Committee assignments are being given out, and nutcases like Marjorie Taylor Greene are seemingly forgiven for the statements that the January 6 protesters should have been armed, and that the Jews had lasers that started wildfires, and that Democrats should be shot....she now has gotten the Homeland Security and Oversight Committee, both important and prestigious assignments...
And in New Mexico, a Trump election denier was arrested for trying to shoot Democrats...
In Missouri, they continue to try and push laws requiring women to cover their shoulders in the state assembly...
This one is appropriate for the season...
February seems to be the time to leave your cold weather home for sunnier places. The Sniper is in Hawaii, The Czar and Platinum Tarks in Florida, The Dim Bulb, Bert and Billy Bong in the California desert and The Chairman and Beautiful Bonnie in Manhattan Beach, CA. For us it will be a 4 day drive as we have to take Murphy the Dog with us, but what the hell, we are both retired and have plenty of time. But for you, reader of Jokes, you will have to endure a month without your weekly dose of mirth and merriment. But keep sending those jokes to me so I will have a backlog to use in March.
Lots of decisions for our local sports teams, as the Bucks have only until February 9 to trade and improve the roster. I predict they will make some significant adjustments, as their offense is too limited as it is. Certainly Middleton coming back will help, but Grayson Allen is not good enough to be a starting shooting guard. They need more offensive threats to take the pressure off Giannis. And the Packers face the big question of what to do with Rodgers. I think it is finally time to take the draft picks and move him, unless you think Love really is not good enough.
Thankfully, nothing to report in Sick Bay this week, let's keep it that way while I am gone.
So without any further ado, let's take a look at what has happened this week in the News...
Just like me, this one is crude but funny...
And Platinum Tarks VikQueens blew their home field advantage and lost to the Giants...
Some life truths from ...
Ordering a Pizza in 2023
CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at CVS 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . ..Having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . ..Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . Not piddling in your pants.
This is not as far fetched as it may appear, from ...
Banning the Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) Department because they are "coming for our guns" is next on the docket...
And finally, while we are on the subject of being a senior...
So that's it for another edition of Jokes From Shaf.
Will be off to California for the month of February, so no Jokes
until I get back in early March.
Hope this keeps you laughing until then.
Stay safe.
But that is just the tip of the iceberg of the Republican agenda. Next came the idea to ban gas stoves on the idea that it had some relationship to childhood asthma...
Thanks to Fox News for keeping the venom going, pitting Republican against Democrat, black against white, rich against poor...
In Economic News, inflation has come down a bit, but prices at the gas pump and in the supermarket remain high, especially when it comes to the cost of eggs, where a dozen eggs which cost $1.79 last year are now $4.25...
What about the liar, George Santos? No action on that...
Well, lately I don't think the Packers have been any better, maybe it is because the off season workouts that Aaron Rodgers is doing are not quite what the Packers were looking for...
A lesbian and her girlfriend walk into a bar
They get a couple drinks in and another patron notices the woman is very buff.
He asks her how much she can lift and with a drunken grin she says "Watch this!!" before stumbling out of her chair and picking up her girlfriend bridal style. She holds her there for a second, and the man is very impressed, but very quickly she drops her girlfriend and vomits into a trash can.
The bartender rushes over from the other side of the bar and says "Damn, I should have warned you, she's a regular. She's pretty strong, but she can't hold her licker."
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
January 24, 2023
A blonde joke...
Another crude one...
Yes, it is another dismal chapter in the VikQueen's playoff lore...
A Farmer's Marriage
A farmer and his wife are having some issues with their marriage. One day, the farmer takes a little baby sheep inside his house and finds his wife.
"Just so you know, this is the pig I have sex with when you're not around," the farmer says.
"What are you, stupid?" his wife asks. "That's a sheep, not a pig."
"Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."
Dear Santa:
When I was a child, my father cheated on my mom and didn't love my family.
Later, my parents divorced.
Soon after, my mother died in a car accident.
My brother and I could only live in my grandma's old house.
Grandma's sister was an alcoholic.
The whole family lived on my grandma's savings.
Grandma recently died.
My Uncle Andy is barely keeping himself out of jail from day to day?
My brother left home and won't talk to us any more.
Dad, now 73, had to go out to work to support the family and eventually he is going to want me to do the same thing.
Yours sincerely,
Prince William
A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..
"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man
"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.
"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis..
"Is your ex girlfriend called Wendy too?"
The local man laughs, "no, when I get an erection mine says, Welcome to Jamaica, I hope you enjoy your stay!"
In more local State News, Ron DeSantis wants to permanently ban any Covid mask or vaccination potential as well as banning AP classes in Afro-American Studies, which he does not think is a legitimate course of education...
And speaking of being a senior...
Always room for one from ...
The furor over the misplaced secret documents by Trump and Biden continues, with each side trying to say the the other was more nefarious...
The Cowboys defeated Tom Brady and the Bucs, despite missing a couple of extra points...
A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.
Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…
Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.
Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.
Man: That’s fine. My second wish is for a 20,000sq ft mansion in the Hamptons.
Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive a 40,000sq ft mansion in the Hamptons.
Man: That’s fine.
Genie: Ok. What is your third wish?
Man: I want you to beat me half to death.
Things to ponder as you age . . .
The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54
The originator of gymnastics died at the age of 57
The past world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41
The best soccer player in history, Maradona, died at the age of 60
And then . . .
KFC inventor died at 94
Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88
Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102
The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake
Hennessy cognac, Irish inventor died at 98
How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?
The rabbit is always jumping, but it lives for only 2 years.
The turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.
So . . .
Have a drink,
Take a nap,
And if you wake up, have bacon and eggs.
This made me laugh...
Too tough for me...
Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce
You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?
"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.
"So mama bear?" asks the Judge.
"Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear," says baby bear.
"So who would you like to live with?" the Judge asks curiously.
"My grandma bear in Chicago." says baby bear.
"Your grandma bear doesn't beat you?" asks the Judge?
"Oh no the Chicago Bears don't beat anyone."
Touching note to the North Pole, from ...
Some dirty QUICKIES that may make you blush...
Jokes From Shaf
An oldie but goodie...
Meanwhile, the Republicans in the House are trying to use their new found power to enact legislation that they have been waiting to pursue. And the very first thing they did was to repeal the ban on smoking in The Capitol...
In Sports News, the NFL Playoffs went into their second week. The first week had some wild games, starting with the Jags miracle rally over the Chargers, showing the big balls of Jag's coach, Doug Peterson, to go for it on fourth down to come back from 27 points down...
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jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
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January 24, 2023
Update 1107
Next Update-
March 7, 2023
TV BLOOPERS UPDATE
So with all the News covered on to Jokes, with the lead off spot going to someone I have not heard from in over 2 years, I am talking about ...
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