Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 9-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of- factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
One for Platinum Tarks...
Faithful Wife
On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, "Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time."
To which the wife replies, "To be honest, I have cheated on you on three different occasions, but they all were to benefit you."
Hurt by her answer but no surprised, he further asked her, "Very well, tell me the three instances when you cheated on me and how they benefitted me."
The wife says, "For the first time, it was when you needed that promotion at work, but your boss was adamant on giving it to someone else. So i slept with him and requested him to give you the promotion in return." The husband nods and says, "Ok so it was to get me the promotion, I understand that. What was the second instance?"
The wife continues, "The second time was when you met with an accident and needed to be operated immediately. But the medical expenses were too much. So i slept with your doctor and in return he did your operation for free." The man replies by saying, "Alright, so the second time, it was to save my life, I understand that. Well then, what was the third instance?"
"Remember when you were running for the president of your golf club and were short of 73 votes?"
The allegations have already cost Prince Andrew his royal title and role as well as any contribution to his defense from the Royal Family...
In Business News, I know that prices for meat are going up, but give me a break, "Market Price" for chicken wings?...
More QUICKIES about sex, as usual...
Not saying he is a racist, but consider this quote of his from the past...
And you have to pass a test to get some jobs...
Touching story about senior citizens...
One would think with these policies the Democrats could garner a lot of public support. Alas, they are a dysfunctional group as well...
And one more beef about Congress from The Chairman. Members of this esteemed body have grown rich
over the pandemic, capitalizing from stock purchases they made with the knowledge of governmental policies...BOTH parties. It is time this ended...
The Covid pandemic continues to rage on as the unvaccinated claim there is no point getting a vaccine as you still can get Covid and the CDC keeps changing their recomendations...
January 25, 2022
This was highlighted by Mitch McConnell's comments that blacks vote just as much as Americans do...
And to go with the special police force that only HE could control, now he wants another police agency...
Good one from ...
I guess it is better to laugh about it than to cry.
So after hitting all the NEWS, it is on to JOKES, and I don't mean the Packer's no-so special teams, I am talking
about something to make you laugh, not cry, and we lead off with one, like the Packers, about not performing your job like you should, from ...
Trump's lackeys in Congress continue to do his bidding...
I guess his role in the insurrection will be looked at just as they did to Oath Keeper, Elmer Rhodes...
Most recently trying to limit minority vote so essential to electing a Republican congressional majority and a Trump presidency in 2024...
A sad day for one of the poker boys, The Dim Bulb. His 4 year old golden doodle, Finley, suddenly
passed away this week. What a sweet dog, and a wonderful companion he was. And when you have some health issues, are stuck inside from Covid, a pet can become a huge part of your life. It forced The Dim Bulb to get out and walk every day, was at his side day and night, what a loss. Those of you who don't have dogs can't imagine how sad it makes you get. I know he says that there will be no more dogs, but when the pain goes away, he might reconsider what joy a little furry face can bring. But right now, to lose a dog so suddenly and so young, really hurts. I am so
sad for you.
This will be the last Update for a month, as The Chairman, Beautiful Bonnie and Murphy will be driving to Manhattan Beach, CA to spend the month of February there. Will be nice to be 10 minutes from DrJ and family, and hope to see his girls a lot. We will see how our dog does on
10 hour drives for 3 days, should be quite the adventure. Still will be getting my emails, so keep all those joke rolling in. Plan on a new Update in early March.
And what else is going on this week? Let's see as we check out...
and the rest of the Trump gang...
Trump's use of the election lie has now filtered down to local races, consider this result in the 20th district
special House race in Florida (of course it is)...
A funny look at Covid, from ...
Speaking of getting fucked, like the Packers did...
If you think he is the lone nut in Florida, think again. There is a bill to control what goes on every day in the school classroom...
On the same subject...
SIPPING VODKA
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10…
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,“Take this and eat it for this is my body..” He did not say,“Eat me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
The regular wine taster at a high-end winery where he worked for 25 years, died suddenly and the owner was desperate to hire someone just as qualified to step in and fill the position.
A drunkard looking pretty ragged, wearing wrinkled, dirty clothes, needing a shave and a haircut wondered in off the street to apply for the vacant position. The owner of the winery tried to get rid of him immediately but the man insisted nobody knew wine better than he…
The owner decided to play along and had his secretary get the man a glass of wine to taste, hoping to stump him and get rid of him quickly…
The drunk swirled the glass, inhaled the aroma, then took a sip and said, “It's a Muscat, three-years-old, grown on a north slope, and matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's… that's correct.", the owner said, astonished. "Okay, my secretary will get you another glass…"
After swirling and inhaling the aroma of the second glass, the drunk took a sip… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, grown on a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.”
The owner was truly amazed. "Correct again!" He motioned to his secretary to get a third glass…
After swirling and inhaling the aroma of the third glass, the drunk took a sip and announced in a very dignified tone, "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive''.
The owner was completely blown away, but thinking this was some sort of hoax, he decided to put the man to the ultimate test. He winked at his young attractive secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back with a glass full of urine…
The drunk swirled it, inhaled the aroma, and without sipping it he looked directly at the owner and said, "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if you don't hire me I'll name the father…"
A drunk says to the bartender, “I want a woman!” So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.
The receptionist at the counter asks, “Can I help you?” “Yes, I want some service,” states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table.
The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man’s member on the table and she says, “That’s not a foot!”
The drunk replies, “Give it time, lady, give it time.
And speaking of Florida, their governor, Ron DeSantis is at it again...
What a tough workplace this is...
And AT and T has taken jumped up the sex appeal on their spokeperson, Lily, to spur declining sales...
and ex Attorney General, Bill Barr, who has refused to testify...
More of Trump's cronies have come under investigation as the January 6 Committee has issued a subpoena to Rudy Giuliani. Wonder if he will get the site of where to report right this time...
And second, consider the similarity when it comes to never admitting you are wrong, always press ahead and never look backward...
And forget about them wearing masks...
Don't talk about what you can't deliver-true for the Packers and this joke from my best source of Jokes ...
Archibald Strange was an honest lawyer (no, that isn't the joke)
He was getting old, so he went to the undertaker to plan what his grave would be.
"I want it to say 'Here lies Archibald Strange, a lawyer and an honest man,'" he said.
"I can't do that," replied the undertaker, "People would think I was burying multiple people in the same grave. I'll tell you what. It can say 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"
"But then they won't know it's me."
"Of course they will. People will read it and say 'That's strange.'"
Have to wonder why African-Americans would support Trump and the Republicans, and Trump sure
tries to portray they do, always showing the few blacks in his audiences front and center for TV...
Scary stuff!!
In other Trump News, his relationship with convicted child trafficker, Ghislaine Maxwell is coming under further investigation as she will be giving up names of those who solicited her services as
the courts ordered...
And with anti-vax voices pushing disinformation, there is little hope of swaying the unvaccinated...
Were you good in math in school?...
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
And finally, some remastered hits of the 50's for senior citizens like us...
So that wraps up this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Will be a month before I get back to do another one, but try and keep
laughing anyway.
Next Update will be a FUNNY SPORTS UPDATE-and I don't mean the Packers.
Stay safe.
Listened to a lecture from the Lux Center on the causes of antisemitism last week and was struck by the parallels between the philosophies of controlling the masses of Donald Trump and
Adolph Hitler. Specifically, consider the practice of telling lies to control the masses...
You know where this is coming from, we don't want any teaching of the racism that went on in the South. We don't want those white kids feeling bad about themselves, and come to think about it,
lets not talk about the Holocaust, wouldn't want any Germans to feel bad about themselves either...
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link-Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
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Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
January 25, 2022
Update 1077
IN CALIFORNIA FOR A MONTH
Next Update-
March 8, 2022
FUNNY SPORTS UPDATE
What do you expect when the crowd is full of these nutcases...
And of course, the very sad news of the Packers horrible loss to the 49ers last weekend. As I dish it out to other teams, my Packers deserve to get the same treatment for their horrible performance...
along with ex VP, Mike Pence, who is also keeping quiet...
In Sports News, ex Packer coach, Mike McCarthy, took a lot of criticism for his play calling in the final minute of the Cowboys loss to the Rams in the first round of the playoffs last week...
Jokes From Shaf
And despite doing some things well, Biden's leadership look weak and ineffective to many Americans...
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