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March 25, 2025
Update 1187
Next Update
April 1, 2025
TIM CONWAY IS
THE FUNNIEST UPDATE
Some new songs for your Haggadah
There's No Seder Like our Seder
(sung to the tune of "There's no Business like Show business")
There's no seder like our seder,
There's no seder I know.
Everything about it is halachic
Nothing that the Torah won't allow.
Listen how we read the whole Haggadah
It's all in Hebrew
'Cause we know how.
There's no Seder like our seder,
We tell a tale that is swell:
Moses took the people out into the heat
They baked the matzoh
While on their feet
Now isn't that a story
That just can't be beat?
Let's go on with the show!
==================
Take Us Out of Egypt
(sung to the tune of "Take me out to the ball game")
Take us out of Egpyt
Free us from slavery
Bake us some matzoh in a haste
Don't worry 'bout flavor--
Give no thought to taste.
Oh it's rush, rush, rush, to the Red Sea
If we don't cross it's a shame
For it's ten plagues,
Down and you're out
At the pesach history game.
==================
Elijah
(to the tune of "Maria" from W. Side Story)
Elijah!
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
Elijah!
He came to our seder
Elijah!
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
This year--
Elijah!
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time's come for peace
and not hating--
Elijah--
Next year we'll be waiting.
Elijah!
==================
Just a Tad of Charoset
(to the tune of "Just a spoon full of sugar")
Chorus:
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs go down.
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.
Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharoh.
They sweat and toiled and labored
through the day.
So when we gather pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,
To feel what they went through.
Chorus
So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,
And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,
We swear we won't forget.
That......
Chorus
While the maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us red.
Although maror seems full of minuses,
It sure does clear our sinuses.
But what's to do?
It's hard to be a Jew!!!
Chorus
==================
Les Miselijah
(to the tune of "Do you hear the people Sing" from Les Miserables)
Do you hear the doorbell ring,
And it's a little after ten?
It can only be Elijah
Come to take a sip again.
He is feeling pretty fine
But in his head a screw is loose.
So perhaps instead of wine
We should only give him juice.
==================
Same time next year
(to the tune of "Makin' Whoopee")
Another pesach, another year,
The family seder with near and dear...
Our faces shining,
All thoughts of dining
Are put on hold now.
We hear four questions,
The answer given
Recalls the Jews from Egypt driven.
The chrain is bitter, (charoses better!)
Please pass the matzoh.
Why is this evening different
From all the other nights?
This year the Jews all over
Are free to perform the rites.
A gorgeous dinner--who can deny it--
Won't make us thinner, to hell with diet!
It's such great cooking...
and no one's looking,
So just enjoy it.
Moving along at steady clip
Elijah enters, and takes a sip;
And then the singing with voices ringing
Our laughter mingling.
When singing about Chad Gad Ya.
Watch close or your place you'll lose,
For Echad Mi Yodea:
Which tune shall we use?
We pray next Pesach
We'll all be here.
It's a tradition...
Same time next year...
So fill it up now, the final cup now,
Next year at ....
==================
The Ballad of the Four Sons
(to the tune of "Clementine")
Said the father to his children,
"At the seder you will dine,
You will eat your fill of matzoh,
You will drink four cups of wine."
Now this father had no daughters,
But his sons they numbered four.
One was wise and one was wicked,
One was simple and a bore.
And the fourth was sweet and winsome,
he was young and he was small.
While his brothers asked the questions
he could scarcely speak at all.
Said the wise one to his father
"Would you please explain the laws?
Of the customs of the seder
Will you please explain the cause?"
And the father proudly answered,
"As our fathers ate in speed,
Ate the paschal lambe 'ere midnight
And from slavery were freed."
So we follow their example
And 'ere midnight must complete
All the seder and we should not
After 12 remain to eat.
Then did sneer the son so wicked
"What does all this mean to you?"
And the father's voice was bitter
As his grief and anger grew.
"If you yourself don't consider
As son of Israel,
Then for you this has no meaning
You could be a slave as well."
Then the simple son said simply
"What is this," and quietly
The good father told his offspring
"We were freed from slavery."
But the youngest son was silent
For he could not ask at all.
His bright eyes were bright with wonder
As his father told him all.
My dear children, heed the lesson
and remember evermore
What the father told his children
Told his sons that numbered four.
A look at some of the best Jewish Stand-Up comics every week on the
Jewish Jokes Page, so take a listen as The Chairman brings you this
weeks Kosher laugh fest...
Raanan Hershberg is a loud, neurotic Jew from Louisville, KY.
He recently made his television network debut on The Late, Late Show with James Corden where he talks about his shrill, loud Mom and growing up Jewish in Kentucky.
He has also performed stand up on Comedy Central's Live at the Cellar. He performs regularly at The Comedy Cellar, The New York Comedy Club, and Gotham Comedy Club. He was selected to be a finalist in NBC's Stand Up for Diversity, The Laughing Skull Festival, and The Boston Comedy Festival.
He regularly opens for Kathleen Madigan in sold out theaters across the country. 800 Pound Gorilla Records recently produced his second album 'Downhill Ever Since' which stayed in the top 10 charts for weeks.
His comedy has been featured on "Laughs" on FOX and is regularly played on Sirius XM. He is the founder of Character Assassination, a popular fictional roast series that started in Louisville and has now branched out to The Laugh Factory in Chicago and The Creek and the Cave in New York City, and was selected to be a part of TBS's New York Comedy Festival. He recently premiered his latest solo show OFF THE GRID in the New York International Fringe Festival, which was called 'One of the best one-man shows you are likely to see anywhere' by Hy Bender in bestnewyorkcomedy.com
Here is some of his standup material...
And today's Jewish Joke is one that comes from your host, some new songs for your Seder this year...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
March 25, 2025
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