Jokes From Shaf
Jewish Joke of The Day
With this in mind, we now have a category which features "The Jewish Joke of The Day".
And something new to start the Jewish Joke of the day...
Oriental wisdom coupled with Jewish angst, as Jokes From Shaf gives you...
And now something new...to go with Jew Haiku...just for you...
We will look at the hottest 50 Jewish female movie stars over the next year.
January 31, 2012
The Jewish Haiku for the week, one for all you Yiddish fans...
Today, mild 'shvitzing'
Tomorrow, so hot you'll 'plotz'
Five-day forecast-'feh'
And #46 on the list of hot Jewish women is Alicia Silverstone...
The product of a British Jewish father and a converted Jewish mother, Alicia made her mark
in the blockbuster movie, Clueless. Unfortunately, her career has been luckless, pointless and
moneyless since then. Still, she is hot.
And today's Jewish joke comes from our best source of Jewish jokes,
...JEWISH NEWLYWEDS
A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic"... Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned,
Sam started using the most horrible language -- things
I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful four-letter words!
You've got to take me home!!
PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down!
You need to stay with your husband and work this out.
Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful!
COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.
Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said,
"Oh, Mama..., he used words like:
"DUST, WASH , IRON, and COOK...
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said her mother.
January 24, 2012
A Jewish Haiku that I can relate to...
Beyond Valium
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.
And #47 on the Hot 50 Jewish women is Joanna Angel...
Though you might not guess, she was brought up in an Orthodox Jewish
household, but rebellion ensued and Joanna has become one of the
top pornstars with a company called Burning Angel. She has won several
Adult Video Awards and her website and production company has been
very successful. And her parents have not taken their heads out of their oven.
Today's Jewish joke comes from my technical guru, although with my Mac
I have not needed his help much. Yes, here is
with today's Jewish joke...
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays,
I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here,
I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will have sex with him !"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand
and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help the rabbi
and he said ......
" Fuck him "
January 17, 2012
Today's Oriental wisdom remembers our Jewish mothers...
Lonely mantra of
the Buddist monk----"They never
call, they never write."
And #48 on the list of hottest Jewish women is Lindsay Vuolo, the only Jewish Playboy
Playmate. Born to a Jewish mother and a converted Jewish father, she is noteworthy
because in her 2001 Playmate pictorial she included pictures from her Bat Mitzvah...
For this weeks Jewish joke, we look to our joke oracle,
...Sadie Cohen lived in a diverse neighborhood on Long Island . Her neighbor was a very generous
black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked,
"Mrs. Cohen, I have to go into the City this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything?"
Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, "Listen, I have a commuter ticket for the train that I don't use on Saturday. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for; why should you pay extra."
The neighbor thanked her, and later got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen".
"Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen, the person whose name appears on this ticket?"
The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked,
"Would you let me compare signatures -- would you please sign your name?"
The black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?
January 10, 2012
A Jewish Haiku leftover from the Holidays...
New at Oys "R" Us!
Hypochondriac Barbie
has a gout attack.
And number 49 on the list of hottest Jewish women is Isla Fisher...
Born in Oman, she was raised by Scots in Australia.
So how could she be a hot Jewess? She converted to marry
British actor and funny man, Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat, Ali G)
Isla's role that you probably remember her in was as the sex crazed
hottie in the movie, The Wedding Crashers.
And today's Jewish joke comes from the main source of Jewish
jokes,
...JEWISH GENIE
An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.
He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.
It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinarygenie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.'
'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'
'Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!'
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'
* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'
'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'
* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.
December 27, 2011
A Jewish Haiku in the spirit of Christmas gift giving...
Jewish and slightly
dyslexic--I thought I was
buying a 'Chai' Pet.
And now, #50 on the list of the top 50 Jewish movie stars...
From London, England, the daughter of a Hungarian born Jew, here
is Rachel Weisz. She won an Oscar for her role in The Constant Gardener
and was seen in The Mummy series.
Todays Jewish joke of the day comes from
...A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she
doesn't have correct change for the fare. The driver tries to be firm with
her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you
knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me."
He caves in and lets her ride for free.
She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won't move over
for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs,
"If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me."
The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle. She gets to
the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at
several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their
seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and
murmurs," If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me."
Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.
A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know
this is none of my business, but what is it that you've got, anyway?
The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah."
December 20, 2011
The Chosen People have never been described as an athletic bunch...
Jewish Triathlon---
gin rummy, then contract bridge,
followed by a nap.
A Jewish joke from your host...
God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians.
"What commandments do you offer?" they said.
He answered, "Thou shalt not murder."
They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered it to the Romanians.
"What commandments do you offer?" they said.
He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."
They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered them to the French.
"What commandments do you offer?" they asked.
"Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife."
"Sorry we are not interested," they answered.
Finally he approached the Jews.
"How much?" they asked.
"It's free," he answered.
"We'll take ten!"
