Can't have an Update of Jokes without one from ...
Good medical joke...
Kind of makes Pam Oliver look like chopped liver.
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to a guy who would certainly be able to get you out of this predicament, ...
One from a guy who just celebrated his 70th birthday, and is living the life of luxury in retirement, ...
An 80-year-old man goes to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?”
“Who said my dad’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive! How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact, he played golf with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point, the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
and in Medical News, telemedicine is on the rise, but this is ridiculous...
They see him as the only politician who cares about them, if they only knew...
In Sports News, the Big Ten returns to live action in a month, and the Packers will try and keep their
winning streak going with a really tough game against...
Mike Tyson is a religious guy.
He punches people in the faith.
and will be voting for Biden in November...
And speaking of clever ideas, don't thank me too much for solving your mosquito problems...
More on education...
A blonde walks into a bank in New York and asks for the loan officer
She says she's going to Europe on business for 2 weeks and needs $5,000 dollar loan.
The bank officer says that he will need some security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys of a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked outside on the street infront of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 car as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee then takes the car to the underground storage and parks it there.
Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the loan and interest which comes $15.14.
The loan officer says, "Miss we are happy to of had your business, and the transactions worked out nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why you would borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks only for $15.14 and except it to be there when I return?"
Three guys go to heaven
St Peter at the gate greets them and says ‘Alright. We’ve just built some new roads up here and we need to get you each a car. Depending on how faithful you were to your wives will determine the quality of the car. Sound good?’
1st Guy: ‘I was happily married thirty years with my wife and never cheated on her once. She passed a few years ago but I still remained faithful’ St Peter: ‘That’s wonderful. Here’s a brand new Rolls Royce. Top of the line’
2nd Guy: ‘I once kissed my wife’s sister. Not proud of it but that’s the only time I cheated’ St Peter: ‘Ahh no problem. I’ve got this Volvo 4x4 you can drive’
3rd Guy: ‘I was a bit of a scumbag. Nailed my neighbor, a waitress and a couple hookers while married’ St Peter: ‘Hey we’ve all been there. Here’s a beaten up Toyota Corolla. Watch the brakes. They’re a bit shit’
The men drive off and after a couple days the guy in the Corolla pulls up to a traffic light. He looks to his left and sees the Rolls Royce of the first man. When looks over he sees him crying into his steering wheel.
3rd Guy: ‘Hey what’s wrong?
1st Guy: sobbing ‘I just saw my wife on roller skates!’
or being packed into a rally in rural Wisconsin with no masks or distancing...
Soon we will have the debates, although it may be difficult to debate if there is no agreement on what is really a fact...
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”
Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looks at him and says, “No, but that isn’t really question you want to ask in class discussion.”
So the student replies, “Then I’ve definitely shit in my pants.”
The Chairman can only pray during Temple this year...
And one more about sex...
With football back on TV, we see all the hot sideline football babes that the network trots out for us. Maybe we need to import some talent from the Italian soccer broadcasts, where Diletta Leotta sizzles on TV...
A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
President Trump continues to throw the "Blue States" under the bus, when dealing with coronavirus or the recent fires out West, which he brushed off by saying...
A teacher asks her students," Can anybody spell before?"
Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."
"No that is wrong. Sit down." says the teacher."
"Frankie, can you spell before?"
Frankie stands up and says, "Before. B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"
"No, that's not right either. Tyrone, can you spell before?"
Tyrone stands up and says,"Before. B-e-f-o-r-e! Before!"
"Outstanding!"says the teacher." Now, can you use it in a sentence?"
Tyrone stands up and says,
" 2+2 before."
Trump also is trying to deflect the fallout from the Woodward revelation that he knew how deadly the virus was in early spring, but did not tell the American people as he did not want to cause "a panic"...
In Environmental News, in the wake of the Coronavirus pandemic, a new environmental problem has arisen...
Some QUICKIES that will make you groan...
Add to this his steadfast defense of Russia and turning a blind eye to their meddling in our election...
MBArry is now in New York City. Here is one about that town...
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel..
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
And speaking of sexual pleasures...
Quickie religious joke for the Jewish New Year...
He continues to get criticized for his rallies where people are exposed to danger, such as the boat rally in Texas a few weeks ago...
But even if we are separated from family and friends, we try and keep up the traditions of the holiday, such as eating apples and honey to celebrate a sweet year...
Don't get this kind of quality education with Zoom...
His base says that they refuse to live their lives in fear, but is that really true...
The Chairman can not support Trump...
That's all for this week's Update of Jokes.
Next Tuesday, an AUSTIN POWERS UPDATE.
Have a great week until then, and for all of you celebrating the Jewish New Year, a
sweet, healthy and happy year for you, your family and everyone dear to you.
But in the midst of the High Holidays, we find ourselves only 5 weeks away from the election. Both candidates are trying to lure voters with dirt about the other candidate and promises of what the next four years will be if elected...
For many of the readers of JOKES, we are in the midst of the Jewish New Year, which unlike any year before has consisted of worshiping at home in front of the computer instead of gathering with your community...
Starting off, congrats to The Sultan of Silicone, who celebrated his 70th birthday last week. In a better time, the Vegas Boys would have had a round of drinks...or three or four...to celebrate such a
noteworthy date, but due to that damn pandemic, another fun part of the Vegas Trip was lost. Oh well, will just have to celebrate harder next year. Glad to see The Sultan is loving retirement and celebrating in style in Colorado this week.
Sympathies to Platinum Tarks on the loss of his cousin, Gerry Bodnar. The families were very close, and in true Platinum Tarks fashion, he drove 7 hours each way a few weeks before he died to make a last visit for an hour. Much appreciated by the family, I am sure. Tarks always will put himself out to
show what friendship means to him.
The home in River Hills goes back on the market this week. Painted and recarpeted, I hope that this will stimulate some interest. Would rather not have a home "Down South" only 3 miles from Mequon.
And in the mail this past week I received my 2020 Ballot. Will quickly fill it out and to avoid any problems with the mail, take it over to the Village Hall. Now with the controversy over filling the vacant Supreme Court seat, it is even more important to be sure to vote. I think that Australia has the right idea, you get a day off work to vote and you have a financial penalty ($100) if you do not.
As a result, their voter turnout is amazing. Whoever you support, be sure to vote.
And what else is going on this past week? Let's check it out...
Our favorite, Randy Rainbow, tell it to us musically...
Jokes From Shaf
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September 22, 2020
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Austin Powers Update