supporters had attempted to do to our

democracy...

and that the nation needed time to heal...

A bunch of  quickies from                                                                                                                      ...

But this was sedition, and America would not let Trump get away without penalty...

Well, that's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.

Next week, a GOODBYE DONALD UPDATE.

Have a great week and stay safe until then.

So this is what                                                                                 is doing in retirement...

Jokes From Shaf is a cooperative humor website. We take the best of reader submissionsto go along with the best humor our staff (me) finds and publishes 

updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.


Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email: 

jokes@jokesfromshaf.com

and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf. 


Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.



January  19,  2021


Update 1029



Next Update-

January  26, 2021

Goodbye  Donald  Update         

​                 


Too cold for golf, but not for a golf joke...

Jokes From Shaf

The Democrats were incensed about the attack and started impeachment proceedings against Trump. And what of the Republicans? Some, like Mitt Romney, Liz Chaney and Adam Kinzinger spoke out loudly and courageously, but the majority did not...