Jokes From Shaf
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Aurgust 26, 2025
Update 1206
Next Update
SEPTEMBER 2, 2025
VEGAS IN THE MOVIES UPDATE
I will pass on this carnival game...
Divorce is not a good word for financial planning...
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what, I think it's time we started swearing" said the 7 year old.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 4 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have frosties, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looks at the 4 year old and says sternly "And what do you want?"
"I don't know, but it won't be fucking frosties"
Trump has taken 10% of Intel and threatens to do the same thing for defense conntractors...
A late Update this week as I did not get home until 1 am on Monday due to problems changing flights in Denver from weather issues. Spent the last week in LA for granddaughter Talia's Bat Mitzvah. It was an intimate service, with only parents, grandparents and aunts/uncles and their kids there. Talia did not like her religious school, so for 2 years, Beautiful Bonnie tutored her in Hebrew and learning about what it meant to be Jewish. For the last year she has worked with a local tutor, Robin from Hebrew Helpers, and she taught Talia to read from the Torah and recite some of the morning prayers. They created a short, meaningful service that Talia performed brilliantly. It was great to see her smile of accomplishment when the service was over. It meant alot to learn what it meant to be Jewish, and I know she also was excited about earning her own phone, which her parents got her as a Bar Mitzvah gift. We were so proud of her and so happy to be alive to see the great day and share it with our entire family, as MBArry, Rabbis Scott and Jes and kids were all in attendance. Also happy to share such a big day with Talia's other grandparent, GMan and Barbara, who have played such a big part in her life. Cherish the good days.
And speaking of good days, next week is the final Update before the Vegas Boys head off for Vegas 31. And in that light, it will be a VEGAS IN THE MOVIES UPDATE to get you psyched for Vegas. Will have a week off Updates to recover from Vegas, so after next week, the next Update will be September 16.
And what else is going on this past week? Let's check out the News...
One of the Guardmen in Washington was hit by a Subway Sandwich, an offense that Pam Bondi would like to qualify for the electric chair...
Other states are sending Guardsmen to help and there are plans to send more troops to 10 other cities, of course, in Blue states...
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
He did have Zelensky and NATO leaders the next week in Washington, but all that got done there was to have Trump blame Biden for everything and show off his MAGA hat collection...
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”
His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine - just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”
“Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “oh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.”
“No”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.”
“But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out
“I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
And one last bit of News, when I was in LA, I was amazed at how many God awful, ugly Tesla trucks I saw on the road there...
I started going to Big Al's gym to get a better workout. He did not ask me this question...
Are you a fan of karaoke?...
It is another way Trump is circumventing Constitutional powers, to set up the ultimate heist...
The Epstein Files remains in the News, as Trump tries to whitewash his participation with inducements to Ghislaine Maxwell...
After claiming that he would end the Ukraine War in 1 day, Trump still has made no headway on settling this conflict, despite kissing war criminal Putin's ass during their meeting in Alaska...
A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said : "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I am celebrating"
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman
"What a coincidence." said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynaecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is amazing," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.
She smiled and said... "What a coincidence!"
August 26, 2025
A 20 year old man goes to the doctors and asks if there's a way he can live forever.
Doctor; "do you drink?"
Man; "No.'
Doctor; "Do you smoke?"
Man; "No."
Doctor; "Do you take drugs?"
Man; "No."
Doctor; "Are you sexually active?"
Man; "No.'
Doctor; "Well why the fuck do you want to live forever!?"
And something that might make you feel a lot better about yourself...
It all is part of the plan of this guy, who has this as his White House picture...
I know this David before his pictures were taken. At one time he decided to work late to be with this same young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and made love for two hours.
Afterward, David went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the he unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. A-ha, the he thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look at what he did to my breasts!"
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “David, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
David replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
There's a shipwreck. The only survivors are some random guy, called , and Scarlett Johansson...
As it says in the title... there's a shipwreck. The only survivors are some random guy, called Fred, and Scarlett Johansson. Yes, THE Scarlett Johansson. They do all the basic survival things, build a shelter, get a fire going etc. They both turn out to have pretty good skills.
Eventually Ms Johansson starts to fall for the guy, and they become lovers. Their sex life is INCREDIBLE. Nothing is off limits.
For a while, our hero is the happiest guy in the world. Then, as time goes on, and the prospect of rescue seems as remote as ever, he starts to fall into a bit of a depression.
Totally in tune with him Scarlett asks if there's anything at all she can do to brighten his mood. After a lot of cajoling, he says... "well there is one thing... but it's a bit embarrassing..." she insists she's extremely broad minded, and nothing would embarrass her.
"Ok" Fred says. "I want you to go to the far end of the beach. I want you to strap your breasts down so I can't see them. I want you to tie your hair back and hide it under this hat (handing her a man's hat). I want you to get some charcoal from the fire, and make a pretend beard on your face. I want you to dress in the mens clothes that we so handily salvaged from the wreck. In short, I want you to play the most demanding acting role of your life. A man. An Australian man named Bruce. I want you to pretend you are Bruce to me, and when you are convinced you can carry that off... start walking down the beach towards me..."
A bit nonplussed, but eager to please, Ms Johansson does exactly as requested. Prepared herself as 'Bruce' and starts walking down the beach towards Fred.
Fred, who's been waiting eagerly starts running towards 'Bruce' a HUGE grin on his face. 'Bruce' sticks out his hand and says "G'day mate, pleased to meet you – I'm Bruce"
Fred responds with "Never mind that mate... you'll NEVER guess who I've been fucking!"
And on the same subject...
My wife's sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her "How could you afford this?!"
"You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous," she replied.
Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, "I think I'll start doing that."
"Me too," I replied, turning to my sister in law. "What's your husband's number?"
And now Trump has felt it is the government's duty to sanitize the presentation of slavery at the Smithsonian Museum...
And what other great ideas does our President have? We all know about tariffs...
And who else starts off the News? Can't be anyone but Donald Trump...
Meanwhile, in Washington, the National Guard is now policing the city on Trump's orders...
A Porsche is a Porsche, after all...
So with all the News covered, on to Today's Jokes, with the lead off spot going to our pal from Denver,
the guy who knows all about boobs, ...
Another doctor joke...
Not everyone is happy about him however...
Word of advice on choosing your breakfast cereal...
Who would guess...a joke with Fred and Bruce...
Punny QUICKIES about food that are really bad, but you may laugh, anyway...
And finally, a great joke with Vegas around the corner...
Makes sense...
I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?"
Depends on what you mean by "active".
There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.
Fertility problems? Take a lesson from ...
Have to be careful not to drink too much in Vegas, from ...
So that's all for this week's Update of Jokes From Shaf.
Next week, a VEGAS IN THE MOVIES UPDATE
Have a great week until then.
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