In Entertainment News, a Guy Fieri look alike appeared on Judge Mathis with a new definition of his hit show "Triple D"...
Just remember what Thanksgiving really means...
Q. Where was the toothbrush invented?
A. Mississippi. If it would've been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
The Packers hope to defeat their oldest rival, the resurgent...
And in Business News, the Christmas shopping season has begun, to the chagrin of many...
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry…. we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Always important to pick up the subtle signals women give...
Things you can say only at Thanksgiving
Ten things you can say ONLY at Thanksgiving
10. Talk about a huge breast!
9. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
8. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
7. That's one terrific spread!
6. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
4. Don't play with your meat.
3. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
2. How long will it take after you stick it in?
And the Number #1 thing you can only say on Thanksgiving....
1. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
And with Trump's popularity sinking, his base of NRA members and the Religious Right still support him...
A couple of funny QUICKIES about the women in your life...
And one for The Sniper...
Definitions of "OLD"
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
Lastly, with all the bad news we are subjected to, here is a story which demonstrates that there are
still some good people out there trying to make the world a better place...
However, maybe the recent fire at the White House indicates his veracity is in question...
Poor Stash can't get a date. His friend Bob says he's got a foolproof method to meet girls.
Bob tells Stash to put a potato into his bathing trunks and parade up and down the beach. Guaranteed to attract women, Bob says.
Next day Stash puts his potato in his trunks and parades up and down the beach all day. Still can't meet any women.
At the end of the day Stash walks up to Bob on the beach wondering what he did wrong. Bob takes one look and says, "Jeez, Stash, you're supposed to put the potato in the front!
Be sure you listen carefully when those in the know give advice...
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip. was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young women. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and make her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the refridgerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
Then, when she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked; "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
Sad news from the world of kid's TV...
And finally, here is one from a recent senior citizen about being old ...
Funny joke from the pizza delivery guy...
Trump continues to use immigration as a way to divide Americans, trying to create fear of those who
choose to come to America to create a better life, as most of our ancestors did years ago...
as a special expert was called in to expedite the process...
In World News, Australia has an idea that Americans would love. With your tax bill you get a report of what all of your tax dollars are spent for. Wouldn't that be nice to know?...
In Sports News, Dez Bryant signed with the Saints and was injured and out for the year after 2 practices...
Wear your awards proudly...
and on of Jokes favorite hotties, Kate Beckinsale, looked great at a recent Lakers game...
Another one about marital issues...
Maybe the idea that "Anyone Can Grow Up To Be President" has had its day, as this book indicates...
I am sure that economic sanctions are coming against France after their President, Emmanuel Macron, lambasted Trump in front of the whole world...
This division promotes racial strife and fuels hatred of other races...
Glad to see that is well enough to send us a joke...
In National News, President Trump tried to put on a good show celebrating the Republican
Party holding onto the Senate...
Tourism in Helsinki, Finland is low in the winter, so the city has tried a novel ad campaign to spur visitors...
In Entertainment News, the list of most searched for Pornstars of the past year was released...
However the Mississippi election is still in play, as Trump rushes to give speeches to support the
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updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link
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In other National News, the Florida recount finally is over...
Employment joke Platinum Tarks will like...
That's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next week with a Voting Update.
Have a great week until then.
The owner of a big furniture store went to New York to buy some stock and met a really beautiful girl in the hotel elevator. But she was French and they couldn't understand a word of each other's language. So he took out a pencil and notebook and drew a sketch of a taxi. She nodded her head and laughed and they went for a ride in the park.
Then he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner, he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to a night club and danced and had a lovely evening.
At length, she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded.
He's never been able to figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to my best
source, the ever dependable with a Thanksgiving leftover...
In other National News, California is set to enforce its ban on plastic straws. With marijuana now legal, it seems that this will become the new area drug kingpins are moving into...
A small zoo in Mississippi obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Carefully considering their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She’s gotta wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper readily agreed to this condition too.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper said "okay".
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want the kid raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.
Great time with all The Chairman's sons and all 4 grandchildren. It was fun spending time with them and having all the kids get to know their cousins better. But as Chivalrous Ken would say,
when The Chairman is involved, there is always something that goes wrong. On Thanksgiving Day, as we prepared dinner in the afternoon, water from the upstairs toilet began pouring out of a recessed light fixture in the kitchen. Cries of panic ensued, garbage cans were stationed under the light, and a frantic call ($) was placed ($) to a plumber ($) to come and save us ($). He came and was able to stop the monsoon, but then next day we were told that the ceiling would need to come down, pipes in the subfloor replaced and antibacterial treatments begun. Needless to say...can you float me a loan? We were able to salvage dinner and use the kitchen the rest of the weekend, now reconstruction begins. Oh well, what can you do?
On another front, the Vegas Boys seem to be a less hearty group these days, as The Waiter will
be going under the knife to fix his foot injury. A 12 week stint on the DL will follow, but his doctor feels he will regain his 4.4 speed in the 40 and be good as new. At least The Vegas Boys like Waiter and Tarks have their surgery in the offseason, so that they can go through spring training at Potawatomi to be ready for Vegas in the fall. We all hope for the best for The Waiter and wish him a speedy recovery.
And the biggest Joke of the Week was the awful performance of the Pack against the lowly Cardinals costing McCarthy his job. The only thing worse is if they consider Brett Bielema for the new coach...that would make me go over to the Darkside and become a VikQueens fan. What a season of unmet expectations, just like the Badgers, who are destined for the Pinstripe Bowl. Oh boy, but a fitting reward for a shitty season.
But your reward for being a loyal Jokes reader is a look at all the New from last week...
We all know that things are not so rosy between The Donald and Melania, but look at how she looks at him, vs. how she looks at Macron...