And finally, one for Brad The College Grad...
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
QUICKIES that are total groaners...
Here are some comments on the 1000th Update of Jokes From Shaf from some of the loyal readers...
Platinum Tarks
"Here's to you for years of laughs, groaners, political humor and pretty pictures; along
with always making sure we know the good times and sad times in the lives of your
friends. You have never compromised your dedication to your cooperative site for
the benefit of your readers. It is really without parallel. Thanks for everything you have
done. We hope for another 1000, and that your wife never runs out of patience."
The Czar of The Cigar
"Congrats on your 1000th installment of the most important source of sanity
during these dicey times. Thanks for all the laughs and wisdom”
Brad The College Grad
"Congrats on achieving this milestone. It does not seem so long age that you needed some computer advice to get started. Now you are the master of both content and technical expertise.”
TMJay
“Congrats on this milestone. This means you can make a big deal for syndication.”
Mista Tobey
“Mazel Tov”
Wausau Willie
“Keep up the good work. May you have 2000 more”
Chipman
“It’s something to look forward to every week, especially these days”
Sultan of Silicone
“Congrats on the millennial edition.”
DicDoc
“Best wishes for thousands more.”
The Waiter
“Amazing!”
Big Al
“Incredible that you have managed to turn out 1000 JFS and still managed to have a life.
Thanks for all the laughs.”
Cap’n
“Mazel Tov for the milestone. The world might not be a better place, but it is without question
a whole lot funnier.”
MarkRhitis
“Congrats.”
The Preacher
“Congrats Chairman, a truly life changing moment. In your honor, the student section at Camp Randall sends you greetings תאכל חרא. לך תזדיין (translated-Eat shit, Fuck you)”
The Sniper
“And every one has brightened my day. Congrats! Still don’t know how you keep it going…but please do!”
The Don
“I’ve been told that the government is worried that the internet will run out of jokes, pictures, etc…because you have been using them up.”
Thanks to all who dropped me a line to show they enjoy the mirth and merriment of Jokes From Shaf. Will try and keep the laughs coming as long as you keep sending the good stuff my way.
And what else happened this week? Let's check it out, as we take a look at the...
But those kids are not the voters Trump cares about. He needs to secure his base and shift the blame to others so he can be elected in November. How to do it? The latest from the favorite of all Jokes readers, Randy Rainbow, tells us with his newest video. Another great one!!!!....
An oldie but goodie that I still think is funny...
In other Science News, the Murder Hornets have invaded the US...
In Fashion News, the newest craze for the Coronavirus summer is the "Trikini"...
Trump also has walked both sides of the testing issue, saying there are plenty of tests but the concept of testing people is not correct. That being said, everyone in the White House is tested daily and last week a staffer tested positive...
Tony's lucky day...
and today, in 2020, compared with 25 years ago in 1995...
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery
They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.
“Look at how reserved and calm they are,” the Englishman says, “they would definitely be English.”
“They are naked and beautiful, they would have to be French.” The Frenchmen counters.
The Russian speaks up, “no clothes, no shelter, no bed, they have only an apple between them, and they’re told this is paradise.
They are certainly Russian
So what is this week's distraction? First, it is to discredit the man in charge of the Biomedical Advanced Research and Development Authority, Dr. Rick Bright was demoted as he turned whistleblower to show the inadequate preparation the Trump White House did on the pandemic...
22 years apart...
While the economy is starting to open, many are still feeling the pain of bills without money to pay them...
Do you believe in the afterlife?...
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link
Email:
jokes@jokesfromshaf.com
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
May 26, 2020
Update 1001
Next Update- June 2, 2020
More Celebrity Roasts Update
But don't take The Chairman's word for Trump's distraction as a way of dealing with problems, listen to his own words...
At 53, she still is a hotty!!
And also hot are this week's Jokes, with the coveted lead off spot going to
with a gambling joke...
and despite what most view as a clumsy, poorly run response to the Coronavirus...
even as he only accepts them as a means to an end...POWER!...
Good one that Michigan grad, DicDoc, will like...
Some investment help from ...
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations later this year:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang.
I don't know when it comes to ghosts and the afterlife, I like to think I'm open minded, maybe there something in it, maybe there isn't.
Actually I recently attended a seance. The psychic who ran it told us she was delighted with the way her business was going. Absolutely booked up solid.
So of course I punched her in the face.
Like I say. When it comes to the paranormal I like to strike a happy medium.
But The President is not worried in the least about anything...
In Sports News, the NBA and MLB are trying to set parameters to reopen the season. Maybe we could see some unbelievable action like we did watching a 5'7", Spud Webb, soar over the rim...
Here is one from Mr. Dependable in the Jokes department, ...
And lastly, in Hollywood News, check out the age progression of Latin heartthrob, Salma Hayek, here seen in pictures 17 years apart...
And so ends this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Thanks to all who took the time to send kudos to The Chairman for 1000 Updates.
A labor of love for all my pals.
And next week, a More Celebrity Roasts Update.
Stay safe and see you then.
Many are happy that golf season is finally here...
Mrs. Clarke has been in a coma for 18 months..
A nurse is giving Mrs. Clarke a wash when she notices that the patient moves a little when she washes her genitals.
Again the nurse brushes over her genitals with a cloth and again Mrs. Clarke, disturbs gently.
The nurse calls the patients husband and he immediately goes to the hospital.
Mr. Clarke is told that oral sex might indeed be the key to waking his loving wife from the coma.
He agrees to try it and is giving the privacy to do the deed.
After a couple of minutes, the machines start going nuts so the nurses run in to the room where they are.
"What the hell is wrong??" Asks the startled nurses.
"I think she choked." Mr. Clarke replied.
May 26, 2020
The President also stated that he is taking hydroxychloroquine, despite no scientific basis that it helps and the potential for serious side effects to the eyes and fatal cardiac arrhythmias...
Just following directions...
Appropriate for the FIRE DEPARTMENT UPDATE this week...
A couple met in Myrtle Beach and fell in love.
They were discussing how to continue their relationship after their vacations were over.
“It’s only fair to warn you, Linda,” he said, “ I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”
“Well,” she said, “ since you’re being honest, so will I. I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” he said pensively. Then, he smiled:
“It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
And of course there is Obama to distract us, with Trump coining the phrase, "Obamagate" to refer to crimes he committed which were the most heinous of all time, although when asked what they are, he only replies, "You know what they are."...
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”
The first student raised her hand to volunteer. “Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”
Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”
The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”
Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”
“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on Little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”
A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends The University of Wisconsin?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"
The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It is mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."
"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!"
"Well..." says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?"
She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from The University of Michigan!"
Car salesmen are not always so smart...
Husband's 19 year old secretary
A woman finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.
"My dear wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 19 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found another note on the dining table.
"I received your note, and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old. I would like to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know I am a math professor at our local college. I would like to inform you while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students. He is a young, virile assistant tennis coach, and like your secretary, is 19 years old. As a successful businessman, who has excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 19 goes into 57 more times than 57 go
Some of our readers feel that The Chairman is too tough on President Trump. Let's hear what some average kids feel about our President...
And with Vegas reopening, this is what they are chanting at the craps table...
his base still has the kind of convoluted logic to support him...
The problem with being married to a smart woman...
Local governments are wrestling with the questions, "Open or not?", "Facemasks or Not?",
"Crowds allowed in restaurants or not?". Makes it difficult to know what to do...
Trump uses the power of Twitter to daily message his base and spread his own brand of "Fake News" and disinformation to sway public opinion irregardless of any facts...
Jokes From Shaf
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