A look at some of the best Jewish Stand-Up comics every week on the
Jewish Jokes Page, so take a listen as The Chairman brings you this
weeks Kosher laugh fest...
1. Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis. If you are Orthodox, press 6-1-3; if you are Conservative, press 1 or 2; if you are Reform, press any button you like; if you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons. (DING)
Please hold on while I transfer your call... Hello.
You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your question is that it is forbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18.
(DING) Hello: You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18.
(DING) Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who are we to say? If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18.
(DING) Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionis rabbi. The answer to your question presumes there is an answer to your question. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question, please hang up now.
(CLICK) 2. Hello. You have reached heaven. All of our angels are currently busy. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now. Please press 0 for an employee directory. Thank you for pressing 0 for the employee directory. If you know the first three letters of the deity you are calling, please enter them now...
(click, click, click). We're sorry, you have entered a non-working name. Please try again
(click, click, click). We're sorry; our system cannot accept G-O-D; please try G-D.
(cl-ck, cl-ck, cl-ck). Hello, this is G-D, I am either away from my desk, or temporarily out of heaven. Your call is important to Me, so at the sound of the harp, please leave your message; I already know your name and number. 3.
Hello. You have reached the offices of the Israeli government. Congratulations on having a telephone. If you are calling for Likud, press 1-9-7-7; if you are calling for Labor, press 1-9-9-3; if you are calling for one of the religious parties, please remember that they do not answer the phone on the Jewish Sabbath. If you are in favor of territorial compromise, press 1-9-6-7; if you are in favor of retaining all of the territories, press 1000 B-C-E; if you wish to speak to a civil servant, don't get your hopes up.
Hello, you have reached the offices of the Jewish Community Relations Council. If you are offended by our position on Israel, please press 1; if you are offended by our position on church-state separation, please press 2; if you are offended by our position on Black-Jewish relations, please press 3. If you think all Soviet Jews should move to Israel, press 4, unless you are calling from North America, in which case pressing 4 will not work; if you are calling to propose a boycott of our local newspaper, please press 5; if you are calling to propose a boycott of ABS, CBS, NBS, CNN, or PBS, please press 6; if you are calling to ask who authorized us to speak for the Jewish community, please hang up and organize your own Jewish agency. Have a consensual day.
And Today's Jewish Joke is an answering machine message for a Jew of any affiliation...
Type your paragraph here.
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
December 10, 2019
Lawrence Gene David was born in the neighborhood of Sheepshead Bay, in Brooklyn, New York. His parents are Rose (born Regina Brandes) and Mortimer Julius "Morty" David, a men's clothing manufacturer, and he has an older brother named Ken. David's family is Jewish. His father's side moved from Germany to the U.S. during the 19th century, while David's mother was born into a Polish-Jewish family in Tarnopol, now in Ukraine. David graduated from Sheepshead Bay High School, and then from the University of Maryland, College Park, with a bachelor's degree in history. It was while at college that David started developing his take on things and discovered that he could make people laugh, simply by being himself.
While a stand-up comedian, Larry David also worked as a store clerk, limousine driver, and historian. He lived in Manhattan Plaza, a federally subsidized housing complex in the Hell's Kitchen neighborhood of Manhattan, across the hall from Kenny Kramer, the inspiration for the Cosmo Kramer character in Seinfeld. David then became a writer for and cast member of ABC's Fridays from 1980 to 1982, and a writer for NBC's Saturday Night Live (SNL) from 1984 to 1985. During his time at SNL, he was able to get only one sketch on the show, which aired at 12:50 AM, the last time slot on the show.
David quit his writing job at SNL in the first season, only to show up to work two days later acting as though nothing had happened. That event inspired a second-season episode of Seinfeld entitled "The Revenge". David met his future Seinfeld stars during that early stage of his career: he worked with Michael Richards (Kramer) on Fridays and with Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine) on SNL.
In 1989 David teamed up with comedian Jerry Seinfeld to create a pilot for NBC called The Seinfeld Chronicles, which became the basis for Seinfeld, one of the most successful shows in history, reaching the top of TV Guide's list of the 50 greatest TV shows of all time. Entertainment Weekly ranked it the third-best TV show of all time. David made occasional uncredited appearances on the show, playing such roles as Frank Costanza's cape-wearing lawyer and the voice of George Steinbrenner. He was also the primary inspiration for the show's character George Costanza. David left Seinfeld on friendly terms after the seventh season but returned to write the series finale in 1998, two years later. He also continued to provide the voice for the Steinbrenner character.
David wrote 62 of the episodes of Seinfeld, including 1992's "The Contest", for which he won a Primetime Emmy Award and which TV Guide ranked as episode No. 1 on its list of "TV's Top 100 Episodes of All Time". Syndication of Seinfeld earned David an estimated $250 million in 1998 alone. This amount has been steadily decreasing each year, but payments will continue until the full $1.7 billion from the original syndication deal has been paid. In 2008 David made $55 million from Seinfeld syndication, DVD sales, and Curb Your Enthusiasm. He was nominated for an Emmy award 19 times for Seinfeld, winning twice – once for best comedy and once for writing.
The HBO cable television channel aired David's 1-hour special, Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, on October 17, 1999. This was followed by Curb Your Enthusiasm, a television series on HBO that aired its first episode on October 15, 2000. The show revisits many of the themes of Seinfeld, and is improvised from a story outline only several pages long that David writes (as of the 5th season, additional writers were hired).
The actors improvise their dialogue based on the story outline, direction, and their own creativity. David has said that his character in the show, a fictionalized version of himself, is what he would be like in real life if he lacked social awareness and sensitivity. The character's numerous and frequent social faux pas, misunderstandings, and ironic coincidences are the basis of much of the show's comedy and have led to the entry into the American pop culture lexicon of the expression "Larry David moment", meaning an inadvertently created socially awkward situation.
The basis of the show is the events in David's life following the fortune he earned from the Seinfeld series; David, semi-retired, strives to live a fulfilled life. Alongside David is his wife Cheryl (played by Cheryl Hines), his manager and best friend Jeff (played by Jeff Garlin), and Jeff's wife Susie (played by Susie Essman).
Here is a look at Larry David cracking up reading some of the mean tweets sent into the
Jimmy Kimmel show...
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