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Jokes From Shaf
Jokes From Shaf is a cooperative humor website. We take the best of reader submissionsto go along with the best humor our staff (me) finds and publishes
updates ONCE a week every Tuesday.
Send your submissions to me via email at this below link
and if you make the grade, you will see your joke, picture or video on Jokes From Shaf.
Submit often and you will get a nickname and a place in our Hall of Fame.
There is an unquestioned connection between what is funny and what is true. Read on and you will see the connection.
My wife and I moved into a retirement development in Florida, "Delray / Boca /Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath & Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee". Of 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.Our biggest concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.
Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes.
A half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.
Our typical day:
We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are 30 of us, rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. A few late risers stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my white socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap. Before we know it, it's time for lunch.
We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
Back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, we get there by 3:45 as we're late eaters.
The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.
At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. We go to bed and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night. Then it's time to get up, start all over again.
Doctor-related activities eat up most of our time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind.
Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.
Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.
Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet tall and they need our help. I, myself, am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk...
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray 's Condos or the Lakes of Venice ? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.
A look at some of the best Jewish Stand-Up comics every week on the
Jewish Jokes Page, so take a listen as The Chairman brings you this
weeks Kosher laugh fest...
And if you are considering joining some of your Jewish brothers and sisters with a second home in
Florida, consider this advise from ...
Type your paragraph here.
Rob Izenberg is a successful voice over actor, comedy writer, producer, musician, and composer living in Los Angeles. Today, as we all recover from the fasting of Yom Kippur a
few weeks ago, give a listen to his parody song about not eating on this Holy Day...
and in a less religious mode, check out this video about Star Trek's Mr. Spock, to the tune of
Def Leppard's hit single, "Let's Get Rocked"...
With all the submissions The Chairman gets each day, this topic is the most popular.
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".