Jokes From Shaf
Today's Jokes
You Need You Laughter Today...
January 31, 2012
The Super Bowl is this weekend and one reader of Jokes From Shaf, Big Apple Andy, will be a
happy guy if the Giants prevail. I guess I will watch, but not much interest as The Pack have
packed it in for the year. Oh well, more time for all of you to forage for material for this website.
So now on to...
The Super Bowl is in Indianapolis this year. And not to say there is not a lot to do there,
but here is the map of attractions given to the guests...
And the Packers biggest fan was very sad that they are not in The Big Game.
You gotta see this, it is very funny...
Speaking of football, some amazing news, as one of the stars of The Office was found to be
the long lost twin of Tim Tebow...
And on the economic front, the economy has improved somewhat, but maybe not enough
for this...
On the subject of fashion, some interesting news all the readers of this website
will be happy with...
In world politics, the elections in Egypt just concluded...
A bit of nostalgia to think about...
And lastly, on the subject of dating, the female view versus the male view...
So with the news covered, now on to today's jokes, and the lead off spot
goes to my best source,
, with a look at the economy courtesy of Abbott and Costello...
If Abbott & Costello were alive today, instead of "who's on first?,' it would sound something like this.....
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 17%
COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 17%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 17% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 17%?
ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 17% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed?
ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To who?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 17%. You don't want to read about 17% unemployment do ya?
COSTELLO: That would be frightening.
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct. .
COSTELLO Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: :I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL I JUST SAID!
And speaking of Big Al, he will love this one, which is actually not a joke...
USA Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.
Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes any more.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
Some help to be politically correct...
Politically correct women descriptions...
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN
She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED
She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER
We guys are so romantic, from
...I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used
to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting
up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit
older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I
don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a
few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fuck off.
Now this is a gross one...
A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks.
Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished."
His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!"
Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish."
His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!"
Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished."
His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?"
"Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished."
His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!"
Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."
Funny but true...
A black man talks to a white man:
When I was born I was black,
When I grew up I was black,
When I'm sick I'm black,
When I go in the sun I'm black,
When I'm cold I'm black,
When I die I'll be black.
But you:
When you're born you're pink,
When you grow up you're white,
When you're sick, you're green,
When you go in the sun you turn red,
When you're cold you turn blue,
and when you die you turn purple.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!
Here is an update on the Bobbitt family from
...Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with...?
?
?
?
A Misdewiener!
Now there is a good argument...
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
"HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward.
"There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
Some business help...
Business 101
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a
drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer
her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!!
One from
...Ye Can't Fool a Scottish Caddy
During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had
been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his
poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
"Aye, there's a piece of shit on the end of yer driver. "
The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point
the caddy says:
"No, the other end."
One that RowZ would like, boy we sure miss her...
Newborn
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the
doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something
about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with
my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly,
but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is
a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of
a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean
it has a penis... ...AND a brain?"
Immigration, always a favorite topic of GMan...
Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.
The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!"
The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."
The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.
The American exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!"
The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."
Now, the American doesn't want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he can't find anything. He looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and throws him over the bridge.
The Russian exclaims, "What the hell did you do that for?"
The American replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."
And finally, everyone knows about it but you...
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.
Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"
Have a great week
Back next Tuesday with Part 1 of a 2 part College Update
January 24, 2012
Really cold this week in our fair town. Oh well, can always stay inside an get a
good laugh reading Jokes From Shaf. So now onto...
In case you have been living under a rock, the Packers bombed out against Big Apple Andy's
suddenly strong Giants, who went on to beat the 49ers. At least he is a happy guy.
Truely, the fat lady has sung for this year for our Packers...
And here is a totally blasted Packer fan lamenting the loss...
Well at least it wasn't that bad when The Sniper and I watched it with the girls.
And if you are a Raven's fan, I am sure that their kicker is on your shit list...
And the other news of the week is the ill fated cruise ship that sunk. If you wonder why,
it was not The Captains fault. Jokes from Shaf found that the cause was all the
passengers going to one side of the boat to see...
But it was only due to a very fortunate twist of fate that the boat's Captain
was off on shore while the ship was sinking...
So remember, if you are having a bad day...
And talk about the wrong time to take out an ad in the newspaper...
If you are looking for a safer vacation alternative try Mount Rushmore, a true
masterpiece from either the US side...
or the Canadian side...
And speaking of engineering marvels, what about Modern Families,
Sofia Vergara...
And now onto this weeks Jokes, and we lead off with my California relations,
with a good medical joke...The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just
couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in
his head that said: "Don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients
and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering: "You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
Vegas is in the planning stages, and here is a Vegas blonde joke...
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
The year is over and soon we will be visiting Blackjack Billy to do our taxes...
NEW TAX CODE
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it
is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there
penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a
corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
Effective January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to
size. The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-9" Pole Tax
6"-7" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax
Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone
under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
You know this one came from
...An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.
"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
A golf joke for the nongolf season...
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir" says our attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" ... and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"
Oldie but goodie...
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, 'Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.' They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.' At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. 'Look', she said, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'
If you knew the other one was from Big Al,
you know this is from
...GOOD ONE
Last year after the Packers / Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.
During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.
Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.
During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.
After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips and most of his staff.
After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress and most of his staff.
Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary and most of his staff were fired and replaced.
During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.
Question: Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?
One The Chairman can relate to...
3 Guys are standing around talking about how big their cocks are. Finally, the first guy says "alright, lets settle this. We'll all go to the top of the empire state building, and whoever's is hanging the lowest, wins."
The other guys agree and proceed to the empire state building. The first guy stands next to the edge and unzips his fly. It drops all the way down to the 57th floor. Second guy steps up, his drops clear down to the 32nd floor. They look over at the third guy and he's next to the edge sort of dancing around. "What the hell are you doing man!!??" asks the second guy.
"Dodging traffic" he says.
Always good to hear from
with importantinfo on a devious scam going around...
Warning for Older Men!
Clever Scam . . . warn your friends!!
This is very serious stuff!
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holidays get closer. This is a “heads up” for those men who may be regular Lowe’s, Home Depot, Wal-Mart, Target, or Sam’s Club customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last couple weeks I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some simple Christmas gifts has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa’s Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start helping you pack your stuff into your vehicle. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep “V” neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds to get some hot cocoa and a snack.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Nov 24th, 26th 28th 29th, 30th, twice on Dec 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful!! What a horrible way to take advantage of older men during this holiday season. Warn your friends to be vigilant. These girls will not give up; they have proven it over and over again with me.
By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones at Wal-Mart for $1.99 and bought them out. Also, you will never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 14 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe’s, Home Depot, Sam’s Club, Wal-Mart, and Target.
So please, send this along to all the older men that you know, and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.
PS: (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
The English are funny...
Soup
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup of
the day, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"It's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
One to tell in mixed company...
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up..."
A lawyer joke from
...One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why
are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for
food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife
and two children with me. They are over there, under that
tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer
replied.
Turning to the other poor
man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second
man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX
children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer
answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy
task, even for a car as large as the limousine
was.
Once under way, one of the
poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too
kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with
you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll
really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot
high."
Come on now...you really
didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer
story...did you????
And finally, another medical joke from your host...
Sherry, a flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Cooper for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, ’Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.’ And they will grow on their own."
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
She really loved her boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus, began rubbing her nipples and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to dopey Dr. Cooper by any chance?"
Shocked Sherry said, "Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
Have a great week
Back on Jan 31 with an Action Movie Update.
