Has all this helped the third party candidate, RFK Jr.?...No...

"What's for dinner tonight?"...

I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:

"Hello, how are you today?"

"I'm very well thank you for asking, how are you and more to the point, WHO are you?"

"Madam, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft.”

"Microsoft, is that a city in Pakistan?”

" No Madam, MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer.”

"REALLY, that's quite concerning.”

"Yes Madam, it can become very serious indeed but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you.”

"No, I meant it's very concerning because I don't HAVE a computer.”

“You don't?"

“No.”

"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop Madam.”

"Don't have one.”

"Ipad?"

"Nope.”

"Tablet?"

"I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone.”

After a few seconds of silence he said "Madam, you are lying to me now!"

I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.

One all the guys out there can laugh at...

as well as his legal team, who have allowed all his legal difficulties to be conveniently pushed into limbo...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.  The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.  The man called his wife's 10 best friends.  None of them knew anything about it.

 

Friendship among Vegas Boys:

A man didn't come home one night.  The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.  The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.  Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Quickies to make you groan...

As is this one, too good to not put in again...

Meanwhile the Democrats prepare for their convention in Chicago and are still debating who their nominee will be...

Bullied at school



A son came home from school crying, hugged his mother and sobbed, “I don't want to go back to school and I'll give you two reasons why. “

Mother: Okay, what are your reasons?

Son: All the kids hate me and so do all the teachers.

Mother: You're going to go back to school, and I'll give you one reason why.

Son: Yeah? Why?

Mother: Because you’re the principal.

An observant husband, from one who is                                                                                            ...

Let The Chairman break it down a bit more. Project 2025 plans for the Federal Goverment under a Trump...

                  July  16, 2024

Meanwhile, the courts and Republican governors are changing the way we live, putting the Ten Commandments in the classroom...

They will discuss gutting freedom of the press and women's rights...

A couple are visiting a county fair, and see a guy offering helicopter rides for $50.

The wife asks her husband if they can go for a ride, but he says “Money is pretty tight, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks, we just can’t afford it.”

The next year the guy is back, offering rides for $50 again. Once again the wife pleads with him to take a ride, and again he replies “fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

The pilot overhears the couple arguing over money and says “I’ll take you for a ride for free, if you can stay silent the whole time. But if you yell it will be $50”

They agree and go for the ride. The pilot decides to give them the ride of their lives so they’ll have to yell. He goes as fast as possible, does loop-de-loops, buzzes as close to the power lines as possible and flies as high as possible, before finally landing, the couple remain silent.

The pilot looks back and sees just the husband in the back. He yells “where is your wife?” and the guy says “oh, she fell out about a minute into the ride” the pilot screams “why the hell didn’t you say anything?!?” And the guy replies “hey, fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

The GOP as a friend to veterans? I don't think so...

Might not be getting a raise...

In Sports News, the Brewers finally made an acquisition to bolster their pitching staff that all fans are in favor of...

Don't look for the Supreme Court to hand out any sensible rulings on this, or any other subject...

In Science News, record storms and high temperatures are once again being attributed to global warming, which the Republican Party will not agree is an actual entity, despite all the scientific evidence to support it...

Another one that you will get a kick out of...

surrounded by his family and wife...

More QUICKIES that have some awful puns...

I was leaving the office the other day when I found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

Listen, he said, this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?

Sure, I said.

I turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent! He said as his paper disappeared into the machine. I just need one copy.

Speaking of Big Al, his plane crashed and was totaled last year. Wonder if this was the scenario?...

He will be surrounded by the Republicans who want to remove the barriers that have always existed between church and state...

And lastly, you gotta laugh, Joe Biden is not the only one who has trouble getting down those damn slippery airplane stairs...

Well, this is no joke, someone took a shot at Donald Trump. With all the inflammatory rhetoric in this election cycle, it really is not that surprising that some nut job with an AR-15 thought he could take matters into his own hands. Cooler heads will prevail for a time, but I have my doubts that this is the end of it. Tempers are too hot, and leaders are manipulating people for their own ends. There is little appetite for compromise, little effort to see things from the other's point of view. We are a divided country in need of a new voice to unite us, one I do not see on the horizon. But we have been there before...The Civil War, Joe McCarthy, World War 2, and America found it's way back on the path to common ground. I can only hope that we do again...soon, before it is too late to heal the divide.


In Sick Bay, Mista Tobey's daughter Kelly had gall bladder surgery early this week. All seemed to go well, so now it is nursing duties for our Chase The Ace phenom. Also in Sick Bay is Brother Bob, our newest poker player, was in the hospital for over a week with an intestinal issue. Now home, he is weak but feeling better. He is too ornery to let illness keep him down long, and he assures me he will be at poker on Thursday. Here is hoping for a fast and full recovery.


And what else is going on this past week? Let's take a look, although I have nothing on the Trump shooting which occurred too late to make this week's Jokes. Will get to it next time. Here we go...

This one made me laugh...

While much of the focus this last week has been on Biden's fitness for office, the Heritage Foundations release of the "Project 2025" blueprint for a Trump Presidency should make any person cringe...

Jokes From Shaf is a cooperative humor website. We take the best of reader submissions to go along with the best humor our staff (me) finds and publishes updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.


Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email: 

jokes@jokesfromshaf.com

and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf. 


Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.


July  16, 2024


Update 1161



Next Update

July 123, 2024


SURPRISE  GUEST 

ON  STAGE  UPDATE




​                 


The readers of Jokes would never be so dumb...

Women friendship versus Vegas Boy friendship, from                                                                                 ...

as well as debunking global warming and science in general...

If you have a gay or lesbian or trans family member or friend, it is back to the 1950's...or worse...

And one more to finish up...

So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to our pal from Denver, a good one from                                                                                                               ...          

So that wraps up another edition of Jokes From Shaf.

Next week, a SURPRISE GUEST ON STAGE UPDATE.

Have a great week until then...

This week, in Milwaukee, Trump will get his coronation as the GOP nominee...

Jokes From Shaf

as the Democrats are trying to rebound, by sending Biden out for unscripted interviews and rallies to show his vitality...

What about women's rights???...

Oldie but goodie..

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?! You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

So what are the pillars of this 900 page plan for America...

And as usual, Trump disavows any knowledge of any of those involved in Project 2025, despite the fact that many of the authors of the document worked for him in the White House and on his campaign...

American's wonder, "Is this the best choice we could have in this election?"  They long for a better choice like this one...

A worker at a pickle factory had a strange urge.

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge grew and grew until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist concluded that the only way to cure the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day, the worker came home early. His wife asked why. Ashamed, he admitted that he had this urge to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter, went to the psychiatrist, who told him to do it, so he went ahead and did it. Consequently, he was immediately fired.

In shock, his wife checked whether everything was OK with his dick. Everything was fine, so she asked, "What happened to the cucumber cutter?"

Her husband replied, "I think she got fired, too!"

Maybe a better plan than Project 2025 is...

A guy browses products at a farmers' market. In one corner, he sees an unassuming stand with just four apple seeds displayed on it. He asks the seller: "What are these?"

"Those are apple seeds, they're for intelligence. If you eat them you'll become smarter. These four are $10."

Intrigued, the guy hands $10, takes the seeds, and eats them. After just a few seconds, he says "Wait a minute, with $10 I could've bought a whole bag of apples and get a lot more than four seeds!"

The seller replies "See? I told you! They're working! You are becoming smarter!"

Amazed, the guy says "Wow! That's amazing! Give me four more!"

You get a message from Lizzie Borden's parents, don't answer it

They've been hacked.



plus...



What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso.



and...



Another way to describe prostitution

Buy sexual

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home !
OFFICER: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays .

OFFICER: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember..

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2017, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 manufactured September 16th, with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting. The husband is choking up

OFFICER : Take it easy sir. We'll find your truck.