A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
“May I buy you a cocktail?”
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Bad for your legs? Sorry to hear that.
Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
Little Billy gives the teacher a lesson...
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with
leading off with some medical advice...
In all fairness to Trump, it is not the first time in recent years that a "Whistleblower" has brought down a President...
Before we get to the News, the more important news that our favorite, Randy Rainbow was nominated for an Emmy...without the benefit of having a TV show!!...
He tweets that you could never impeach a President who has reduced unemployment to record low levels or increased economic growth to new heights...at least for a while...
He does not rely on any advisors to help him, only depending on his own magnificent brain to get by. Makes sense as he has fired most everyone he hired to help him...
In Sports News, The Badgers schedule lightens up as they play bottom feeder...
Two men in their sixties have a talk
The first one says: "You know, as I get older, I find it harder and harder to concentrate. Just yesterday I held a lecture about biochemistry and I actually said orgasm instead of organism."
The other one nods. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I was having breakfast with the wife yesterday and I meant to say: 'Honey, could you pass me the butter?', but instead I said 'You damn bitch ruined my whole life.'"
And finally, don't you hate when women do this in a restaurant...
The old gorilla in the bar joke...
Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.
Dora (Pedro's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"
Pedro: “Didn’t quite notice."
Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
Pedro: “Haven’t had the time to check."
Dora: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon ?"
Pedro: “Not a clue in the world."
Dora: "Does she wear matte, glossy or frosted lipstick?”
Pedro: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.”
Dora: "How does she dress?"
Pedro: "Very quickly”
Jokes From Shaf is a cooperative humor website. We take the best of reader submissionsto go along with the best humor our staff (me) finds and publishes
updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
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The weather is really starting to change in Wisconsin the past week. Much cooler, days getting shorter and it is dark by 6:30 PM and dark when you wake up. No more short sleeves or going out without a jacket. Winter is dead ahead and everyone is now starting to bring in their patio furniture, yard art and hoses. Maybe a nice day or two will remain, but we know what lies ahead...
cold and gray skies.
But there are certainly blue skies and sunshine when you look at my Badgers. What a pounding they put on Michigan State. As long as they don't get overconfident and put the ball on the ground, they should beat Illinois (30.5 point favorite on the road), setting up an epic tilt with the Big Ten
bully boy, Ohio State.
And if the Pack take care of business against the Lions, they will be 5-1 with some lighter foes ahead. We will see Monday night.
Congrats to Sniper and Platinum Tarks who celebrated birthdays last week as well as my granddaughter, Talia who is now 7.
And what else is News this past week? Let's check it out...
The hope is that some of those who supported Trump in the past will change their mind...
Jokes From Shaf
One for DicDoc...
It is certainly ironic that the crimes that Hunter Biden is accused of seem to be nothing compared to what his own kids are involved with...
A bunch of old groaners from an old groaner ...
An employment joke for Platinum Tarks...
The Evangelicals remain solidly in his corner, i think???...
as people are trying to get to the bottom of what Trump really did...
Teacher: Little Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?
Little Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.
Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.
Little Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?
Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”
Little Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
And what about Melania? She has certainly been almost invisible as First Lady...
And speaking of learning a lesson, one for all the guys out there...
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
Variation on an oldie...
The "Whistleblower" controversy still is weighing on the mind of President Trump...
And after the revelation that Trump asked for dirt on Biden from Ukraine, it is not known that he did the same from China. What is next???...
More punny QUICKIES...
Trump is trying to negate the accusations by sending out a volume of tweets every day...
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Can't have an Update without one from ...
And after the Monday Night game against the Lions, the Pack face...
despite his rather unEvangelical quotes...
An atheist and a pastor are playing around of golf
The atheist is new to the game of golf and therefore is inexperienced unlike the pastor.
On the first hole the atheist misses and shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And the pastor being a pastor tells him not to use the lords name in vain.
On the second hole the atheist misses and again shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And the pastor says again not to use the lords name in vain.
On every hole the atheist misses and shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!”
The pastor and the atheist get to the last hole and the atheist misses again and he shouts again “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And then out of nowhere a bolt of lightning strikes down the pastor killing him and the atheist hears from above “God damm it I missed!”
Not all religious fundamentalists are out to kill you...
That's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Back next Tuesday with a School Update.
Have a great week until then, and keep sending those jokes in.
He has cried "false news" and "witchhunt" to placate his base, and it seems to work...
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran..
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18.. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in thecraft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.