Always room for some quickies...
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple.
"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted."It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
And the Speaker of the House seems more concerned on which bathroom transgender Congress
member from Delaware, Sarah McBride, will use...
And one more joke for this week's Update...
Can't have an Update without a joke from ...
You will never forget which way to screw something in again...
Pet care is expensive...
but you know full well, that when something goes wrong, or if he feels that Musk is hogging the spotlight from Trump...
Man comes home from work carrying a duck under one arm and says "This is the pig I've been fuckin"
His wife says "that's a duck you fuckin idiot "
Husband replies "I was talkin to the duck..."
In Sports News, the Badgers face their arch rival at home to try and become bowl eligible...
Jokes that could have been told by Rodney Dangerfield...
The separation of Church and State, a bedrock of the creation of America, is now under attack in states with Republican majorities...
And I shudder to think of what vaccine denier, Robert F. Kennedy, will do to our health system...
November 26, 2024
A dead duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Trump is already getting ready to begin his mass deportation of illegal aliens in the US...
A bunch from ...
America may not be as we know it in four years...
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"
The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer."
The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.
Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this."
The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them."
Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true. A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."
The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
He won't "Fiddle while Rome Burns" like Nero, he will sell you a guitar...
Oldie but goodie from ...
Medicare Part G
You are an older senior citizen, and you can no longer take care of yourself and need Long Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do?
You may opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G for gun) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered! As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And who is paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay taxes.
Is this a great country or what?
Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of the week!
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to a guy with a solution to the problem of Long Term Care. Take a listen to ...
And speaking of girls, a crude one...
What would YOU do?...
Be careful what you wish for...
Excommunicated
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
------------------------------------------------------------
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
------------------------------------------------------------
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!
------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket."
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'
In NFL news, the Bears are trying to shake off their last minute loss to the Packers...
Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.
When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what’s wrong and she says : “Oh Pinocchio, you’re the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we have sex, I get splinters!”
Pinocchio is very upset and goes to see Geppetto to ask what he can do about this problem. Geppetto says : “Well, you know, my boy, maybe if you used a bit of sandpaper on your sensitive bits, it might help "smooth over the problem”, so to speak.“
A few days later, Geppetto is in the hardware store when he spies Pinocchio at the counter, ordering every type of sandpaper in existence.
Fine sandpaper, coarse sandpaper, medium sandpaper, everything! Geppetto goes up to Pinocchio, pats him on the shoulder and says:
"Heh, my boy, I bet you now have success with all the girls, eh?”
Pinocchio looks at Geppetto and replies: “GIRLS? GIRLS? WHO NEEDS GIRLS?
as our allies overseas already know...
The rest of his nominees are also facing some problems, like Brendan Carr for FCC Chairman, an author of "Project 2025" that Trump claims to not even know...
The big news of the week was the withdrawal of Matt Gaetz for the Cabinet post of Attorney General in the Trump administration due to the sex allegations that surrounded him...
Speaking of medicine and science...
Because he wants all the power for himself and himself only...
And the Jets and Cowboys seasons go into the toilet...
So that is all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
In 2 weeks, a TRUMP FOLLIES UPDATE
Have a great week until then and a wonderful Thanksgiving.
QUICKIES that speak to some misunderstood language...
I guess even some of the Trump led Republican were not on board with the Attorney General of the USA paying minors for sex...
the Thanksgiving holiday is upon us, and I am fortunate enough to have all my kids and grandkids in for a great Holiday week. With kids all over the country, we only get them all together maybe once a year, and this week is it. Beautiful Bonnie is cooking up a storm, lots of fun activities planned and with all the activity the only unhappy person in the house is Murphy, who can't stand all the tumult. With that in mind, there will not be a Jokes Update next week. Then I will have a couple of Updates the first two weeks in December before 2 weeks off for the annual Cabo trip. So best enjoy the humor now.
Speaking of jokes, my Badger football team laid another egg at Nebraska. All the traits you always associated with Badger football-physical and mental toughness, great line play, tough running game, all seem to be gone. Is it Fickell? Is it the new NIL world? Bad offensive philosophy? Poor play at QB? Just not enough time gone by from Chryst's lousy recruiting? Not sure. Fickell can recruit, but always seems to have difficulty getting D-line and QBs. This class looks promising. I think he has 1 or 2 more years to show progress or he us out the door. Maybe Jimmy Leonard would have been the better choice, although I did think Fickell was a good choice at the time. At least the basketball team is exceeding expectations with a perfect 7-0 start against some quality opponents.
I did also really enjoy the Packers pummeling the 49ers. They have killed us in so many big games, it was nice to see them walk off the field with their heads down.
Good news in Sick Bay as our pal The Czar of The Cigar is down over 30 lbs and pain free after his hip surgery. Great to see the smile on his face and the sparkle in his eyes like old times. And amazingly, he already has his Vegas 31 reservation in!! Also getting good news is The Waiter who avoids hip surgery for now. Not so lucky is our jokemaster, Big Al, who is having neck surgery in the next few weeks. Let's hope it works out as well as his back surgery did.
And what else happened this past week? Let's take a look at the News and find out...
You still see Elon Musk everywhere Trump goes, maybe the "T" for Tesla will be renamed the "T" for Trump...
The Packers will be playing on Thanksgiving day, at home against the warm blooded team from...
Jokes From Shaf
The whole Gaetz affair has left a certain stain on the Trump administration...
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
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November 26, 2024
Update 1178
Next Update
December 10, 2024
(1 WEEK OFF FOR THANKSGIVING)
TRUMP FOLLIES UPDATE
Interesting comment from the last Summer Olympics...
Was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly too."
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
Steak and sex my favorite pair. I have them both the same way, very rare
I went to my doctor and I said "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me, every morning I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm gonna throw up." he says "I don't know, but your eyesight's perfect."
There’s a small remote island in the Atlantic Ocean where everyone is black except one white guy who’s a scientist..
The chief of the island walks up to the scientist and says: My wife just had a child and it’s white.
Scientist starts panicking and says its genetics. He gives the chief and example with sheep, you see those sheep over there, all of the sheep are white except one black one.
The chief looks at the scientist and says: Ok i'll be quite about the baby if you don't mention the sheep.
What a cat and gynecologist with bad vision have in common?
Wet nose
and one more...
My teacher said 62% of the class think I’m dumb
But he didn’t tell me what the other 62% think.
that one hurt...
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
Because they kept going “Bach Bach Bach Bach”
and one more to finish up...
Do you know why women's football took so long to grow?
Because it was hard to convince 11 women to wear the same outfit.
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